Sufferer Hello, New Girl, Years Of All Types Abuse And Childhood Trama

[frogprincess]

TeddySue: I can totally relate to that, Oh my gosh I can't believe the things people do these days.. NO ONE surprises me they only amaze me. I would have felt exactly the same way you did.

Did you ever end up confronting him or do you still have to encounter him every Sunday? Do you think that eventually you will confront him or let it go? I hope its ok if I ask that?

Thank you for responding to me, I think you're right with the trauma trigger bond. I know there's been people I've done that with in the past. I usually can walk away, but this one has been tough. The control abuse (that's what I'm gonna call what he's doing to me) is so overwhelming I'm doubting myself. I even get so upset I can't remember what's happening or what he says. Which is tough I have good memory skills. Then when I do remember he turns it around and NEVER validates my feelings.

He went through a bad marriage and divorce and seems to be afraid to show me love, which in turn makes me feel rejected, which brings up severe abandonment issues I already have. I really appreciate your insight thank you so much. It made my day to come home from work and have a message.

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[TeddySue]

"Did you ever end up confronting him or do you still have to encounter him every Sunday? Do you think that eventually you will confront him or let it go? I hope its ok if I ask that?"

Yesterday, I sent an email to this family PLUS the other Elder and the Pastor, so there can be no mistake what I said and how I feel about this situation. I covered my butt well. It feels so good to have that elephant in the room acknowledged. The ball is in their court now and I will wait it out.

"Thank you for responding to me, I think you're right with the trauma trigger bond."

I have this book about trauma bonds and have read it over several times until I finally figured out, for me, this was a big issue in my life. For me, there is always a reason why, and it's my job to weed through all the pain and find the REAL reason why I reacted like I did/do.


"I know there's been people I've done that with in the past. I usually can walk away, but this one has been tough."

I am so interested in HOW you can walk away. Is this before the melt-down, or afterward?


"The control abuse (that's what I'm gonna call what he's doing to me) is so overwhelming I'm doubting myself. I even get so upset I can't remember what's happening or what he says."

For me, I am sooooo far gone with the first inkling of a dispute or trigger that I, also, cannot remember what the other person said, and it takes a while for me to sort through it to find the REAL reason for my outburst of fear. I can NOT abide anyone trying to control me, or me even presuming they are trying to control me. My life, from a child up has been overshadowed by control. First my parents, then men in general, and finally this last husband of 35 years. He is no long in my life and I have time to search through what has happened to really be honest about his total control of everything.

"Which is tough I have good memory skills. Then when I do remember he turns it around and NEVER validates my feelings."

Does he have selective memory and only remembers it one way, which does not include you or your needs? My husband was like that, and he was such a fine-skilled manipulator, liar, and con-artist, that I sent a lot of years believing him, until this last "stuff" hit the fan. And now, I can see clearly all the control-abuse I just accepted. NOT any more.

"...which in turn makes me feel rejected, which brings up severe abandonment issues I already have."

My abandonment issues are so intense that I'm almost embarrassed how they affect even everyday acquaintances. Most of the time I feel like I am a losers even before I start something very important to me. I walk away. I tell myself I deserve nothing better. It's a hard cross to bear. You are very welcome and I am so happy to be here and read that others have gone through the same things.

 

[frogprincess]

TeddySue:
Sorry it's taking me acouple days to reply, I had a very busy couple of days at work. :) I think that's great that you sent an email, especiallly after waiting a couple days. My counsoler told me its good to sit on it then reply. It's definitely something I have to work on.

I'm really interested in the trauma bond info, what's the name of that book?
When I'm talking about walking away: I repond in so many different ways but when I walk away it's either as I'm triggering or I've already lost it and need to retreat back to safety. I can tell somethings happening when a trigger is coming on, I feel the anxiety go through the roof, I can't think clearly and I feel like I want to climb out of my skin. I then all of a sudden freeze or have this uncontrolable need to run away. To keep composure takes every bit of me, but then I'm so exhausted I need to take a nap, which of course I'm never where that's ok at the right time. Then sometimes I absolutely lose it, I disassociate regularly which makes me worry about the repucussions when its over.

Not that I'm trying to pry but I'm really interested in your ex-relationship it sounds a lot like what I'm going through. How did you get the strength to stay away? I can stay away for awhile, then my anxiety takes me to places that are hurting me. My mind is way to busy. I think my boyfriend is a control manipulator, that doesn't even try to see anything from my view. I know what your saying about the abandonment issues, mine are the same way you mentioned yours are. It's really embarrassing I actually don't like to make new friends cause of them. I've had some friends that I really bonded with and because of their own life issues they have ditched me which has truly ruined me at that time. I don't do well not knowing "why". I'm so glad to have found this forum, and to read about people experiencing what I do. It's an amazing feeling to know you're not alone. Thank you