Hello, This Is Very Difficult.

[hazen]

Hello all. I have actually been visiting the forum for a week or so but haven't had the courage to introduce myself. So please forgive me if I sound a bit awkward...I am incredibly anxious right now.

I have complex PTSD from abuse suffered as a child. My parents would barge into my room at night if I was still awake trying to read and would beat me. This happened many times. They would hit me whenever I did something they didn't like... once my mother discovered that wood breaks if you hit something hard enough with it she switched to metal objects. My father preferred his belt or his fists.

The worst part is trying to sleep. Once the hitting stopped as I got old enough I avoided going go sleep. It always seemed like my mind didn't know how to stop turning in circles. Only in the last year did I, through therapy, realize that I had PTSD.

Night has gotten worse. Now I get anxious thinking about my own bed... I see people standing over me when I open my eyes. I don't feel like I have ever known calm or peace... I don't think I have had a proper nights sleep in over 9 years. Some nights I just want to cry and wait for the sun to come up. I'm always tired.

Sorry if this was too much or long-winded... it is amazing how hard this is. Thanks to all for this forum and the chance to talk about this... I often feel so alone. I also am trying so hard to not minimize my trauma in my head... I keep thinking someone is going to say my trauma doesn't sound too bad what is my problem? Why am I so afraid of that? I don't normally share this with anyone so now I'm a bit terrified of having done this post but here goes.

Anyway, thats me.

 

[angelheart]

Welcome,

I was also very scared when I first joined here and very much understand how you are feeling right now. There's loads of great information here and many wonderful, insightful, caring people willing to listen and help out. I find myself doing the same thing...minimizing my trauma. Trauma is trauma and it hurts.

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Welcome to the forum Hazen. I applaud your courage for making your first post. That is an awesome first step....congratulations. I am sure you will find much support here, as well as tons of information to help you on your journey. Again...Welcome and I wish you much peace.

 

[hazen]

Oh thank you both very much for the kind words. I was basically in a panic after that post!

Trauma is trauma is right. Its amazing how long its taken me to even accept that I have PTSD... my therapist even gave me the book PTSD for Dummies. Sounds silly but it helped me to have a beginning place. Now I'm happy I have found here!

 

[Ron]

Welcome to the forum! You survived horrific inhumanity. You made it through and that is incredible. It is totally unbelieveable what those evil people did to you. You were completely innocent. My heart was heavy reading your story. Again, welcome, and I wish you inner healing.

 

[revelry]

Hazen,
Welcome, and remeber you are not the one that did anything wrong, but unfortunately you are the one that has to deal with the reprecussions. You did the right thing coming here, as scary as it may have been for you, but you will find help here. I wish you the best.

 

[BrazenBull]

That feeling is normal, when i first joined I was thinking "I would just irritate these people who probably have it worse then I do, I bet I wont even get a reply" But I was wrong its amazing how people here can deal with so much and yet be so understanding of other peoples problems.

That is very horrible I'm sorry you had to go through that, hopefully things turn out better.
It seems like your trauma is triggered by trying to go to sleep, or night time, theres nothing weird about that. And based on some some patterns of some other people (I've been reading xD), and my own It seems to all get worse at night.

IDK if this will help you, but what I like to do is imagine myself somewhere else when I try to sleep. Somewhere very calming, and try not to slip out of that place.

Last night I tried listening to a 7 hr song called Somnia to try and make myself fall asleep, and it kinda worked, just listening to the sounds, then it got creepy and I fell asleep and woke up 2am with a nightmare ._.

But I slept for 15 hrs in total, despite waking up 2-3 times last night xD

 

[cherryblossom]

Hi Hazen,

Welcome to the forum, and well done for posting. I think we all know how nerve-racking it is to write that first post - and you have done it, so well done!!

Take your time now, have a good read around the forums, as you have been doing, and post again when you are ready.

Regards
Cherryblossom

 

[ChillyNilly]

Hi Hazen. I read recently (I think on the Patience Press but please don't hold me to it) that being considered a survivor may sometimes be considered negative, because there had to be a trauma for there to be survival, right? That being a survivor means we're somehow damaged. And that people also sometimes forget that to survive requires the ability to think, be creative about the conditions we're in, and be brave. You sound like you were traumatized and still are.

I like what I read, whereever I read it. I like to think that we survivors are smart, creative, and brave.

Wishing you well on your journey,
One smart creative, brave survivor to another smart creative brave survivor.
I hope the night comes soon when you sleep well.

Nilly

 

[hazen]

I really appreciate all of your kind words. My therapist today was telling me it was a huge step for me to be able to introduce myself on this forum, and while it was difficult, you have all really helped me to feel validated... and I am so very grateful.

I can't imagine how hard it would be to do this in person in front of a group of people... but this was a good first step. I don't know if I will ever do that. I think about the people who go to events like Take Back the Night where survivors step up in front of others to talk about their horrible experiences... those people are so courageous. And so are all of you!

The last few nights have been pretty rough, as they always are. But I still believe it will get better... someday.

Thanks again!

 

[May1321]

Sorry if this was too much or long-winded...

Welcome hazen... and no worries. My posts are extremely long-winded but I just like to think it means we have either a lot to share or a lot to get out. It's been helpful for me as a supporter, as well as understanding my own therapy. I hope you find as much peace and growth stemming from this by making your first steps.:tup:

 

[arcc14]

Welcome, Hazen. Sleeping is the worst for me too, which is why I keep myself awake and on this forum all night instead of sleeping. And what a pretty cat on your icon! :)