Help.. Stuck In Therapy

[bitterfight_]

@Junebug Ahh this sucks. I don't know, like I've explored how I feel about it, why I feel this way, but I haven't tried the task yet. My next session is 3 weeks away, so I don't want to rush into getting this done. Cognitively, to my mind, it makes no sense. Usually part of me is torn, and part of me isn't but with this my entire mind is set against it.

I know people from the past I was abused or assaulted by would not have been inclined to give apologies.

See, that's exactly how I see it. To me, this task is like faking their apologies. Apologies that are like taking dirt and eating it and trying to pretend I'm eating a real meal.

I don't think I could go back and ask what I want, or would have wanted. Maybe only to identify what occurred or what I think made it worse. Or questions, but of myself (not of them).

That's exactly how I feel. I really don't think I could be like "I want them to say sorry" because (in my head) that sorry is useless. Even thinking that I would want them to say "this never should have happened" makes me think why even do this? It just reminds me of how awful and terrible people they are, and makes me feel even more disgusted with myself and them.

Actually, now that I wrote that, like @BloomInWinter described, I think this exercise is more to "help identify the parts of the trauma that are the deepest wounds which happened to us. Our therapist is able to help identify cognitive distortions which we picked up while in survivor mode that are currently hurting our feelings of safety and trust in our current lives." so now I think I understand this more. I really hate this task though. A lot. Ugh.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes Bloom's post is totally true, and right on the mark.

Well you are learning a lot already. It's not the end of the world, you can try, or modify it, or speak to your T about it. Lots of options.

It's important to push out of the comfort zone. But also know when something just isn't good timing, or not-quite-right. Or break it in to stages.

I guess for me it really would depend on how much I trusted the T, because they were the one who asked.

 

[bitterfight_]

Definitely on the mark, that's for sure. Yeah, it just felt like it because I totally shut down. I've been doing really well in therapy, and keep pushing outside of my comfort zone, but I felt like this was a bit too much, if you know what I mean. I just, initally she asked me to write out the letters for what I would want to say to them, and I told her I wasn't able to do that, and wrote it out like, scenario by scenario, year by year kind of thing. It really helped to read it out loud, but now she wants me to write "response" letters, to letters I haven't even written. It's like, what? I feel like now I can't even read out what I've written. I feel like she's pushing me into a stage I'm (clearly) not ready for, and it's frustrating because it hurts. I trust her, but I don't want to shut down and feel like I can't anymore. I don't want to give up on this yet.