Havaneselover
New Here
Hi everyone.
I am 22 years old, and I have only been diagnosed with PTSD 4 months ago. I married young at 21, and this all started when 6 months into my marriage I walked in on my husband masterbating and viewing pornography. Over the next few weeks after this, I found out my husband had a debilitating sexual and pornography addiction. We originally started going to couples therapy together, but because of the huge trigger that was the deceit/lying and pornography/sexualization of women was for me, I completely shut down. I stopped eating, showering, going to work, I would stay in my room for days at a time, I could not be around people, and I was afraid and anxious all the time. From our therapist suggestion, I started doing EMDR right away, but I somewhat accidentally reprocessed an extremely suppressed and traumatic memory from when I was around 3 years old (sexual abuse by a family member who is now deceased). I have been a complete shell of a person that I once was since then. I am in therapy, I go twice a week and most days I have to take a Xanax just to feel normal. My marriage is hanging by a thread, my husband is still struggling with his addiction and I am constantly triggered by him (we don't even sleep in the same bed anymore).
As far as my background before this, I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional home where my father was physically, emotionally, and eventually in my teen years sexualy abusive. While my mother was neglectful and eventually when I was a teenager abandoned me and sent me to live alone with my abusive father for high school (which led to my father being able to sexualy abuse me when we were home alone) Because of my upbringing, I was originally diagnosed with ADHD at age 8, chronic unexplainable stomach pain at age 10, bulimia at age 13, and eventually major depression at 15. I also developed trichotillomania at age 16 when my Mom abandoned me, and this has been a constant battle for me for the past 4 years. However, once I was educated and diagnosed with PTSD everything fell into place and I could see that all of my past diagnosis were just symptoms of my PTSD.
To be honest, I do want to give up most days. Sometimes I will sit on my bathroom floor with a razor to my wrist, and I just want to disappear but I am too scared to actually do anything. I feel I would be better off to just end it and so my husband can finally be happy and not held back by me, and I will never have to face my family again. I am extremely alone, and I feel like everyone who I love eventually hurts me and puts me through a new trauma. I don't even feel safe with my husband, who I always thought would be the one person I know that I can count on .I feel like a broken person beyond repair, and I am getting tired of trying to win this fight.
I hope that this didn't trigger anyone, if it did I am extremely sorry.
I am 22 years old, and I have only been diagnosed with PTSD 4 months ago. I married young at 21, and this all started when 6 months into my marriage I walked in on my husband masterbating and viewing pornography. Over the next few weeks after this, I found out my husband had a debilitating sexual and pornography addiction. We originally started going to couples therapy together, but because of the huge trigger that was the deceit/lying and pornography/sexualization of women was for me, I completely shut down. I stopped eating, showering, going to work, I would stay in my room for days at a time, I could not be around people, and I was afraid and anxious all the time. From our therapist suggestion, I started doing EMDR right away, but I somewhat accidentally reprocessed an extremely suppressed and traumatic memory from when I was around 3 years old (sexual abuse by a family member who is now deceased). I have been a complete shell of a person that I once was since then. I am in therapy, I go twice a week and most days I have to take a Xanax just to feel normal. My marriage is hanging by a thread, my husband is still struggling with his addiction and I am constantly triggered by him (we don't even sleep in the same bed anymore).
As far as my background before this, I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional home where my father was physically, emotionally, and eventually in my teen years sexualy abusive. While my mother was neglectful and eventually when I was a teenager abandoned me and sent me to live alone with my abusive father for high school (which led to my father being able to sexualy abuse me when we were home alone) Because of my upbringing, I was originally diagnosed with ADHD at age 8, chronic unexplainable stomach pain at age 10, bulimia at age 13, and eventually major depression at 15. I also developed trichotillomania at age 16 when my Mom abandoned me, and this has been a constant battle for me for the past 4 years. However, once I was educated and diagnosed with PTSD everything fell into place and I could see that all of my past diagnosis were just symptoms of my PTSD.
To be honest, I do want to give up most days. Sometimes I will sit on my bathroom floor with a razor to my wrist, and I just want to disappear but I am too scared to actually do anything. I feel I would be better off to just end it and so my husband can finally be happy and not held back by me, and I will never have to face my family again. I am extremely alone, and I feel like everyone who I love eventually hurts me and puts me through a new trauma. I don't even feel safe with my husband, who I always thought would be the one person I know that I can count on .I feel like a broken person beyond repair, and I am getting tired of trying to win this fight.
I hope that this didn't trigger anyone, if it did I am extremely sorry.
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