Kastehelmi
New Here
Hello.
I hate introductions. Hate to make myself visible, ask for attention, ask for people to notice me. I already started my trauma diary but today I felt like posting something of an intro, as background, and wanting to be included? Will probably feel shame and humiliation as soon as posted.
I feel burnt out or at least profoundly fatigued on a soul level. I feel like at least for the past 20 years I've been in survival mode, enduring in silence. My whole life has been about enduring alone in silence.
This forum possibly feels like the only place where I could see myself being real, authentic.
No diagnoses, but certainly c-ptsd, anorexia (now morphed into osfed), arfid, bdd, emetophobia - fairly crippling. Spiritual trauma/c-ptsd. More recently betrayal trauma in my marriage. A simultaneous food poisoning sent my emetophobia and arfid through the roof and activated some anorexic patterns too. Hsp of course. Neurodivergent spectrum. Depression and generalised anxiety, and suicidal ideation, go without saying.
Therapist has suggested strongly the following diagnoses but I have resistance to because it feels too serious and I feel too much a fake/fraud - quiet bpd (it's a part who has it anyway not me) and osdd-1 (but at least structural dissociation).
I'd say I experience depersonalisation and derealisation but I don't know, again it sounds too serious.
Anyway - dealt with trauma that I can't remember (but think it is csa/incest) by numbing, dissociation, narcotisation, distraction, withdrawal, and self-harm, self-deprivation (of which anorexia was a big part). With a lot of shields between me and it - moved 1,500 miles from home and married into a language and culture very different from mine. Bought a dilapidated house in the mountains where there is still no plumbing etc. (so that people won't come here). Haven't worked for 10 years and am hiding from friends and family (because too overwhelming - I'm only used to transactional relationships and it's difficult being a shell containing the parts because I only need to survive the day and get a bit of comfort - can't do friendships etc). Love cats and lots of them came to me (everyone lives outside).
Been in therapy for 3 years with my current therapist and that has changed everything. It's the only thing giving me hope and purpose atm, to remember and claim what happened to me, it's my big journey right now.
Can see myself only writing in my trauma diary here for now as interacting is scary and overwhelming but welcome anyone's words, because at the same time I want to be seen (and know that I am seen).
I hate introductions. Hate to make myself visible, ask for attention, ask for people to notice me. I already started my trauma diary but today I felt like posting something of an intro, as background, and wanting to be included? Will probably feel shame and humiliation as soon as posted.
I feel burnt out or at least profoundly fatigued on a soul level. I feel like at least for the past 20 years I've been in survival mode, enduring in silence. My whole life has been about enduring alone in silence.
This forum possibly feels like the only place where I could see myself being real, authentic.
No diagnoses, but certainly c-ptsd, anorexia (now morphed into osfed), arfid, bdd, emetophobia - fairly crippling. Spiritual trauma/c-ptsd. More recently betrayal trauma in my marriage. A simultaneous food poisoning sent my emetophobia and arfid through the roof and activated some anorexic patterns too. Hsp of course. Neurodivergent spectrum. Depression and generalised anxiety, and suicidal ideation, go without saying.
Therapist has suggested strongly the following diagnoses but I have resistance to because it feels too serious and I feel too much a fake/fraud - quiet bpd (it's a part who has it anyway not me) and osdd-1 (but at least structural dissociation).
I'd say I experience depersonalisation and derealisation but I don't know, again it sounds too serious.
Anyway - dealt with trauma that I can't remember (but think it is csa/incest) by numbing, dissociation, narcotisation, distraction, withdrawal, and self-harm, self-deprivation (of which anorexia was a big part). With a lot of shields between me and it - moved 1,500 miles from home and married into a language and culture very different from mine. Bought a dilapidated house in the mountains where there is still no plumbing etc. (so that people won't come here). Haven't worked for 10 years and am hiding from friends and family (because too overwhelming - I'm only used to transactional relationships and it's difficult being a shell containing the parts because I only need to survive the day and get a bit of comfort - can't do friendships etc). Love cats and lots of them came to me (everyone lives outside).
Been in therapy for 3 years with my current therapist and that has changed everything. It's the only thing giving me hope and purpose atm, to remember and claim what happened to me, it's my big journey right now.
Can see myself only writing in my trauma diary here for now as interacting is scary and overwhelming but welcome anyone's words, because at the same time I want to be seen (and know that I am seen).
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