Hello - New Girl Who Loves A Man With PTSD

[cha0sbydesign]

Hey everyone. I found this forum while doing some research about PTSD in relation to Iraq war vets, because I just lost someone that I love very much, and the only thing that points to anything valid - is his PTSD. (He was diagnosed with PTSD after returning from Afghanistan in 2005, and has since been going to the VA, therapy, and been prescribed medications that he refuses to take).

Our relationship has ended, but this man is my best friend of 10 years, and although we've only just begun an intimate relationship about 6 months ago, we have a connection that is rare to find, and I can't shake the feeling that he's running away from me, and I don't know what to do.

Maybe someday I will be able to tell my story on this forum, but I guess for now, I will just read, and absorb as much knowledge as I can.

I am trying right now to give him his space and not talk to him, and let him deal with his therapy and healing, but part of me doesn't even know if he will ever be healed. Such a heart breaking thought :(

We're both struggling with this breakup. For someone that I was sure was my soul mate, and vice versa, it all just crumbled too quickly to be real.

It's so hard to love someone SO MUCH, and then within 24 hours they shut you out emotionally, and walk away from you for no valid reason. It's mind boggling. I hope that reading this forum will help me to understand.

 

[Jawn]

Welcome to the forum. You will find a lot of information and support here. Read the articles on the main page and check out the posts in the Career section. You will find many threads there of other career's stories and struggles.

You are on the right track to education yourself and to give him time/space. One key thing is he must WANT to get better and go to therapy.

Jawn

 

[cha0sbydesign]

Thank you Jawn :)

And he is going to therapy. He does know he's "broken" (his words, not mine).
I've told him that I'm here for him, but he's so shut down and retreated that I don't expect to hear from him any time soon.

Is it possible for PTSD to get better and worse at times?
I feel like in the past month he's completely changed and shut down and become negative, when before he was happier, told me very intimate secrets, etc...

I feel like he's falling down a tunnel, and I'm trying SO hard to grab him and save him from falling but I can't reach him...

 

[intothelight]

Hi,

Welcome to the Forum. There is an entire section for Combat PTSD and you'll find a lot of information in both sections.

I hope you find the support and tools you need to work through this.

ITL

 

[Jawn]

He may know that his condition is causing you pain and he is trying to protect you from it. My wife recently moved out to focus on her therapy and I'm sure that her desire to protect me is part of why she left. PTSD can really mess someone up and confuse them. You can read my story in a thread called Big Shock Tonight.

There is an article called the Ideal Career that you might want to read in the Career Information section. Actually, you might want to read most/all of the articles in that section. PTSD is not easy and even if he comes back to you, you will have a rough road ahead.

Keep educating yourself and be there if/when he reaches out to you, but realize too, he may never do that. Most of all, take care of yourself and do not let your anxiety/worry/fear create your own health problems.

Jawn

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Welcome to the Forum!

My heart breaks for you as I read your intro. Being on both sides of the coin as a sufferer and a carer I can relate to both sides of the pain. Jawn is so very right on, you need to take care of yourself and educate yourself. You sound like a strong person who is taking steps to do both and I commend you for that. Good Job! Hang in there and stick around here. You will find answers, some you want and some you really do not want to hear. Be open to both though. It will help in the big scope of things!

Best Wishes! PH

 

[jenkins123]

I too came to this forum for the same reasons as you so i empathise with your pain. My recent ex's PTSD is from childhood trauma, but sounds like a similar shutdown situation to mine. I am trying to give him space as recommended on here, I haven't heard back yet and it breaks my heart, but it does seem that space is a big deal especialy if he initiates/asks for it. If your man is aware of his issues that is a big step so hang in.

 

[cha0sbydesign]

Thank you so much everyone. Every time I come to this forum I end up crying.
It's hard when you love someone so much, and you know they love you, and they just can't communicate with you or be with you. It's devastating really.

I wish before I moved across 3 states to be with him, and sold everything I owned, that I would've done the research and talked to him about PTSD. Instead nothing was ever said, something triggered him into a rage, I moved out, and this is our story :(

I can't imagine ever loving someone else as much as I love him, but I guess PTSD sufferes cannot be forced.

Thank you for the advice, I plan on continuing to research, and I pray that I eventually hear from him. I miss my best friend terribly.

 

[jenkins123]

I really feel your pain. I didn't know anything about PTSD, we ended, he is emotionally numb, unavailable to me and becoming aggressive even, and yet I feel, as you do, that it's all the PTSD, and I wish, like you, I had read it all before we ended so I could have 'helped' more. What I have learnt on this site though is that they need to want to help themselves, you can't do it, and they may need to be away from you to do it, or even not come back to you at all as a relationship may not be appropriate just now, they may even feel more pain while with you. That is so very hard to hear when you love him and he loves you, and we feel so frustrated and we want to tell them not to shake us off, we want to be around and support.

Give him space, the hardest advice to hear, believe me I know it! Count the days if necessary but really wait a while. I didn't wait and I drove him further away. The good news, it seems like your man knows what's going on and is dealing with it, he may still come back to you, just don't push. If I've learned anything, that is it. I'm still hoping mine with come back.

 

[cha0sbydesign]

I really feel your pain. I didn't know anything about PTSD, we ended, he is emotionally numb, unavailable to me and becoming aggressive even, and yet I feel, as you do, that it's all the PTSD, and I wish, like you, I had read it all before we ended so I could have 'helped' more. What I have learnt on this site though is that they need to want to help themselves, you can't do it, and they may need to be away from you to do it, or even not come back to you at all as a relationship may not be appropriate just now, they may even feel more pain while with you. That is so very hard to hear when you love him and he loves you, and we feel so frustrated and we want to tell them not to shake us off, we want to be around and support.

Give him space, the hardest advice to hear, believe me I know it! Count the days if necessary but really wait a while. I didn't wait and I drove him further away. The good news, it seems like your man knows what's going on and is dealing with it, he may still come back to you, just don't push. If I've learned anything, that is it. I'm still hoping mine with come back.

Wow. I really feel what you just wrote. It brought tears to my eyes. Such similar situations.

He just called me, and against every grain of my fiber, I'm letting it go and not returning it. I need to step away right now and FORCE myself to not be there for him every time he needs me, until he is willing to come back to me and want to work on things together.

The hard part is knowing he needs me, and knowing that he doesn't know how to communicate that to me through words. I feel it through his hugs, and the way he will hold onto me...but his verbal communication about anything beyond surface issues, is darn near non-existent.

He's doing a sleep study on PTSD right now, along with therapy, and also physical therapy and acupuncture all through the Veterans Hospital...

I guess you're right. Let go, and hope he comes back, but he may not.
He may never be alright enough to.

But in the spirit of being positive, here's to hoping they do eventually :(
They clearly have women who love the crap outta them!

 

[Tinyflame]

Hello, cha0sbydesign,

Hope you find much helpful information and support here, and yes you carers sound remarkable.

I'm not sure if I'm reading this right, but him contacting you (as opposed to the other way around) is what they mean by giving space I believe; likely his verbal communication skills won't improve without practise. However, I respect your decision and only you know what is good for you.

I think it helps to remember, in general, that reasons a ptsd sufferer has to leave are (or seem like) valid reasons to them. Also, the way to "support" (as it is for all people) is to respect what they communicate, for example to not be contacted.

I hope you find peace and please don't blame yourself.

 

[cha0sbydesign]

Little update.

Finally spoke with him yesterday regarding his PTSD. And like much of the information I've read on here, he told me that he feels like it's not my burden to carry, and that most people would run if they knew what went through his head on a daily basis.

I just told him that I'm not running anywhere, and that I'm always here for him if/when he wants to talk.
The door has been opened for him, it's his choice to walk through it.

Now begins the real wait.