Hi

[nomedic1]

For the last seventeen years I have been living a self imposed sentence for what I call murder. I unlike most people on this forum fought in an unjust war for a government set on killing its fellow countrymen.

I was part of the military that did this, I was a operational medic and through events not entirely under my control got myself in a situation whereby i shot a man. He fired first and it was only by his lack of training and possibly blind luck that i was not killed. From that day on I have not been able to come to terms with that incident there are other reasons but this is the main one. I took a life and as a medic that should not have happened. I have spent these past seventeen years trying to make up for that day, trying to save as many people as I can. When I cant save them they join the list, I have put myself in the most dangerous situations possible to try and prove something. I am finally dealing with this situation but now I wonder who the hell am I, am i some kind of puppet driven by guilt,shame and anger or do I have purpose.

 

[Jimmy1]

Firstly, welcome to the forum mate.

In my opinion, you are a medic and you should give credit to yourself for all the lives you have saved or made a difference in.

I look at it like this. If you had not shot and killed that man, he would have killed you, and then you would not have been able to save anyone from that point on.

It does not matter what army or force you served in. When it comes down to it, all war effects everyone.

Have a Merry Christmas mate.

Jimmy

 

[nomedic1]

Thanks Jimmy appreciate that.

Have a Merry Christmas too.

 

[nomedic1]

It's been a long time since I've posted, I have had my ups and downs but I am in a better place, I am alone which hurts but is probably best for me, I hope everyone is well

 

[vikingr24]

We're still driving I guess. Welcome back.

 

[BaMuoiBa]

There is always a light on here for you!

 

[Kaishi]

Welcome back, glad to see you're still with us.

 

[Spock]

Thanks for checking back in. Always good to hear people are moving forward and finding a path. Obviously I never saw your first post since it was from 5 years ago but murder is a bit strong. A major issue was nearly all of us have very real empathy. Many scientists, much smarter than me believe that the more empathy we have the more exposed we are to the realities of war. This has been a reality since ancient times. Humans usually have strong reactions to war. A good friend of mine ran across some literature that suggests we would probably be doing a little better in a society that had a higher percentage of people exposed to the war which would make our issues would be more common. Maybe we feel "sicker" being exposed to a majority of society that is actually "sick" in the manner they shun or judge us. Just some random thoughts...best luck to you medic

 

[Deleted member 33437]

Hi nomedic1,
Revamping this intro as it hit home big time.
I once made the mistake to lie to one of my patient. It was not intended to be a lie, I truly believed he would pull through but he didn't. So the last voice and the last words he heard were mine telling him he was going to be alright. I'm living with the could've, should've, would've.
I was one of those that couldn't keep it neutral, I was too human. Their pain was my pain, their tears were also mine. I held their hands at the first chance I had, I needed to as much as they did. I felt it all and it was just a matter of time before I worked myself to a burnout. 12 beautiful years and 2 tours in Afghanistan later, here I am today.
Would I do it over again, f*ck yeah, in a heartbeat.
I've notice a lot of the ppl on here lost it all or next to it, I sure hope it won't be my case. I'm 1.5yrs in active treatment on a weekly basis but coming to 10yrs since my first tour.
Nice to meet you, seem to be a lot of medics on here.
Cheers

 

[Chin Strapped]

Hi nomedic1,
Revamping this intro as it hit home big time.
I once made the mistake to lie to one of my patient. It was not intended to be a lie, I truly believed he would pull through but he didn't. So the last voice and the last words he heard were mine telling him he was going to be alright. I'm living with the could've, should've, would've.
I was one of those that couldn't keep it neutral, I was too human. Their pain was my pain, their tears were also mine. I held their hands at the first chance I had, I needed to as much as they did. I felt it all and it was just a matter of time before I worked myself to a burnout. 12 beautiful years and 2 tours in Afghanistan later, here I am today.
Would I do it over again, f*ck yeah, in a heartbeat.
I've notice a lot of the ppl on here lost it all or next to it, I sure hope it won't be my case. I'm 1.5yrs in active treatment on a weekly basis but coming to 10yrs since my first tour.
Nice to meet you, seem to be a lot of medics on here.

Yeah medic here. I remember telling a bloke his mate was 'gone', I worked on him and loaded him into the chopper, but there wasn't much of him to work on. I wish I never said that to his mate, I nearly got smacked in the head. But I was doing my job. Just like you were in telling a patient it will be alright. Shit circumstances, you did your job in combat. That ain't easy, I know.

I know we all experience guilt to some degree for whatever reason, but f*ck me, it's a medics right to feel guilt.