Today is such a bad day. I feel so low, so empty, so hopeless.
My boy means everything to me. I love him so much. It is him who pulls me through everything, even when I feel numb.
I feel cheated in life.Maybe I deserve it all? But I feel as if things were and are out of my hands.
I had a life, a wonderful wife who I loved so much. Nothing was perfect, but I was so happy. I have been with this wonderful lady for the past 25 years. 11 years ago my dad passed away and I guess that is when my mental health problems began to get worse. I had by this point no idea had had any conditions. I knew I was a bit odd but had no idea how serious it all was. Our boy was born in 2010 and within 18 months it was clear something was not as it should be. He was diagnosed ASD and I guess I slipped downhill from then on? I worried so much about what his life will be like. Will he be picked on etc. It was all so hard. His needs took over our lives and rightly so. We took ever course and learned all that we could to help our boy (by the way he is doing great). I have no idea why? but I began to gamble online. Betting more than we could afford for around 18 months. It was only when being found out that I was able to stop. I felt a huge relief to be found out even though it caused tons of problems. I was admitted by the crisis team as things became worse in my mind. They diagnosed sever thought based OCD. I had CBT and it explained a lot to me and gave me, finally, some understanding of what my mind was doing. I had no desire to gamble, I hated it. My wife had lost trust for me but we carried on. Things were difficult yet we went about it all. A few other problems popped up and we overcame them. We talked less and I guess we got into a rut. But I still loved her so much. I June this year I was at home when I heard a noise upstairs. I ran up and found my wife having a fit on the bed. I had to force open her jaw and remove the sick. She took a huge breath then flopped. It was a cardiac arrest and thankfully I knew what to do. I gave CPR until medics arrived. Then it was a waiting game. They said she may die. She was also worked on for over 1 hour and they told us to expect brain damage. It felt at times as if I was mourning her. 4 days after her attack I gave up cigarettes. I was stressed yet stopped smoking? I sat in the ICU with her of a day, looked after our boy until he went to bed of an evening, then I would fall apart as I sat alone at home. I was terrified for her. I could not sleep as I kept seeing her face when she first flopped on that bed. I started to drink to sleep but that never worked. I was surviving on no sleep, hardly any food, and it was madness. One night I flicked through the internet and saw an advert for a Bingo site. Like an idiot I clicked on it and there I was hooked again.
My wife got better and made an amazing recovery. No brain damage at all. However, this idiot was gambling again. In September it was discovered and I stopped. I sought counseling and it has done me the world of good. It has led to my diagnosis of CPTSD (They were thinking Bipolar at first) They say that I turn to gambling to escape reality when I am highly stressed. Of course,my marriage is over and I can do nothing to save it. I understand that the trust has gone and cannot blame her for it at all. I can understand her hurt and I fell ashamed of what I have put her and our family through. They say I need to see the outcome of my actions to learn what I am causing. If I am exposed to them I can get through them. They tell me that with Trauma Therapy I can start to heal my mind and live as normal as can be, and that includes losing the gambling and coping with stress. I have social issues and these also need addressing.My self-esteem is basically nothing and this needs building up. My condition gives me suicidal thoughts every day and while I am not going to act on them I hate the feeling they give me. I also hate the emptiness and loneliness that I get even when I am in a room full of friends. I want to heal, I want to feel better. I cannot blame my conditions for things that I do, yes they are a part of me, but I cannot just say they cause me to do things.I have to accept my own actions as well and work towards my future. But it is hard to take it all, why was none of this picked up.I had no idea how serious my mental health was. This has ruined all kinds, including my marriage. My wife has had enough and who can blame her.Nothing I can say or do can change anything. I just get more buried in my hate for my own mind. I love my wife, I miss her and our life. I cannot force her to ever want me, I know my actions caused all of this, I know my conditions are not excuses for my wife, but they did not help me and made me worse. I cannot help loving her so much. Tomorrow I will carry on. Everything is so hard, but that little boy is worth everything.
Sorry for the rant. Thanks for listening
