Justmehere
Sponsor
Ugh. This is awful. He is wrong. You know that, right? It's probably hard to believe that right now. But he is wrong. As I read through your posts, I became quite concerned that he was actually the abuser, and gaslighting/pathologizing you, and because of your difficulty to regulate your own emotions, it made it seem all the more true... when he is wrong. I don't care what you were doing, you are not too damaged and unable to change. It's abusive to tell someone that they are too damaged.
His reaction to your efforts to become educated about PTSD and how to change were quite strange and hallmark signs of an abuser. It might have been that you were starting to make changes, and he couldn't be your rescuer as much anymore, sand thus rejected you because of that.
I'm guessing that his comments about you were actually a fair amount of projection: things he actually thought about himself but tried to put on you.
See here? You are internalizing his messages that come from him. Give them back to him. He's not a therapist, not a doctor, and unqualified to make clinical determinations about how able you are to change.
His efforts to isolate you from other supports is sick and wrong. That's what an abuser does.
This is false. This is what your abusers want you to believe. It's time to start disagreeing with them. You absolutely can not be responsible for other's actions to abuse you and commit acts of trauma. You are simply not that powerful.
It is probably time to learn to set and keep healthy boundaries and how to regulate your own emotions on your own better, and it's so great you are doing DBT. I think it will help a lot for you to build healthy relationships. (by the way, DBT would not be recommended if you really had no ability to change.)
Do you know of any CBT skills you can use to counter act distorted thoughts like this? To start having good or at least neutral statements about you in your mind as well as his false misleading statements about you?
You were/are struggling to regulate and hold on to a sense of yourself, but that doesn't make you an abuser or crazy. You are not damaged or incapable. You are traumatized and struggling, and need healthy support to make the changes in life you clearly want to make. I'm so glad you are doing all the work in therapy that you are doing and that's something to be very proud about. You are not "pathetic" at all.
Try to be kind to you. It will likely help you make the changes you want to make, and life has thrown enough crap at you - you deserve kindness.
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