Hiding Behind The Fat

[Sunny:)]

I've been dealing with my PTSD for 25 years and have overcome so much. My life today has no major problems now, thank God. Just little ups and downs of a normal day. I am so thankful for this.

However, I have gained 30 lbs. in the past 2 months since taking Abilify. I was already overweight. But here's my problem...

In my head I want to lose weight and be healthy, but deep inside, I'm terrified of "revealing" my true, slender self. That is, my fat hides who I am; I need it to hide who I am.

I've been "beat up" so often when I was my truly happy, slender self, I've imprisoned myself in my fat. It's the only way I feel safe.

On the one hand, my days with PTSD get better and better. I can cope with life better. But I think I have one more issue to deal with- how to be my true self and feel safe. This fear is very, very deep, for I believed it was my "girl" body that drew the attention of my abusers and made them hurt me.

Has anyone dealt with and overcome this fear?

 

[Kaii]

I completely identify with this. I used to be thin, men liked that. Then came the abusive boyfriend and the two attempted sexual assaults by strangers. I put on more and more weight with each event. I feel mentally comfortable with how my body looks now. I know that less men look at me now and I am happy about it. Less chance that something will happen to me.

Have I overcome it? Nope, it's been years and years. I don't think things are going to change.

 

[freakofnurture]

You could always replace that fat with muscles. A strong girl with a nice bicep and the knowledge how to deliver an uppercut won't be attacked - or the attackers will regret it bitterly.

Maybe this could be a way for you to get down to a healthier weight without losing the comfort that it gives you? I know that my slowly growing muscles are a rewarding sight and make me feel more confident in my body; and although my story is quite different from yours, I can imagine that it could work for you, too.