Relationship Here I Go Again....

[christine12]

Well the guy that I have been saying for alittle over 3 months and I are still together however we are still at the dating status not relationship because he "cant give me what I deserve right now".

I had a mini break down in front of him yesterday crying and in just pure confusion. He held me and whipped my tears and kissed my forehead and was the sweetest most geniune man. I could see in his face how much it hurt him to see me upset and I could even see how much he looked like he was about to cry with me :( . I asked him to just admit his feelings for me let them out and just tell me, but he says No because what good would it do in the current situation. I also asked did he want me to just give up on him?. His reply I just want you to be happy!. My reply you make me happy so what do I do now.

My question what do I do now? stay ? wait? be patient and if it takes months or longer just wait ? I just dont know what to do, I have fallen for this man and I am not a quiter ..Help

 

[amethist]

Hi Christine

If you can make do with what he has to offer for now, you never know how things will change in the future. he may well give you more, but it could just stay the same as it is now. If you can just be good friends with him and have fun, then go for it. If you definitely want more than what he can give you now, then you may have to let him go and look else where.

It really is a case of being stuck between a rock and hard wall. You will loose out if you stay, and you will be hurt if you leave.

It could take months even years for him to be able to give you more. You have to decide if you can wait forever for something he may never be able to give you.

Take some time to think about it all, then decide in a few days.

 

[christine12]

Thank you Amethist I appreciate your input and your advice, I agree with what your saying feels like I am losing either way. I thought about once just letting it go and remain being friends but I dont know if I can let the feelings go and if I do how will it change me in the process. But I will do some more thinking about these things and Thank you again!

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I just dont know what to do, I have fallen for this man and I am not a quiter ..Help

If this statement is how you feel then you know what to do. Everyone has been giving you great advice. Just be you and draw your lines in the sand. There is little else you can do.

 

[christine12]

@ Ayesha I Thank you and I guess and some ways I did answer my own question. I dont quit but my gracious it most certainly is a hard long road :-( and I dont know if he will allow me to stay.

 

[Wahinekaialii]

Hi, Christine. Funny thing for a lot of us is that three months seem to be the common number here. That is normally when the true personality of a PTSD sufferer comes out. I sympathize with you because I too had that precious three months that meant a whole lot to both him and I. We did fall in love with each other but after that reality sets in and then I become another stressor in his life; the committment, the anxiety, the uncertainty.

Its hard for my guy to admit his feelings now because of the fear of his PTSD and the ill effects that would be passed on to me. I never really understood the anger he had for me but this forum has taught me a lot about his issues and how I needed to take care of myself first.

My guy is at the same stage as yours. He feels because of his illness, he is not good enough for me and is afraid to make a committment. I never asked for a committment. All I want is to spend time with him and walk besides him through his "rough times". He is now seeking new help and revisiting treatments that he refused in the past. He is now at least making an attempt to take responsibility for his life.

It is a hard world but if you really love him, take care of yourself and make sure that you afford him his space and respect his privacy. It is a waiting game and also a mind game for us as the carer. I use to find myself second guessing myself, wondering what I did wrong to trigger his anger, but I actually went to see my own therapist.

Fortunately, she had been on the Board for our local PTSD Group and that helped a lot.
Wishing you the best. Hang in there girl and stay strong for both him and especially you.

 

[MissMacD]

3 months into our relationship I totally fell apart and now three years later I am finally getting into the therapy that I need to get to a functional state. Relationships and having PTSD can be really taxing and trust me I have paid my dues.

My guy has stuck by my side throughout all of my antics and meltdowns and drama and for that he is a keeper. He has seen me at my worst and if your partner can't handle you at your worst (in the words of Marilyn Monroe) they certainly don't deserve you at your best.

If a relationship cannot give you the stability you need it isn't worth it.

 

[christine12]

@ Wahinekaialii, I appreciate your words and sharing your story with me it truly enlightens me that I am not alone and that there are other people out here going throu the same thing as me. I want so much to be here for him and trust me when I say I am always available anytime of the day if he wants to text, call or even meet up and spend sometime together. I really have to get on the track that it is not about me and that it is okay and that I need to focus on me and my well being and health. Thank you again I hope you keep heading forward with your guy and I wish you the best of luck.

@ MissMacD I am glad that you have such a supportive person in your life and that they have stuck by you thru everything ou have went thru sofar I wish you both the best of luck and health

 

[MissMacD]

@ Wahinekaialii all of my relationships before my current one ended within 3 months because it was too much for me.

@christine12 I went through the same stuff you went through fresh into all of my relationships even my current one. It is essential to focus on yourself and keep yourself healthy. It is good to be unavailable sometimes because it allows you to be independent of your relationship - I struggled with this so badly in the start of my relationship with my current boyfriend but it did get better over time. Checking my phone 100 times a day to see if he contacted me was tiring so I planned things to do when we weren't together. I am available for my boyfriend if he needs anything but I won't drop everything I am doing just because he wants me to.

 

[Wahinekaialii]

@Christine I was like you at the beginning. I always made sure that I would be there to answer his phone calls, reply to his text messages, etc. I didn't want him to feel that I wasn't there when he needed me. He would often go into his "alone time" and I wouldn't hear from him for days. Then, I would worry and text him and ask if he was okay. He would reply maybe the next day and then I wouldn't hear from him again. After awhile I stopped even asking him if he was okay. After several days he would call on the phone and apologize for not contacting me and I would tell him that's okay, because I understands that he needs his "quiet time".

It was hard for me to not contact him because I am a worrywart and I love him so much; but, I felt he needed to be sensitive to my feelings too. Now he is more aware of my feelings alongside of his problems and it really seems to be working out better for the both of us. He still does not want to spent time with me physically because this is another stressor to him. In addition to his PTSD, anxiety attacks, fear of committment, I feel for now, I am fine with the ways things are. I have always told him that I do not want to be a stressor in his life and I will be here when he needs me.

Its a hard road but one worth traveling if you are a strong person and your own person. Love yourself first so you can offer the love and support to your man. Good Luck!