I'm not very good with introductions but ill try. I'm using the handle kinooshi or noosh for short. I am 27 and have lived with psychological drama all my life. I was abandoned by my parents when I was born. My mother was 17 and my father around 22. My great grandmother took my mother to court for custody and I was given to her and her daughter which is my aunt/guardian. I grew up lost with no influence from my real mother or father. I would still interact with them when I was younger. I still have flashbacks when my aunt would go take me see my real mom and as soon as I got there I was just left.
My real mom has 6 kids from another man after me. She doest not count me so to her she has 6 when she has 7. I would always feel leftout as my mom would do a lot of activities but when they would always go to do these things I felt excitement because I thought I would get to come too and have fun. But no. I was always told we gotta drop you off back home. It would hurt my heart because I felt no one wanted me. The same came for my father. I would visit him and immediately left at his house with his girlfriend while he went out. Left to play video games which I could've done at home if that was the case. I never got to enjoy activities with either because they chose not to have me around.
This of course burns in me today. Looking at others experience something I may never have the chance to. I don't have any kids of my own. For relationships I feel cold and feel I cant love since I wasn't given much love. My aunt and abuela both did their best but inside a darkness grew in me. I tried recently to have some of my sisters in my life but it failed. I ended up judged and look at different. We couldn't get along and I was looked as trash again. My lil brothers are in the marines. My real mom is proud of them. When I graduated high school. She wasn't at my graduation. Never congratulated me. Never cared.
I had some relatives from florida come and visit me. We all ran into her and she gave them hugs and was like its great to see you. When she came towards me she said whats up. and I said the same thing back. And she asked me what I was up to I said I was going to college studying software systems engineering and maybe once day work for apple. It was a goal of mine. She said cool and then left. My cousins looked at me and asked me if I was ok. I said yeah. Deep down I wasn't. I get hurt a lot thinking about it. I suffer from social anxiety and depression. I was also overweight. I weighed 327 at my worst and my health turned bad. I decided to let negativity go and do something about it.
I lost weight. I currently weigh 225. I has been a journey and I feel I can do more. But pain lingers in my heart and it bothers me because personality wise it has affected me. My father currently is suffering from kidney failure. I got into arguments with people close to him because they ask me why don't I show sympathy for him. I haven't seem this man is 15 years and I have memories of constant lies from him when he said he would pick me up and never show. Honestly, the worst memory I suffer from is when my real mother accused me that I raped my sister when I was 8 years old. Ill never forget that time because of the threats of police I got from her. She wanted me locked away in a home. Felt that because of the situation I shouldn't be no where near her for her family.
I was a kid that stood in his house playing video games and watching cartoons how could I be accused of doing something like that. To be accused of committing a crime like that and told you are nothing and should be put away is the worse feeling in the world. After that I could never look at my family the same. She tried to say sorry that it wasn't a mistake but the damage was done. It haunts me every single time. As of now im trying to slowly be able to find communities to relate too and gain friends or a support system. Sorry for the long story. I never this something like this before but I also want to try and experience a new meaning of life but also accomplish something I can be proud of. I don't want this dark cloud depression destroy me. But I just had no where or no one to really tell it to.
You can easily tell your friends about things but its hard for the ultimate comfort because that person could not relate to that level. I don't know im sorry for the long story although I did feel a little better getting this off my chest. Anywho for those that read this thanks for reading :)
My real mom has 6 kids from another man after me. She doest not count me so to her she has 6 when she has 7. I would always feel leftout as my mom would do a lot of activities but when they would always go to do these things I felt excitement because I thought I would get to come too and have fun. But no. I was always told we gotta drop you off back home. It would hurt my heart because I felt no one wanted me. The same came for my father. I would visit him and immediately left at his house with his girlfriend while he went out. Left to play video games which I could've done at home if that was the case. I never got to enjoy activities with either because they chose not to have me around.
This of course burns in me today. Looking at others experience something I may never have the chance to. I don't have any kids of my own. For relationships I feel cold and feel I cant love since I wasn't given much love. My aunt and abuela both did their best but inside a darkness grew in me. I tried recently to have some of my sisters in my life but it failed. I ended up judged and look at different. We couldn't get along and I was looked as trash again. My lil brothers are in the marines. My real mom is proud of them. When I graduated high school. She wasn't at my graduation. Never congratulated me. Never cared.
I had some relatives from florida come and visit me. We all ran into her and she gave them hugs and was like its great to see you. When she came towards me she said whats up. and I said the same thing back. And she asked me what I was up to I said I was going to college studying software systems engineering and maybe once day work for apple. It was a goal of mine. She said cool and then left. My cousins looked at me and asked me if I was ok. I said yeah. Deep down I wasn't. I get hurt a lot thinking about it. I suffer from social anxiety and depression. I was also overweight. I weighed 327 at my worst and my health turned bad. I decided to let negativity go and do something about it.
I lost weight. I currently weigh 225. I has been a journey and I feel I can do more. But pain lingers in my heart and it bothers me because personality wise it has affected me. My father currently is suffering from kidney failure. I got into arguments with people close to him because they ask me why don't I show sympathy for him. I haven't seem this man is 15 years and I have memories of constant lies from him when he said he would pick me up and never show. Honestly, the worst memory I suffer from is when my real mother accused me that I raped my sister when I was 8 years old. Ill never forget that time because of the threats of police I got from her. She wanted me locked away in a home. Felt that because of the situation I shouldn't be no where near her for her family.
I was a kid that stood in his house playing video games and watching cartoons how could I be accused of doing something like that. To be accused of committing a crime like that and told you are nothing and should be put away is the worse feeling in the world. After that I could never look at my family the same. She tried to say sorry that it wasn't a mistake but the damage was done. It haunts me every single time. As of now im trying to slowly be able to find communities to relate too and gain friends or a support system. Sorry for the long story. I never this something like this before but I also want to try and experience a new meaning of life but also accomplish something I can be proud of. I don't want this dark cloud depression destroy me. But I just had no where or no one to really tell it to.
You can easily tell your friends about things but its hard for the ultimate comfort because that person could not relate to that level. I don't know im sorry for the long story although I did feel a little better getting this off my chest. Anywho for those that read this thanks for reading :)
