Relationship Help With My Gf Who Suffers From Ptsd

[Ron66]

My girlfriend suffers from PTSD and is Bipolar. The PTSD is the result of being raped by her neighbour as a little girl and she was raped in the Marines by 3 other service guys at the same time. She had turned to drugs in the past but is on her way to recovery from that. She also goes to counselling once a week for her PTSD. We both love each other very much but there are times where I doubt her feelings towards me. She has been physically, mentally and emotionally abused by her ex-husband and the other men she had dated before me. She tells me I am so good to her and appreciates my understanding about what she has gone thru and is still going through. In the beginning of our relationship it was so wonderful with lots of intimacy and closeness. Now she has pulled back some and says she needs time to herself to heal more but still wants to be in a relationship with me.

I have been reading so much on PTSD that I truly understand a lot of why she needs time to herself and why she has pulled back from intimacy for now. I am willing to deal with this and help her through anything and be there to support her. I am a single father raising my 2 daughters ages 8 & 9 by myself. My girls love her to death and she loves them too and is so good with them. There are times I feel I can't handle the emotional roller coaster I'm on dealing with her issues, but I really love and care for her so much and want to spend the rest of my life with her. She has talked about marriage next spring and has even set up a Christian couples retreat for us to go to next month to help more with our relationship.

There are times when I text her goodnight or good morning and don't hear back from her. I broke it off with her for a few months because I found out she cheated on me this year, but found out the guy was another control freak and abusive and came back to me to work things out. She tells me not to worry about us, everything is fine and not to doubt her feelings towards me. I just did an intake yesterday to get counselling for myself to help me with my anxiety and emotions with her and to learn how better to deal with her PTSD. It's very difficult when you love and care for someone so much and at times don't really know where you stand with them. I'm just really confused about us at times and I know how she is acting is normal for people with PTSD. I found this forum while reading a book called Shock Waves and thought I'd join and look for some help with you all.

 

[kahlan]

First off good for you for getting your own support with this :)

It is SO VERY confusing at times! The pushing the pulling, then the isolating all after the intensity of the beginning of the relationship. I know even starting to research ptsd very early on in my relationship I seriously misjudged how all this would affect me. Especially when your personal stress rises coincide with them shutting down O.o. My N. has ptsd and tbi so he forgets things and gets confused easily which leads to a lot of typically avoidable drama. I've also experienced dating someone with bipolar in the past and that alone was sftressful enough without the ptsd added to it! Whatever happens though, you've found a great resource here and are taking the right steps to keep yourself in the right place :)

 

[Luigi]

I'm sorry you're in pain over this. It seems to me that counseling for yourself and your anxiety is a great step. You absolutely cannot force somebody with PTSD to come closer, and you can't run somebody else's recovery anywhere but into the ditch. I'll bet big money that she does feel like everything is OK......big part of PTSD is emotional distancing and numbing......but you can feel the distance. It will probably work itself out eventually.....I mean her current patch of distancing....but it would be nice if you had a way to communicate about it.

I struggle with how to talk to my partner about this stuff, and I've got 20 years of therapy and my CPTSD is well managed. Mostly now I just say I'm having a rough day, or I'm not 100%, and that's enough. But sometimes I still have flashbacks and nightmares, and I do need to say more about what's going on just to get it out of my head.....and that's hard for both of us. He doesn't like to picture my abuse, and I don't like to talk about it.

You have two little girls on this emotional roller coaster with you, so it's really important you take care of yourself. In this post you've mentioned PTSD, anxiety, bipolar, chemical issues, cheating and marriage. I never say never, but that's all really rough stuff. Get busy taking care of yourself. You are doing a good thing being here in this forum, there's a lot of great stuff here.

 

[Ron66]

Thank you so much for the responses so far. :)

It's a hard thing to talk about to my friends or other people that don't understand the real effects of PTSD. Some of them tell me to run away from her but I could never do that. I never realized how bad the effects were on this until I started reading more about it. She is so proud of me for taking the steps to learn about her issues in dealing with this. She has even given me a couple books to read on it too.

My heart aches for her the way she feels at times and she has no family here where we live, but she says me and my girls are her family here. She does have 3 girls to her ex-husband that are ages 4, 8 & 9 and they live with him. She does have them every weekend and we try to do something with all 5 girls together when we can. She has also gone back to school which she has been having a hard time concentrating on and has missed quite a few days lately.

She has a hard time being around crowds and loud noises which I try not to take her around that. I've been giving her the alone time she has asked for and she's proud of me for that too. Her new therapist suggested at first that she's not ready for a relationship, then when she told her about me and how understanding, caring and good i have been to her about all this, her therapist said that's the guy you need to be with.

My outlook is positive for us but every day seems to be a different feeling at times. She text me before she went to counselling yesterday and said if you don't hear from me the rest of the day, it's because I'm studying and have a lot of homework to catch up on. I text her goodnight last night and good morning this morning and haven't heard from her yet. I know I will before the day is over and we have plans to spend Saturday night together alone which is the first time in about 7 months. She's not ready for any intimacy yet and feels bad for me about it but I told her when she's ready and the time is right, then it will happen. Yes I have other women that would love to be in my life, but there's just something about this one that i can't let her go. I feel so strong about helping her through all of this and look forward to a healthy loving relationship at some point.

I pray twice a day for God to look after her and help her through this and also to give me the strength to continue helping her and to learn so much more about how to talk to her without her having a flashback. She actually told me last week that I'm too good for her and deserve someone normal that can give me the love and intimacy I deserve. I told her I didn't want anyone else, just you. Like I said, it's very confusing at times but the more I learn about this, the better I can become with communicating to her and knowing when she needs her own time alone. I will be reading more on this site as time allows and it looks like a very good site for good information that I need.

 

[Ron66]

My GF stopped by last evening for a little bit and she's not happy with what her therapist said to her on thursday to the point that she walked out of her office. I have helped out my GF financially in many ways this year, i.e.: had her car fixed to pass inspection, fill her gas tank when she needs gas at times, bought her a bed so she didn't have to sleep on the floor in her apartment and just bought her a winter coat she wanted. Most of the stuff she never asks for I just do it because I know she needs it and don't want her to worry about anymore than she has to.

Her therapist told her to stop accepting things from me and even asked GF is she has to do sexual favors for me to get the stuff. That's when GF blew up and walked out. I do NOT expect anything like that for helping her and never have and never will. My GF knows that and tried to tell the therapist the same thing and therapist just said, I can't believe a man would help you out like that with you having so many issues and not to expect any kind of favors in return. Therapist also said she can't believe someone as good as I am would want to be in a relationship with her. It's been 7 months since we have had any intimacy like that and I know she's not ready for it to begin again yet. I told her when she's ready and the time is is right, then it will happen. Now this therapist has me mad at her and I told GF she needs to find another therapist because this one seems to be putting her down and making her feel worse.

Just a little background on me. I was married almost 18 years until my ex started drinking and doing drugs heavily, staying out all night and lying and cheating on me. I tried to keep it together for 2 years for my girls sake and couldn't do it any longer. I have full custody of my girls and have been raising them alone for the past 5 years. I have coached girls softball for 3 years now, I own a small business in the town we live in, member of the chamber of commerce and help out in the community as much as I can. I am one of those that seem to help others more than myself at times and yes, maybe that's not a good thing to do at times, but I seem to always follow my heart.

I'm a little floored on a post someone made on my introduction post. To say things like that without knowing me, my GF or anything else about what's going on with us except for what I posted on here wasn't fair. I do know people looking in from the outside might be able to see more about what's going on than me being in the middle of it all, but those words kinda hurt me even though some of it might be true.

 

[Snowangel1225]

I'm a little floored on a post someone made on my introduction post.

That was a rough way to get started here. Just remember, this group is composed of individuals trying to help each other. Sometimes we don't say the right things, sometimes we are just plain wrong, but most of the time you will get straight, honest answers and support. It's possible what you said was a trigger for someone or that person was just having a bad day and unfortunately took it out on the wrong person. It's also possible this person was trying to help you by being straight with you. I have done that myself. I feel bad doing it, but sometimes there is nothing better than cold, hard truth.

Thank you for sticking with the group...I doubt if you will regret it. :)

I think you are correct in recommending that your gf find a new therapist. This one obviously is not a good fit for her. Best of luck!

 

[Ron66]

Thank you Snowangel1225! I know maybe the person was just trying to open my eyes to what I'm in for and to protect my girls but it was a little harsh. I will continue to stay on here and post updates as the days go by.

 

[Luigi]

Sounds like it was my response that upset you. I am sorry, it wasn't my intention to be unkind at all. I was trying to encourage you in getting support and taking care of yourself, and remind you (maybe you didn't need reminding) that there are others on this roller coaster, which I sometimes forget with my own girls.

Therapist that insists you could only give for advantage is a crappy therapist, I agree.