Hidden Memories???

[nic]

So although I have had a few rough experiences during my childhood, my PTSD stems from sexual assault during my teen years. However, my current psychiatrist (as well as a few past ones) tend to hint that I was sexually abused as a child.

When I was young (between ages 5-8 or so), I had a step-father who was very physically abusive towards my mom and emotionally abusive towards everyone else. He was a real sick bastard, but I have NO MEMORY of ANY childhood sexual abuse. I do have some troubling memories from that time period, (which I haven't told ANYONE about, and I would rather not share), but I feel like I am the type of person who would NOT forget something like that if it did happen. After all, I have lots of memories from my early childhood, and I remember every important life event--even as far back as 2 years old!

That being said, I see the psychiatrist tomorrow, and I'm afraid that he's going to continue to ask probing questions about my step-father, and just thinking about it makes me (physically and emotionally) sick. I want to convince him that I was NOT sexually abused as a child, but (as someone who used to study childhood abuse), I know that every memory I DO have about that time period DOES point toward sexual abuse. I am 99% sure that NOTHING of the sort ever happened, and I don't want the idea put into my head, causing me greater anxiety; after all, I have enough crap to deal with as is.

WHAT SHOULD I DO??? :dontknow:

 

[Grama-Herc]

Nic

No one can tell you what to do. You already know what you need to do.

But as someone who is just now beginning to recall my entire life, I can tell you that the mind is a very complex piece of our being. It is also very smart and knows what we can handle and what we can't. There is trauma in m y past and I have no clue what it is and that in itself is disturbing.

You have the chance to find out the truth, learn to deal with it and put it behind you. I would give anything if I could do that.

You do not need us to tell you. You know. Talk to the counselor and begin the healing process. It will be easier that you think. Painful yes but worth it.

So there is MHO(my humble opinion) Good Luck

 

[nic]

Thanks, Grama-Herc, but I really don't think I was abused. I know you (and others, including my shrinks,) probably just think I'm in denial, but I remember a LOT from that period of my life, and while my step-dad was a sick man who did many horrible things to others, I really don't think he did anything (pysically or sexually) to me.

 

[kers]

It sounds like you want some ideas for how to establish a boundary so the psychiatrist does not persist in asking about abuse when you not only can't confirm it, but deny it. I understand, as I have been asked with some frequency about sexual abuse, but I believe nothing of that kind happened.

Can you say, "I was never abused in _____ way by _______." That's it, short and simple. You might add clarification: "I understand that my symptoms and memories may indicate possible sexual abuse, but I do not recall anything and I'd like to proceeed under that assumption."

 

[Cindy]

I did not remember my childhood sexual abuse for 34 years. I had an abusive marraige and following the divorce had several boughts of depression and became anorexic. The trigger to my memories was on an intake interview for the treatment of anorexia. It blew me away for several years during counselling. Today I still have intense flashbacks and many conflicting emotions. If the pattern is there follow your instincts. Obviously you are reluctant to pursue these ideas, that alone may be an indicator that there is more there behind the smoke and mirrors.

 

[Awakening]

Nic & Kers, I'm a bit confused. I'm surprised that a psychologist and/or psychiartist would ever suggest sexual abuse (whether it did or did not). Isn't that leading?

I wasn't aware there were any 'classic' symptoms of abuse. My understanding is that symptoms can be put down to childhood sexual abuse but also a number of other things; anxiety, a subsequent sexual assault, deprivation in childhood.

Even if your psych genuinely believes you were abused I'm suprised they would suggest this to you, I'd expect they might ask some gentle probing questions but to suggest it?

I can understand why you'd be frustrated & confused by this.

I agree with Kers, set some boundaries. If you don't believe anything happened then simply state what you've said in your post. You do have some troubling memories but at this stage in your life you don't believe it was abuse. That you don't want to go down that track again and you'd rather concentrate on what you do know.

 

[kers]

Awakening, my counselor didn't suggest abuse (in that he led me to believe it happened), but after a year and a half of counseling, what he said was that the physical abuse had a sadistic quality and he wondered if there had been sexual abuse as well, as that is often the case, particularly because I have some strong triggers related to sex and sexuality. Perhaps this is similar to what nic is describing as well.

 

[Grama-Herc]

Nic

I am sorry you felt any negative feelings from my post. I don't think denial has anything to do with it.

In a nut shell, going throught therapy is painful and extremely emotional. Try to put together the very difficult puzzle of our mind. That is not an easy job. Our T.have to dig in many places to find out the true issues. Just talk to him. We all had stuff we did not want to tell our T>

 

[nic]

Ok, I am total chicken-shit...I just told my current psychiatrist that I don't see the need for therapy right now. I will see him in a month--meds and such--but I'm just not good at talking about truma. (That's why I like this; writng is so much easier.) He didn't bring up childhood "stuff" today, and I was thankful of that. We have been talking about doing CBT/exposure therapy, but he even said that now may not be a good time, (as I haven't exactly been 100% stable this past month). Oh well, may I live in Egypt, right on the banks of de-nial. (LOL)

 

[Awakening]

Oh well, may I live in Egypt, right on the banks of de-nial. (LOL)

Hey that's my favourite camping spot, I'll look out for you:wink:

 

[mgrogan4]

Hi, I'm new to this site and am glad I found it. i've been dealing with "PTSD'' for six years and I have been seeing a therapist for three and in all that time I have memories that I am not sure that they are real. I'm just really starting to remember what a living hell my childhood was and there are things that are coming back to me that I try to deny or say that it wasn't real. sorry for rambling, what I wanted to say is go slow there may be nothing or there could be something to it. may you be able to look on the past with stillness of mind and soul.