Hi - I'm Looking For A Place To Belong. I'm 50 And 8 Months Ago I Could No Longer Hold It Together.

[littlelostchild]

I was a 'successful' woman who had managed to keep all of the abuse tucked away in a very well hidden and well locked steel case which exploded about 8 months ago. Anyone who knew me (outside of my husband and a close friend) would be shocked to know that I am the author of this. But I mysteriously disappeared from my successful/powerful career (migraines) as all of my coping skills shut down all at the same time.

Since then I have beeen scared shitless and on this hellish journey into a person I don't recognize and fear. I don't understand what is happening to me, who I am and I blame myself for the abuse.

I figure it started when I was about 5 years old - my dad, grandpa and uncle all had a go at various times. The rapes stopped when I was around 9 or 10, but dad then started these random sneak attacks where he would hide and jump out and grab my breasts from behind me. This went on until I finally put a kitchen chair between him and me in the kitchen one day when I think I was about 17 or so and told him to stop - and mom was in the room. Dad and my uncle made jokes about my breasts even when I didn't have any - and I would laugh along with them. I have a remendous amount of shame feeling that the sexual assaults were my fault. How could 3 different people all choose to assault me if I wasn't doing something to encourage it? 3 different men? Come on - did I give off a vibe? I know that logically it makes no sense and I am working with a psychiatrist on this (cognative reconstruction, using the evidence technique) but is is a really slow go. Maybe hearing from others and reading your stories will help me to understand that I am not alone or the only one who feels this way.
I had wanted to take my life back in May and didn't because my adult children and husband would have been too hurt. I still sometimes want to take my life and they are still my reason for going on. My hope is that some day I will want to go on for mysef. Do people get to that point? Does it get better? Easier? Will I ever feel like a human being again? I feel like crap right now.

 

[cherryblossom]

Sorry, I'm short on time, so for now I just want to say welcome to the forum :wave:

 

[therapybankrupt]

I was a 'successful' woman who had managed to keep all of the abuse tucked away in a very well hidden and well locked steel case which exploded about 8 months ago.

Welcome little

I recall those very similar words! You are not alone. After the stuff is buried so long it just starts to seep out. I am sorry you are having to experience this.

]Since then I have been scared shitless and on this hellish journey into a person I don't recognize and fear. I don't understand what is happening to me, who I am and I blame myself for the abuse..

None of this is your fault but a lot of awful feelings and symptoms come out because of the abuse. We have a wiki here that I found helpful. It explains the disorder and the options for treatments. I spent to much time in talk therapy. So I would recommend a trauma therapist if you have been diagnosed with PTSD.

I had wanted to take my life back in May and didn't because my adult children and husband would have been too hurt. I still sometimes want to take my life and they are still my reason for going on. My hope is that some day I will want to go on for myself. Do people get to that point? Does it get better? Easier? Will I ever feel like a human being again? I feel like crap right now.

I can say for my self that it was a real dark time in my life when I went through suicidal ideation and attempts. Yes it gets easier if you get the help you need. You have some work to do as it wasn't yesterday when the abuse and abnormal coping began. So be patient and kind to yourself. This forum can help so stay and look around.

Tb

 

[therapybankrupt]

Little

I mentioned the wiki. It is on the PSTD Forum a sister site to this one. I go on both because I find the other site to be busier and this one more intimate. I did not know what was going on with me either until I got the diagnosis PSTD. It all clicks for me now. Gentle Hugs if I can.

Tb

 

[Lucycat]

I was a 'successful' woman who had managed to keep all of the abuse tucked away in a very well hidden and well locked steel case which exploded about 8 months ago.

I remember just how that feels. I had kept everything from my childhood safely tucked away until I also 'exploded'. That was 3 years ago now, and I am 48.

You don't mention whether you are getting professional help with all this. There is help available, and I for one know I would not still be here without that support.

It is incredibly hard to suddenly face all that has spewed out of the baggage you were carrying. A bit like a pressure cooker firing of its lid. You can never shove the lid back on and re-contain all the contents. However now is the time to 'clear p the mess'. In therapy you can process all the horrendous memories. It does not take them away but does make it easier to deal with.

I feel for you. I remember how bad I felt, but I also know that the only way is up. You will start to feel better and move on with this. Do you have a diagnosis of PTSD? It certainly would not surprise me, but you do need to get this properly diagnosed if you too suspect this is the case.

You are a strong person even if you do not feel like it at the moment. You have coped for many years. You, by your own admission had a successful career. You have managed all this in spite of your history. Be proud of yourself and your achievements.

Welcome to the forum!

 

[littlelostchild]

Thanks Brucielucy - it is reassuring to hear from someone with a similar experience. Yes, I have a PTSD diagnosis, working with a psychiatrist once a week, and I am sorting out meds. About 12 years ago I went on Paxil for anxiety (prescribed by my GP) and found it life changing. I couldn't believe that people felt that way - not constantly anxious and vigilant. That should have been a big red flag that I needed some therapy - I had ended up in hospital with a heart issue brought on by a panic attack, but the meds were such a miracle and made life so livable at the time. In May, still on the Paxil, it didn't matter - the case exploded! I have tried Prestique - not great, and I've been on Zoloft now for a week. It's hard to tell yet, but I take it as a good sign that I don't want to rip my head off. I thank God that my husband is a really great guy. I don't want to live with me right now, but he is here for me.

 

[littlelostchild]

Sorry, I'm short on time, so for now I just want to say welcome to the forum :wave:

Thanks - everyone has been so great!

 

[littlelostchild]

Little

I mentioned the wiki. It is on the PSTD Forum a sister site to this one. I go on both because I find the other site to be busier and this one more intimate. I did not know what was going on with me either until I got the diagnosis PSTD. It all clicks for me now. Gentle Hugs if I can.

Tb

Thanks so much - I have been visiting the wiki and it is also great. I am so glad I joined.