Sufferer Hello, fng here… Police & Ministry. Dealing with death and misery.

[whiteraven]

I go to sleep each night hoping and praying that God will just let me go to sleep and not wake up.

I totally get this. Used to do it all the time. Once thing I did was change my self- and god-talk at bedtime. Sometimes just expressing gratitude for even on small thing, or on days when i didn't feel grateful for anything, just doing something as a bedtime routine. I read now when I'm not completely exhausted. It pulls me out of my head and into the story.

I am so very tired of life and as Winston Churchill said "I've grown bored with it all."

Yeah, I'm in that place, as well. I feel "bored" a lot of the time, even when I'm deeply involved in things. I think apathy plays a huge role in that.

I don't have anyone to talk to and I miss having a friend to just hang out with or just talk to. The loneliness I feel sucks and I'm not real good at letting people get to know me on a friend level. I feel as though I should just go live in the woods since that's kind of where I am on an emotional level.

My secret wish is to win the lottery and build a house in the woods, miles from people.

I feel broken and unfixable at this point in my life and I have little hope for the future.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way, but I know how it feels all too well.

We have a tonne of very active posts in our Social Forum which you might find some kind of relief in.

Absolutely agree with this!

It’s one of the most dangerous things I know of, boredom.

It is. I wonder, though, if there is more in this case than just "boredom."

I Seek inspiration. Interest, passion, curiosity, potential… list goes on… may follow or become a part, but? Step one. Inspiration needed.). No lie. Boredom kills. At least in my world.

As I said above, I do all sorts of things - and always, these days, only things I'm passionate about - and still have that feeling. I don't think it's just boredom; I don't even think it's primarily boredom. All sorts of other stuff tied in with it.

 

[Friday]

It is. I wonder, though, if there is more in this case than just "boredom."

No idea. My rule of thumb is to take people at their word, as it saves time. There may well be other pieces in play, or may not be. Until/Unless the OP adds more? No way to know.

As I said above, I do all sorts of things - and always, these days, only things I'm passionate about - and still have that feeling. I don't think it's just boredom; I don't even think it's primarily boredom. All sorts of other stuff tied in with it.

I can relate. I’ve had times where boredom doesn’t enter in, at all. Like when I’m depressed I can stare at a wall for days, not even the slightest bit bored. And other times where it’s either a central component, or the sole component.

 

[whiteraven]

No idea. My rule of thumb is to take people at their word, as it saves time. There may well be other pieces in play, or may not be. Until/Unless the OP adds more? No way to know.

I think I was thinking more generally. But yeah...

 

[Jafo]

I miss hugs the most... Loneliness is truly all it's cracked up to be!

I have been here too. I am so sorry you are feeling so done with life. I get it. I don't want to hurt anyone or make anyone depressed along with me either. I guess that is why we are all here on this site, to see what others are doing/feeling.

My fix for suicidal feelings has been to focus on something to do. I find a class to take - I took baking. It was cool and cheap and I made something. Those little things help a lot. I gave up being happy a long time ago, now I just look to stay busy and the happiness shows up in little bits here and there.

It sounds like you have seen the worst of society and now you are just staying away. Maybe you could try one class/ activity with others where you learn to cook, build, make candy, arrange flowers, etc... I am a hard nut to crack and have found solace in these small funnish things at the community college. I am still in control, but I get to socialize and have other thoughts outside of my panic attacks and rage.

Im a newby here too. Thanks for saying hi, it helped me not feel so broken.

Hugs

I am in the states, Penna to be exact, but these retreats are for vets, not cops and there are no other support groups around me. That's why I searched and found this forum.
I have started to run again. I ran all the time when I was on the SWAT team and I'm liking it so far. I've started off slowly 1/2 mile this week, 1 mile next and so on until I get to my 3 miles a night goal.

 

[Freida]

but these retreats are for vets, not cops a

there are vet ones that have been opening to all first responders in the last year
Check out
Save a Warrior
The Warrior Connection
Sacred Mountain

Just the ones off the top of my head

 

[Jafo]

Thanks Freida!

 

[gumshoe]

I am a guy suffering from ptsd. I spent nearly 20 years as a police officer seeing terrible things and when I left that profession I did some other things and then felt I was called to ministry which I did for a few years and my ptsd came back from dealing with death and misery.

I've also caused misery in my family from being miserable all the time and I've been living away from my family for a few months now and I have very little hope that I will one day be back with my family.

I go to sleep each night hoping and praying that God will just let me go to sleep and not wake up. Unfortunately that's hasn't happened!

So each day I crawl out if bed dreading the day ahead and hoping that he will soon grant my prayer. I don't believe in suicide as I've seen what that does to not only families but those who respond to these types of calls.

I am so very tired of life and as Winston Churchill said "I've grown bored with it all."

I have a counselor and I've expressed these thought to her. I've sought answers in the bible and everyone refers me to Job but that doesn't help me.

I almost feel as though this is God's way of punishing me for my screwed up llfe.

I have no friends anymore so I don't have anyone to talk to and I miss having a friend to just hang out with or just talk to. The loneliness I feel sucks and I'm not real good at letting people get to know me on a friend level. I feel as though I should just go live in the woods since that's kind of where I am on an emotional level.

I feel broken and unfixable at this point in my life and I have little hope for the future.

Retired (disability) cop here. New here also. I am keeping it simple as I can and am trying not to dwell on anything too long. I'm an old man now and am certain a good start is bringing light to the memories. Just air them and go from there.

"That which is denied can't be healed"

 

[Terry in Australia]

I am a guy suffering from ptsd. I spent nearly 20 years as a police officer seeing terrible things and when I left that profession I did some other things and then felt I was called to ministry which I did for a few years and my ptsd came back from dealing with death and misery.

I've also caused misery in my family from being miserable all the time and I've been living away from my family for a few months now and I have very little hope that I will one day be back with my family.

I go to sleep each night hoping and praying that God will just let me go to sleep and not wake up. Unfortunately that's hasn't happened!

So each day I crawl out if bed dreading the day ahead and hoping that he will soon grant my prayer. I don't believe in suicide as I've seen what that does to not only families but those who respond to these types of calls.

I am so very tired of life and as Winston Churchill said "I've grown bored with it all."

I have a counselor and I've expressed these thought to her. I've sought answers in the bible and everyone refers me to Job but that doesn't help me.

I almost feel as though this is God's way of punishing me for my screwed up llfe.

I have no friends anymore so I don't have anyone to talk to and I miss having a friend to just hang out with or just talk to. The loneliness I feel sucks and I'm not real good at letting people get to know me on a friend level. I feel as though I should just go live in the woods since that's kind of where I am on an emotional level.

I feel broken and unfixable at this point in my life and I have little hope for the future.

How do I reply, first, you are just you, human, not perfect, but you are a worthy and potentially extraordinary person. Apart from that you have reached out. All I know is that if you don't die you will live. So, if you live, live the life that makes you happy. Think about that. Oh and never ever
give up. Ever.

 

[Jafo]

Thank you my friend!

 

[Jafo]

Things still suck for me...Being lonely and having nobody to share things with really blows!

 

[Jafo]

I go to work, come back to my temporary living place and watch movies. I have trust issues with people. Maybe it's my Law Enforcement background or maybe it's just ingrained in me from childhood, but if you have but one good friend in your life, you are rich!

 

[FlyingDove]

Thank you all for your input. I am trying to overcome these things that haunt me and sometimes they get the best of me.

I appreciate your reaching out and I look forward to getting to know you all as time goes on.

There are no ptsd groups to talk about this stuff unless you're a veteran and go to the VA.

Many cops and ems suffer silently because they have no place to go.

Thank you all again for your support and offers of friendship. It's something I've not had in many years.

Welcome to this group. I am a new member also. Thank you for your service. I have been through spiritual abuse and have needed to sort out my beliefs. God does not punish. People do.