Sufferer Hi

[VikVikViktorious]

I was just diagnosed in Tuesday. I don't want to believe this will last forever, that thought makes me want to kill myself.

I'm 30. My "uncle" (no blood relation, moms best friend) started molesting me at age 18. It happened very gradually and I am very ashamed that I allowed it to happen considering I was technically an adult.

He would have me over for cool kayaking trips and whatnot, then after a nice meal and a nap he would wake me up with a massage. Was kinda weird but I let it slide. Then he would insist I remove my boxers because why not. I would resist but for reasons of trying to not make it awkward I allowed it. Then when he would flip me over I couldn't help but get a very uncomfortable erection that he would just seemingly not purposely rub a little bit as he massaged my thighs.

I would think to myself "omg he's totally jacking me off right now" but then I'd think "but no he's not gay I don't think and plus I can't tell mom so whatever etc etc." very confusing.

This went on for a good 10 years because he brainwashed me into thinking it wasn't so bad plus he would give me $$ anytime we saw each other and everyone knew I had this cool uncle that would buy me shit and take me places and support me.

Anyway, at age 25 I got married and had a kid but I just couldn't seem to have a happy marriage. I was so addicted to taking naps, pot, and gambling and drinking.

I couldn't hold my job. But I was still happy in a sense with all my addictions and of course my wife ended up leaving me and I didn't really care because it would give me more time to gamble and smoke etc.

My family and friends would loan me money for rent and I was able to get by. Then after 4 years of unemployment I finally got a job, and that's where I just realized holy crap I am not like everybody else. Why aren't I dating? Why am I so addicted to strip clubs? Why can't I just enjoy lunch with my coworkers like everyone else?

I started to stop seeing friends. I just wanted to hide in my bedroom. My head would throb. I felt guilty and helpless. I finally started seeing a therapist and after just 2 sessions she said you experienced some serious trauma and only now have the effects really came to attention.

I don't feel anything. No happiness when seeing friends, no fatigue before going to bed, no refreshed when I wake up. Just completely removed, like there is a box around my brain keeping me from feeling anything. I feel like there is no point in living because all I feel is a constant head ache and I can't take care of myself or perform simple tasks like dishes, laundry, registration renewal, etc.

I feel bad for ever judging people with mental disabilities and assuming they are just "leeching off the govt." my brain is forever damaged and I feel so bad for myself because I feel like I can't even explain this to my friends and they won't/can't understand why I can't just sit and play video games and laugh and drink beer like the rest of them. I just want to crawl into a hole and die.

 

[EveHarrington]

Hi and welcome to the forum. :)

I'm glad you've reached out to us here. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

 

[ladee]

Glad you are here @Notsurewhoiam , and very proud that you posted. It is hard to step out and let others know what is going on with us...
Your thinking and perception is damaged. But hopefully not your brain. And yes, this was trauma... didn't matter if yu were 18 or not... you will work it out.
So many people here with situations like yours. Many men who will relate on some level and being very proud that you shared..
Hope you continue to come here, see your T, do the hard work and know that you are not alone....
This is a very healing community, again, glad you are here.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

Hi, welcome to the forum.
I'm so sorry this happened toyou and that you're struggling just now.

I know it's hard right now, it's a really good thing that you're in therapy. It's really dificult to come to terms with what happened to you as well as the diagnoses.

It takes time to heal. learning coping stratagies is a good place to start that's what I would do if I knew what I know now.

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to the forum! :)

 

[joeylittle]

@Notsurewhoiam - welcome. A diagnosis is a big thing to take in - but hopefully, as you continue to work on processing the trauma, you'll begin to get some relief from your symptoms. And you're right, it can be strange to talk to people in our daily lives about something so difficult to understand ourselves. But, you found the site - hopefully, sharing with others who have PTSD will help you, too.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Welcome to the forums :hug: I hope this place helps you. It's very useful because of the bulk amount of people who feel similar and understand. There is a lot of advice and support to be found here :) I hope that this amazing community helps you as much as it helped me, reading all the similar stories, and learning a lot along the way. Hugs if you accept :hug:

 

[VikVikViktorious]

Thanks guys, and sorry about the details or some of my choice of words. I realize that could be offensive to some.

I'm wondering, what are some good lines of work for people with PTSD? Currently I'm a recruiter - but this will certainly not last long. My job is dependant on having casual conversations and pushing people into taking jobs- and both of those things are extremely difficult for me right now. I can't even sit with my buddies and chit chat- let alone do it with a stranger on the phone.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@Notsurewhoiam

Well, it's not necessarily specific lines of work, it's just a bit of adaptation of the work place. Reducing stress generally and reducing triggering contents.

So basically, yea, this sort of job is probably quite stressful for you, but I know that people like that seem to function better at sorta knitty problem solving jobs and stuff that is generally calming that way. So, basically, anything that doesn't have much change in short time, that isn't much dealing with emotions. I can think of programming, sewing, playing instruments as a job up to whatever similar