Hello

[gidge]

Hi, I just wanted to introduce myself.

I'm 33 yrs old from New Zealand, and have just been diagnosed with PTSD following the suicide of my boyfriend 15 years ago.

For years I have had flashbacks on and off following this event however the symptoms have worsened in the last 2 weeks, and now I keep feeling like my life is a dream and nothing feels real.

It would be so good to talk to others going through this as well as I keep feeling like I'm going insane.

 

[Ted Moen]

Hey Gidge, welcome. In 1976 my mentor and bf committed suicide. He said he was going to do so to get even with me for not being as close of a friend as he thought I should be. I already had ptsd (combat fatigue - it was before the diagnosis was developed) and could only let others get so close to me before I would do stuff to drive them away, or at least back to a safe distance. Suicide leaves us with a lot of unresolved thoughts and feelings, many of which we just stuff because we can't deal with them at the time. Then they come out in bits and pieces years later. There's nothing crazy about the process, but it is distracting and uncomfortable when the stuff begins to pop up. Talking with a therapist is good, as is chatting with others who have had similar experiences in a safe environment.

Ted

 

[anni]

Hi Gidge,

Please know you're not alone with whatever you're going through. There are many here who have worried with the 'going insane' thing, I think. Just finding others, or even reading about others who are experiencing the same things you are is very helpful- you know you're not 'the only one', or possibly 'crazy' or any of the other things which go through your mind when dealing with PTSD without support.

The articles here are awfully helpful, if you have the energy to browse through them. I know for me personally it was just plain comforting to be able to put some anxiety or worry to rest just through sheer information, if that makes any sense. Reading threads and posts is comforting and helpful also, since as you've already seen there are others who share your journey. We all do somewhat here, with PTSD as the common denominator.

I hope being here gives you some peace, and welcome to the forum.

Take care,

Anni

 

[gidge]

Hi thanks for your welcomes. Is great to know im not alone and others have been through it as well.
I know have to relive the nightmare through counselling in order to be able to heal, which seems like such a big task at the moment. Does it ever get any easier?

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear gidge,

I think something that is obviously missed when suicide is brought up, is that others usually do so (try to explain it or make sense of it), at a time when they are able to think a lot more clearly than the person could themself; the moment in time when the person they cared about 'did' it probably made no real 'sense' to the person either, at all.. Unfortunately, truth be known it's highly unlikely at that moment or the ones that preceeded them that that person could clearly discriminate what to think, what to believe, or what to reason.

I think in that regard it is not surprising then that it doesn't seem to be an accurate reflection of all they were as a person, or what they felt or thought or tried to think or projected or even felt for others or believed, at more 'rational' moments.

It wasn't your fault gidge, or any reflection on you, or lack of love for you. Or anyone else here. Usually it's just very desperate, very sad, very confused, and very disconnected.

 

[Zemi]

Hi gidge, I'm glad you are here and I think, there are lots of ups and downs with all of this, but hopefully it leads to you finding greater healing than what you have now :)

 

[anni]

It does get easier. It's aways different then, is the thing. I still have a tough time remembering that, expecting myself to react in a certain way or become very frustrated when I cannot which is where therapy and tools and just plain being kind to yourself comes in. Being here has been hugely helpful for me because it's logging in like today, when things have gotten the better of me on the PTSD scale and I know it.I'm not behaving or reacting 'out here' rationally or well- noone in my world has this thing so can't be expected to see things through my eyes. I work my tools, come here where it's ok and I'm not a kook, gather myself together and meet the world for another day. Today will not be a good one but because of therapy and just time it got better and most days certainly are good with some wonderful ones thrown in there. Like I said, it is different but that's ok too.

I hope today is one of the good ones for you. :)

 

[gidge]

Thanks.

Looking back I've had PTSD for years but has been worse lately. Its like at times I'm back living 15 years ago and am so disconnected to my life now, where I feel almost nothing towards my husband or kids. I am having so much trouble concentrating at times on things and the mood swings are horrible. I can be depressed/ suicidal one minute and then laughing the next. This is like nothing I've ever known.

So great to hear others are in the same boat makes it a little easier to bear when u know your not alone.

 

[anni]

It's awful, I'm sorry- also I know. I do think one of the reasons therapy is helpful is because it gives one direction and at least hope going into it, you know? Some reason to expect that this is not forever, and then it transpires that it's not. Because it really is a matter of something becoming rewired in there, it's just plain not a matter of 'toughing it out', or being able to deal with it alone. It's why it's a good idea to get into therapy. Yes, it's our disorder but these experts understand it in the same way you'd go to an orthopedic doctor for a broken arm, you know? It's just unseen damage on the outside, with no cast or stitches-hard to explain to others and lots just do not understand so makes it tougher, I know. I've always liked the opening statement here in the forum as non-alarmist but calling attention to some very serious bare facts with PTSD, but doing so with the proverbial blue sky behind it because there is one.

Sometimes it's onerous to even keep answering your own thread here, depending on how one feels that day. It's nice because it's always up to you what you're up to and what you say, or how much. Everyone seems different as to what is helpful, going at one's own pace with what they can manage that day is a welcome freedom, isn't it? Browsing those articles sometimes when I'm reallyyyy not doing well still gives me enourous comfort with not being alone and actually feeling 'normal', and then reading and posting good times seems to generate energy to keep them going for some reason. I'm sure the experts could explain why this is so but I'm not one of them! :)