Sufferer Hello

[Artemesia's Garden]

Hi there,

I have PTSD after being attacked while at university in 2002. I was recently in a relationship for over a year with a guy who also has PTSD. I picked up Bessel van der Kolk's The Body Keeps the Score last week. I realised that I only understood PTSD from my own narrow (female) perspective which made it hard for me to support my ex boyfriend. Well, I did a lot to support him but not enough to make it work as a couple. We are very close friends and it is very difficult to lose him, so I am wrangling with where the boundaries should really go now we are no longer 'an item'. We will probably have an extended break from each other before I have to decide but no doubt I will spend a lot of time obsessively thinking about it over the coming months. Anyway, once I started refreshing and revising my knowledge with this amazing book I felt empowered to start more actively managing my condition again, since the breakup I've been like a boat with no sail. Staying afloat but not really going anywhere.

 

[Friday]

Welcome to the forums :)

If it helps at all, I've almost exclusively dated men who have my own brand of crazy ;) (combat PTSD), and there were just some that no matter how much I loved them as a friend, the way our disorders interacted just didn't work. Sometimes like throwing gasoline on a fire, other times the slow death by 1,000 cuts... Fast or slow, dramatically or quietly... We just didn't work in a romantic partnership. Some, meanwhile, fit together damn near perfect, but there were other things going on that meant we didn't work out. There was nearly always a very difficult transition switching from dating to friends. Sometimes either we'd waited to long to break up & there was too much bad blood, and there was no coming back from it. Others, following an initial "well this is awkward" period, we were able to go back to being damn good friends who had tried dating once -Never. Again.- and we now we could laugh about it as part of our shared history and friendship.

Either way things shake out with your ex? Really glad that in looking for ways to help the two of you, you found a way to help yourself. Especially if you're the kind of person who will do for others what you wouldn't do for yourself, so it took something like this to let you find ways to move forward in your own life.

 

[Anarchy]

Welcome to the forum (love the chantarelles)

It's something that I hadn't realised until I started to visit here, that most of the people who I've dated have had attachment problems

I think it was Friday's ∆ quip that it's a bit like gaydar, only tuned in to trauma.

I married one of those people, only to find that our demons refused to play nice. I didn't accept until a few years after we'd split up that i have lots of crap to deal with. Half a decade or so later and we're actually friends.

This is one of those strange places, where people actually understand
Welcome.

 

[Artemesia's Garden]

Welcome to the forums :)

Hello Friday, many thanks for your reply. This is really useful to know. I might post a new thread on this when I've finished the book. In a week or so maybe I will be able to explain it better as well. Thank you for that very thoughtful comment at the end as well. I feel like joining this forum is also a good step.

Welcome to the forum (love the chantarelles).

Hi Anarchy. It's funny, my ex has a (really badly drawn) anarchy tattoo right on his arm! Yes I'm beginning to come to the same conclusion, that I always seek traumatised men because they remind me of my Father and are often understanding about my difficulties as well. But then so far, we never manage to function as a couple. I definitely have plenty of work to do for myself at this point in my life and now I will have time. I'm sorry that you had a difficult break up but it sounds good that you are friends. This is offering me quite a lot of comfort!

It is so strange to immediately find people who understand! I don't know many people who do in real life. I dont' know anyone who has read as much as I have on trauma recently including my therapist! Thank you for such a great welcome.

 

[Dannyuk78]

hi and welcome,

Its good to see you are still carrying the torch to recovery and you now have access to this huge family that i have found are more than willing to help where they can.

look forward to talking with you