sun seeker
Diamond Member
I've been reading this forum for a while now and just ironed out some snags in the sign-up process so now I can introduce myself. (By the way, if any moderators are reading this: I don't know if the "assemble the picture" feature for confirming membership is now common and I just haven't run into it before, but I had the darnedest time figuring out what that meant!) Anyhow....
This seems like a really supportive place and from what I've read it's got to be pretty high up there in terms of respecting the needs and differences of others. Pretty commendable, considering a) the general climate of rudeness often found on the 'net (why is it that so often when people can't see an actual human being in front of them, they often act as if norms of etiquette no longer apply?) and b) the nature of PTSD and how easily we can be triggered to react rather than respond calmly.
It's in about the past year that I've come to recognize my life-long struggles as what is now called complex PTSD. There is still a lot of shame around the severity of my symptoms because when I listen to others talk about terrible trauma, my life has mostly not been that bad. My childhood did involve some pretty blatant neglect right from birth, or conception really, but I wasn't starved or beaten, just didn't really have anyone that acted like a parent in a consistent way. Living with my mother was a bit like living with an alcoholic, you never knew when something would set her off in a rage, throwing tantrums like a two year old, while my dad would just look on and do nothing or bury himself in his work. My family is pretty well known and respected in the community so there is a huge split between the public image and the reality I know. I'll bet some of you can relate to that. I have three much older siblings and they all left home by the time I was six. From the little bit we've talked, things got much worse after they left. From my perspective there was no one to protect me no matter how much I asked for help, and that has been a theme that shaped me in a huge way starting from when I was a teenager. I expect to be abandoned and not to get what I need, and often find myself in situations where I am replaying that dynamic and the emotional agony of it. Consequently I mostly pull away from people and at the same time feel very lonely.
I've had only one intimate relationship, with a much older man who told me he loved me when I needed to hear that. He turned out to be abusive in just about every imaginable way. The one good thing I got out of that is a wonderful daughter, who is now grown. There are some complications there, but I don't want to make this too long.
A couple of years ago several people in quick succession asked me if I had been sexually abused as a child because I had so many symptoms. I kept saying no but it got to be too much of a coincidence to ignore. I knew I could relate strongly to how my friends and people I read about who were molested felt. They are the people I can most easily talk to. Then about a year and a half ago I did start having some memories of abuse, but they are so unclear I still can't say whether they are real. They seem like it at the time but then I disconnect from them emotionally so much that it's like I have a memory of having remembered, but I can't access the feelings or the details, if that makes sense. For a while I obsessed over trying to remember, but now it doesn't feel that important. I still want to know, but I'm more focused on dealing with the symptoms, wherever they come from. Deep persistent depression for most of my life, alternating with anxiety and sometimes OCD symptoms (no, I don't think I'm bipolar, because where I am in that cycle always has a real-life trigger having to do with feeling abandoned or fear of same). Extreme social anxiety. Insomnia. Difficulty with trust. Self loathing. Despair. Avoiding strong emotions because they are so overwhelming.
I live in a semi-rural area and therapists who can treat trauma cases are... well, pretty much non-existent unless you have lots of money, which I don't. (Side effect of some of the symptoms described above: chronic difficulty making money!) I've tried so many things over the years in an attempt to feel better, it's a pretty impressive list. Some symptoms have gotten somewhat better, for instance I feel I am less reactive and more able to calm myself, but others have gotten worse. There is one therapist I need to call back soon who may be able to get me in for a few sessions of SE but it would be a drop in the bucket. What I am really drawn to is the NARM method (neuroaffective relational model, I think) described in the book Healing Developmental Trauma. But again, there is no one around here trained in that. I do also have a few long-time friends who "get it" and whom I can talk to, and that helps. But this mountain ahead of me seems so huge and I don't really have the tools I need to climb it.
Sorry this has been so long. If you've read this far, thank you! I look forward to participating in the discussions here, both giving and receiving support.
This seems like a really supportive place and from what I've read it's got to be pretty high up there in terms of respecting the needs and differences of others. Pretty commendable, considering a) the general climate of rudeness often found on the 'net (why is it that so often when people can't see an actual human being in front of them, they often act as if norms of etiquette no longer apply?) and b) the nature of PTSD and how easily we can be triggered to react rather than respond calmly.
It's in about the past year that I've come to recognize my life-long struggles as what is now called complex PTSD. There is still a lot of shame around the severity of my symptoms because when I listen to others talk about terrible trauma, my life has mostly not been that bad. My childhood did involve some pretty blatant neglect right from birth, or conception really, but I wasn't starved or beaten, just didn't really have anyone that acted like a parent in a consistent way. Living with my mother was a bit like living with an alcoholic, you never knew when something would set her off in a rage, throwing tantrums like a two year old, while my dad would just look on and do nothing or bury himself in his work. My family is pretty well known and respected in the community so there is a huge split between the public image and the reality I know. I'll bet some of you can relate to that. I have three much older siblings and they all left home by the time I was six. From the little bit we've talked, things got much worse after they left. From my perspective there was no one to protect me no matter how much I asked for help, and that has been a theme that shaped me in a huge way starting from when I was a teenager. I expect to be abandoned and not to get what I need, and often find myself in situations where I am replaying that dynamic and the emotional agony of it. Consequently I mostly pull away from people and at the same time feel very lonely.
I've had only one intimate relationship, with a much older man who told me he loved me when I needed to hear that. He turned out to be abusive in just about every imaginable way. The one good thing I got out of that is a wonderful daughter, who is now grown. There are some complications there, but I don't want to make this too long.
A couple of years ago several people in quick succession asked me if I had been sexually abused as a child because I had so many symptoms. I kept saying no but it got to be too much of a coincidence to ignore. I knew I could relate strongly to how my friends and people I read about who were molested felt. They are the people I can most easily talk to. Then about a year and a half ago I did start having some memories of abuse, but they are so unclear I still can't say whether they are real. They seem like it at the time but then I disconnect from them emotionally so much that it's like I have a memory of having remembered, but I can't access the feelings or the details, if that makes sense. For a while I obsessed over trying to remember, but now it doesn't feel that important. I still want to know, but I'm more focused on dealing with the symptoms, wherever they come from. Deep persistent depression for most of my life, alternating with anxiety and sometimes OCD symptoms (no, I don't think I'm bipolar, because where I am in that cycle always has a real-life trigger having to do with feeling abandoned or fear of same). Extreme social anxiety. Insomnia. Difficulty with trust. Self loathing. Despair. Avoiding strong emotions because they are so overwhelming.
I live in a semi-rural area and therapists who can treat trauma cases are... well, pretty much non-existent unless you have lots of money, which I don't. (Side effect of some of the symptoms described above: chronic difficulty making money!) I've tried so many things over the years in an attempt to feel better, it's a pretty impressive list. Some symptoms have gotten somewhat better, for instance I feel I am less reactive and more able to calm myself, but others have gotten worse. There is one therapist I need to call back soon who may be able to get me in for a few sessions of SE but it would be a drop in the bucket. What I am really drawn to is the NARM method (neuroaffective relational model, I think) described in the book Healing Developmental Trauma. But again, there is no one around here trained in that. I do also have a few long-time friends who "get it" and whom I can talk to, and that helps. But this mountain ahead of me seems so huge and I don't really have the tools I need to climb it.
Sorry this has been so long. If you've read this far, thank you! I look forward to participating in the discussions here, both giving and receiving support.
