Creating a facade (a false self) to survive trauma VS the true self that's hidden underneath

[Friday]

I very much doubt my own story would help you… as I didn’t create a false self in trauma. I shattered. Everything true? BROKE. So I did what I could with what was left. Which became a different kind of true. in the same way that a shattered windowpane can become a stained glass mural, or a broken mirror a disco ball. Just because a thing becomes broken? Doesn’t mean it’s useless, nor ugly. Broken things can become both useful & beautiful. Or not. But both states? Are real. Not masks. Not one thing hiding beneath another, but a changed thing.

 

[Ecdysis]

Even if it's a different experience and narrative @Friday I think it's a helpful aspect/ perspective. Thank you.
Feel free to add to it, if you feel comfortable doing so.

 

[Maisie]

Hello @Ecdysis

I was just thinking about this exact topic tonight and I thought I’d jump in here and see if anyone else has experienced this too.

Throughout my childhood growing up in my family of origin (my trauma is encased in this period of my life) it was HEAVILY enforced that we appeared perfect on the outside. My mother insisted that we always appeared ‘together’ and that nothing was wrong!

This was further enforced after I revealed to my parents about the abuse I had been subjected to for over 5 years.

I always called it ‘Playing happy families’

When I disconnected from any further interaction / communication with my abuser, I personally declared that I was done with playing happy families.

I’m in a difficult phase of my mental illnesses at the moment, and today I think I realised that, that well trodden path of putting forward the presentation that life in rosy is still a frequent path. I think I’ve been putting on the mask of ‘all is okay’ to my husband and children as well as my medical team. I’m not exactly sure how I solve this other than trying to be as honest as I can and explain what is really going on!

I’m going to read back through the posts and see what other ideas people have shared.

 

[DSkyler]

I know I discovered then idea of false self through Alice Miller’s book ‘The Drama of being a child. ‘

I read it when I was 22 and it tore me to pieces re-experiencing and thinking about all the processes I’d undergone to make this false self out if necessity.

It’s taken ages and sporadic therapy to get closer to my ‘true’ self- I’m 56 now. Back in EMDR to uncover the rest of me.

Actually ended up studying Winnicott, Ainsworth, Bowlby et al through my time in psychosocial care where I worked in therapeutic units for children. All the time acting from a false self. At least my energy and insights were going to good use. But talk about daily triggering. Eek.

I find the ‘false self true self’ helpful still. I wish you well on your healing journey

 

[Ecdysis]

I think the facade/false self that I developed as a child growing up in an absolute nightmare, was so protective for me and became so much second nature, that for a very long time, I "identified" with it and thought that it literally was me.

I got traumatised again as an adult, a few years ago and at that point, I think that trauma facade/ false self started crumbling... That's why I stopped being "functional"... I no longer had access to that version of "myself".

Ever since that started happening, I've been fighting the process with all my might... I've felt terrified of that false self breaking away, feeling like it was "me" that was breaking and ceasing to exist and terrified how I would cope without that protective shield.

I think I'm now getting to the point where that old facade/ false self is so broken down and crumbled, that I have to let it go... There's nothing left to hold on to, but rubble...

Still on this path... Starting to find a bit more equilibrium in letting the old false self go...

I'm shocked at how much I identified with it. I unconciously created the false self to survive the trauma, because it was clear that being my real self was simply not an option. It started so very young, that it began long before I can even recall it starting. And what became my "personality" (that I identified with) was the false self.

This false self dissolving at mid-life has felt incredibly painful and threatening... I was sure that a disaster would unfold if I let go of that protective facade.

I still have a ways to travel on this particular journey, it's not done yet... But it's starting to feel a bit less awful...

 

[Ecdysis]

Adding this video on the true/ false self to this thread... I find it quite helpful and comforting.