Relationship Dating A Man With Ptsd

[InsideOut]

To Sighs: You are absolutely right about boundaries. After the first raging incident, I was able to talk with him about it, although it didn't seem that he was owning the behavior or felt any reason to apologize. Other disagreements about his isolation and shutting me out are met with great defensiveness, or complete silence. I have found him on an online dating site although only the week before he said he could see himself being married to me, how great it would be to be together every day, wants to move our relationship forward.....all the words that suggest that he is making some sort of commitment to me. He will make plans on Wednesday to get together on either Friday or Saturday. Friday rolls around and he is unreachable, then if I do hear from him on Saturday there is 10 out of 10 times an excuse why he can't get together. I have caught him with another woman, saw them kissing, and confronted him about who she is. His reply was she works where he does, and lives within walking distance of his place. I am 30 minutes away. He told me she is only a "friend" and so I asked if I could meet her. He says no and states that she will be gone in a few weeks. Not that she is moving, I guess that with him that is as long as he goes. He and I going back and forth for nearly 2 years, but it takes a heavy toll on me. I have a serious health issue which is under control, but doctors say stress and lack of sleep will impact my condition and accelerate it to an emergency. In nearly 2 years I have tried to tell him about my condition and he always stops me and says he would like to talk about that some other time. He makes it very uncomfortable for me not to be forthright about my health. But I take it one day at a time, that is all I can do.
I am so grateful that I found this site and this forum to read others posts and also to add to these discussions.

 

[Sighs]

@InsideOut - I have spent years of my life in relationships waiting for things to improve. (And those were the ones before I met my combat PTSD partner!) My question to people generally is this - are you prepared to stay in the relationship as it is right now? with no expectation or hope that it will improve?

 

[Sweetpea76]

I have found him on an online dating site

I have caught him with another woman, saw them kissing

PTSD does not cause infidelity... it really really does not. Your sufferer still knows right from wrong and has to make the choice to be unfaithful. Please do not fall into the trap of excusing all kinds of crap behavior just because he happens to have PTSD.

 

[Nico]

I'm with @Sweetpea76 on this one. Perhaps some of his disappearing acts are because he's with another woman. He's also calling her a friend. Friends don't make out with each other unless they're "friends with benefits." Personally, if I was in your shoes, I'd leave. If your man wants to live like he's single, then he should be alone.

 

[InsideOut]

@Sighs, @Sweetpea76, @Nico I hear your messages loud and clear and really these thoughts have always been in the back of my mind all along. It is very reassuring to have your support and knowing that I am not out there alone. I have been lost in dealing with this man, seems every time I build some distance, he has a way of reeling me back in and then I right back in the same situation. He makes so many promises and so few does he follow through with, I really need someone I rely on. I have been there for him without hesitation whenever he has needed anything. This makes me feel very foolish as I try not to think that he hurts me in a deliberate way. I have communicated my feelings about his actions in a sensitive and thoughtful manner and he acknowledges them but he continues to do the same things to me again. You are all correct, so many reasons to walk away......but why does it feel so impossible to do?

 

[Stephpattie]

Thanks for all the advice I just got a chance to catch up on the site unfortunately this has been a emotional roller coaster these last few months!!! Although I know he loves me and I truly love him we have hit a place where we have separated a few times mostly with him asking me back. He has not been mean since that first and last incident and he explained that February was a ruff month for him due to his fathers birthday being that month and he passed away so he stresses over it! I understand PTSD and I have googled joined groups received e-mails and read articles and books but in April I just got upset with the fact he kept finding faults in me yet not himself when I have been there for him consistently with any and all problems including health issues since I work in the health field I know he appreciates me but it is so frustrating this has been the longest we have ever gone without speaking! I miss him tremendously we shared so much we were best friends! I just don't know if we will recover this time he went silent when I told him he lost a good girl I may have pushed him away into a depressed state but I was just upset that day and now as I think about it I realize that I chose to be in it for the long haul and I knew days like that would come and it wouldn't be worth losing him if nothing else but as a friend. All I can hope for now is that he one day realizes my love was strong and true and at least we can still be cordial as friends. I feel I have lost the best friend/ significant other I ever had in spite of the ruff days I just don't know how to recover the friendship so I have just basically let it go but I still hope he comes back around one day I know he has shared things with me he will not open up to with many about because we just clicked and got close these last two years and I as well have shared so much with him! He trusts me with his personal and health information and for the most part a part of me and him knows we will never betray that trust all his secrets insecurities and fears as well as mines are safe with me and him. I salute all of you strong women and sufferers because love is such a beautiful thing and you selflessly give it knowing you may not receive it back in the same manner but in a weird way you stay because you know it is worth it and he/she does really love you!!! I also learned that my friends nor family will or would understand our bond or relationship so I rarely if ever discuss it that uis why super groups like this one is so important thank you so much!

 

[lonelyeyes]

You ever see someone and just get a feeling? Even though you don't know them, you can not stop thinking about them? They just pop in your head for no reason? That's what lead me to where I am today....

I had his number and sometimes I was drawn to just look at his number. It scared me that I did not know this person except a small conversation, yet I could not stop thinking about him.

I meet him almost two years ago. It took that long for it to come to us dating, I realize now due to PTSD. He called next day after we meet and I could not go out with him. I try to set up another time, did not work out. I could not figure out what his deal was....I gave up.... though I still could not stop him from pooping in my head.

I ran into to him one night and he said this is odd I was just thinking about you for no reason. I thought it was a pick up line, but he has said over and over it was the truth.

I knew he was in the military years ago, as he is in his 40's. He did not serve long, but was in the desert storm war.

I did not know what I was getting involved with until about a month after dating him. We made plans and he had to cancel. There was confusion that about seeing each other later if possible. To me he had another girlfriend.

My biggest issues are we can not make plans. If I ask if he like to do something he is not sure yet. He never knows what he is doing from one day to the next. His memory is awful. He can not recall appts.etc. It takes him days to months to accomplish things he wants to get done. He blows me off to be with friends who served, which sometimes I am ok with. He needs his bro time. But I feel like he rather be with friends then me. His drinking has been a problem because he can go all day and night drinking with his friends. Then sleeps all the next day and complains how he had so much he wanted to do.

Like many I have read on this site, he does the no responding thing a lot. No contact for days...no phone...no text....nothing! When we first started dating, it did not bother me. It was normal not to hear from him every day. Go days and then get a text or call. The first couple of times we got into a spat, and he will text or call a few days later. Which seemed immature but normal when arguing.
Now I can be with him for a weekend or he will call me every day then I wont hear from him for days on end. It hurts!!! It makes me feel unloved, unwanted, not important, etc.

I have been told by people who have been in his life a long time, he is like that to them. It is just not me, and that he is better with keeping in touch with me then all of them. I found it to be childish and rude to ignore people. Reading all these post I understand a little more then I did before. But how do you deal with it? How do you know someone truly cares for you, who can just stop communicating with you; expect you to be ok with it when they reach back out? That's the worst part. He never sees it as a problem, or does and just does not care. I constantly feel like I did something wrong that makes him stop talking to me.

It is a roller coaster of emotions at times.He goes from wanting me in his life 24/7 to I don't here from him from days. No kidding! He will hound me if I am on my way to meet him, or to see him...Where are you? You on your way? I can not wait to see you! Then I have to be ok with not seeing or hearing from him when he choices? I am new to this and I am so frustrated.

 

[MaferefunYemaya]

So after several months of not talking and seeing each other, he hit me with he wasn't ready and invited me to a bbq. I don't even know what to do, because the hurt was deep and I'm still trying to get over it. I can't allow him to do that again. I'm kinda lost.

 

[Nico]

I had to read this again to get caught up. Personally, I wouldn't go back. It's basically been 6 months and now he gets to pop back in your life just like that? It's your decision, but I wouldn't go to a BBQ. I'd *maybe* get a cup of coffee and see what he has to say. A BBQ is too social of an environment after all this time. That would be super awkward for me. I don't want to speculate, but perhaps he is lonely and wasn't having much luck out there in the dating field and is now back to you. You do understand that his behavior is something guys do? They always come back when they're in a dating rut. We don't know if he has sincere feelings for you or if he'll do the same thing to you again. Just remember that people rarely change. I'm happily dating someone now, but if my PTSD guy was to come back to me there is no chance in hell I'd take him back. He hurt me like no man ever has and I can never forget that, even as much as I want to. That was very hard to get over and I would never want to go through that ever, ever again.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

It's your decision, but I wouldn't go to a BBQ. I'd *maybe* get a cup of coffee and see what he has to say. A BBQ is too social of an environment after all this time.

Ditto this part :)

It IS your decision and only yours. But I will say my PTSD man has shut me out twice in our ten years - once for 7 months, once for 2 months, and most recently kinda shut me out for a day - but we're DEEP into our relationship, and this last one was totally my own fault - I triggered him (and I KNOW I did it, not just him saying so - sometimes ppl with PTSD may think they know why they're triggered and can often blame their SO, but that doesn't mean the SO is at fault .. perceptions can be screwy too - even in the best of the most "normal" of relationships .. only you will know if there is a legitimate reason for him to be "let back in" .. but a private convo first is DEFINITELY better than a social outing ..)

Additional sidenote - the 7 month "halt" for us was broken at a social event - he showed up without RSVP to my brother's (his former roommate's) wedding, and after months of silence hugged me and went about his own socializing. That ice was broken enough for us to eventually figure things out; BUT I think this kind of thing is the EXCEPTION, not the rule .. and our "social event" was an outing we BOTH had legit reason to attend - not just me showing up at something with all or only HIS social circle ....

If you say you "can't allow him to do that again" that is an indicator you should take seriously - cuz in all likelihood he WILL. In my case .. I loved my man enough to be willing to say I would love him NO matter what, and I learned to accept that these "shut outs" would repeat, AND as HORRIBLE as they are, I've learned enough to know how to weather them .... BUUUUT! I know I have a GOOD man. If he's a GOOD man, the shut-outs and PTSD related stuff are a) not the core of who he is, and b) not "defining" to his character. His "bad" days, we treat a little like "sick" days - I leave him to his recovery as if he caught the flu .. take care of him if I can (if I can "nurse" him in bed, so to speak - clean his house, cook for him, stroke his hair), or take care of him by leaving him ALONE (can't stand being touched, can't stand another human in his presence for a while) till he can take care of himself again ... it's all a learning process. You gotta know if HE'S worth it, and if your LOVE is strong enough .. Some of the things you've said make me question both in your case ....

*my two cents worth* <-- Not much! ;)

:inlove:

~S2B