Sufferer Hi All!

[Photodude]

I've been going through EMDR therapy for about 4 months. I've lived all my life feeling disconnected from peers and the world. Not cut off from the world, as I have a very active lifestyle, but mostly feeling that I don't belong anywhere. I feel like the spoon that tries to taste the soup but can't. Through out my life I've tried various therapist, but most of them have focused on 'talk' therapy and that hasn't produced any result. I can talk about my issues, but I can't feel them, it seems. I'm emotionally numb. Luckily I found this T who worked with EMDR. at the beginning I was very skeptical, but manage to turn my skepticism into cautious hope, because in my first session I felt immediate results. Small things, but enough to make me think that this might actually work. I was happy and afraid at the same time. Yes, it seems that this 'thing' that I've been feeling might a solution but at the same time I was worried as to what I was going discover. After almost 4 months of EMDR therapy, I'm more intrigued than ever but a bit confused. Allow me to explain, so far, my reactions to the therapy has been purely physical with almost no emotion or memories associated with it. My body seems to experience stages, in which, one after the other, the neck, then hands, sometimes the stomach would tense up. Then everything would stop, to start all over again a few mins later. It's like waves of 'reactions' In more recent sessions I would breath in very deeply and hold my breath while my whole body gets very tense. In some occasions I've felt that I'm about to faint, but not sure if, I had allow it I would actually fainted. During those events I would get scared and stop the whole thing. I'm left in a very fragile state. Sometimes I a pain in the pit of my stomach. I don't actually feel the pain, but somehow I know it's there...Then I would feel waves of nausea, although no vomiting so far. And even more recently I have experienced as if my body wanted to expel something through my mouth...as if I wanted to say something but not sure what. I would make sounds as if something was hurting...but I wouldn't feel anything associated to the memories that we were using as targets. (these memories were like movie scenes. I could watch them, but didn't feel the pain associated with them. These reactions are things that I don't control, nor they control me. I let my body and my mind go and then this happens. It is interesting, but at the same time disconcerting because nor my therapist nor I know for certain what is happening. Although I feel safe all the time and trust my therapist in this process of exploration I'm more interested in knowing more about what is happening, and finding other people that might have had the same experiences. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

 

[Deleted member 20280]

I wish you every success in your therapy mate, unfortunatelly for me EMDR was over effective in unlocking trauma memories from my unconcious mind, I literally went into emotional overload. It is a great and successful therapy for a lot of peopl, remembering that not all medications, just like not all therapies are effective for everyone.

Welcome to the forum and I send a UK:hug: if you accept it

Laurie

 

[Chava]

I've lived all my life feeling disconnected from peers and the world. Not cut off from the world, as I have a very active lifestyle, but mostly feeling that I don't belong anywhere. I feel like the spoon that tries to taste the soup but can't.

WHOA. I can't say I like that but I love how you said this because it explains my experience very well.

I can talk about my issues, but I can't feel them, it seems. I'm emotionally numb.

I relate to that as well. I'm like a robot when talking sometimes. I do objective and far-away from myself very well. I'm doing body psychotherapy which helps me stay more connected but also involves less talk. I don't have full or clear memories of the major traumas because I was too young or unconscious for worst of it, so EMDR would not work well for me but it's good to hear you've found something you feel hopeful about.

My main symptoms are somatic and my memories are expressed mostly as body memories and they feel very stubborn because for me that is also disjointed....like I don't always have feelings/emotions with them and not usually clear picture-like memories. I can experience a lot of physical pain with numb or totally confusing emotions. There are definitely pieces that are trying to integrate. But I still think this is better than being all in my head or existing somewhere outside of my body. Once in a while I hit on an experience that makes me very sad. And even if there isn't a clear memory or cognitive piece, it feels complete...the body feeling/memory, the sadness, and being able to cry. Weird silent and perfectly still crying, but sometimes a good bucket of tears. So some parts are coming together. It's slow though. When I think I'm getting somewhere it's like I just realize there is some deeper layer. In a way, that's great because I would NOT have tolerated trying to pull it all together at once. It feels disjointed at times, but it's mostly manageable.

Are you able to do anything with the body sensations, like cough or cough up the sick feeling? It could be good that you are feeling these body sensations since it sounds like they are sort of shut down (like the pain thing). If it's speech related, that's understandably hard. Our language areas of the brain actually shut down in trauma...and when I'm re-experiencing some part of something it is extremely hard to put to speak. Sometimes I can put things into words later and share with my therapist.

Welcome!

 

[intothelight]

@Photodude Welcome to the forum!

You may want to spend some time reading threads dealing with EMDR in the therapy section. I hope you find the information and support here helpful,

 

[Photodude]

Thanks @intothelight I will definitively will do that!

 

[Photodude]

I wish you every success in your therapy mate, unfortunatelly for me EMDR was over effective in unlocking trauma memories from my unconcious mind, I literally went into emotional overload.

Thanks for such a nice welcome and sorry to read about your experience with EMDR. Hope you're finding the therapy that is right for you.

 

[DarkSideOfTheSoul]

Welcome @Photodude :)