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Deleted member 47099
I'm in my 40s now, and all of my life I have hidden my trauma and PTSD as well as I possibly could.
I told my T and pdoc of course, and told my closest friends and also told my ex's at the time.
I have kept it hidden like THE WORLD'S BIGGEST SECRET from everyone else.
It never felt like an option to allow anyone else to know... I used to feel like my head would explode or I would die, if anyone found out.
I don't know why it seemed like a matter of life and death to me, apart from all the "obvious" reasons.
I mean, wanting your privacy and not wanting everyone to know, is one thing.
Feeling like you will literally drop deap if anyone ever finds out any of that stuff? Is not quite the same, IMO.
I've lived a double life, all my life.
While the abuse and trauma were going on, I was "expected" to hide it, like just about everyone else that's gone through childhood trauma.
In the years following that, I was also "expected" to keep hiding it.
But in my early 20s I went no-contact with my FOO (family of origin) and from that point onwards, I could've made different choices.
Instead, I continued to lead that double life.
Now, in my 40s, it no longer feels healthy and it no longer feels like I have to do it to survive.
I'm thinking of re-training in a new job, that would involve working with traumatised children.
And in that setting, I'd finally not have to keep my PTSD a secret from my employer anymore.
At the moment, due to an unrelated coincidence (a past work issue) I'm suddenly in the position where I may have to disclose my double life to a few people.
I've kept my PTSD and my disability an iron clad secret at work, forever.
I'm currently not working, but need to sort out some stuff from a previous job and it basically entails going "Guess what, I have a disability, I have PTSD from childhood trauma and yeah, I always chose to keep it a secret."
It's a strange feeling. It's making me wonder why my brain was 100% convinced it had to be a secret all of my life, so far?
How was I that convinced I'd die if anyone found out, ever?
Edit to add: The idea of people connected to the previous job now finding out still creeps me out. But I also feel this weird (dissociated) sense of relief to not live a double life anymore and even for the decision to be taken out of my hands... I feel like I'm floating and just watching it unfold and thinking "Yeah, whatever, now you all know the truth... That's what was going on all along..."
Edit to add: I've recently been working on early childhood attachment trauma with my T. I found out that I have avoidant attachment trauma, which means that I have tried to be 100% independent all my life... I have always relied on myself, never on anyone else. I always knew I had to protect myself, because if I didn't, then nobody else would. I think this probably has to do with the mindset that "if anyone found out" then I'd be exposing a weakness and then I'd be unable to protect myself properly and if I can't protect myself, then I'll die.
Something like that.
I told my T and pdoc of course, and told my closest friends and also told my ex's at the time.
I have kept it hidden like THE WORLD'S BIGGEST SECRET from everyone else.
It never felt like an option to allow anyone else to know... I used to feel like my head would explode or I would die, if anyone found out.
I don't know why it seemed like a matter of life and death to me, apart from all the "obvious" reasons.
I mean, wanting your privacy and not wanting everyone to know, is one thing.
Feeling like you will literally drop deap if anyone ever finds out any of that stuff? Is not quite the same, IMO.
I've lived a double life, all my life.
While the abuse and trauma were going on, I was "expected" to hide it, like just about everyone else that's gone through childhood trauma.
In the years following that, I was also "expected" to keep hiding it.
But in my early 20s I went no-contact with my FOO (family of origin) and from that point onwards, I could've made different choices.
Instead, I continued to lead that double life.
Now, in my 40s, it no longer feels healthy and it no longer feels like I have to do it to survive.
I'm thinking of re-training in a new job, that would involve working with traumatised children.
And in that setting, I'd finally not have to keep my PTSD a secret from my employer anymore.
At the moment, due to an unrelated coincidence (a past work issue) I'm suddenly in the position where I may have to disclose my double life to a few people.
I've kept my PTSD and my disability an iron clad secret at work, forever.
I'm currently not working, but need to sort out some stuff from a previous job and it basically entails going "Guess what, I have a disability, I have PTSD from childhood trauma and yeah, I always chose to keep it a secret."
It's a strange feeling. It's making me wonder why my brain was 100% convinced it had to be a secret all of my life, so far?
How was I that convinced I'd die if anyone found out, ever?
Edit to add: The idea of people connected to the previous job now finding out still creeps me out. But I also feel this weird (dissociated) sense of relief to not live a double life anymore and even for the decision to be taken out of my hands... I feel like I'm floating and just watching it unfold and thinking "Yeah, whatever, now you all know the truth... That's what was going on all along..."
Edit to add: I've recently been working on early childhood attachment trauma with my T. I found out that I have avoidant attachment trauma, which means that I have tried to be 100% independent all my life... I have always relied on myself, never on anyone else. I always knew I had to protect myself, because if I didn't, then nobody else would. I think this probably has to do with the mindset that "if anyone found out" then I'd be exposing a weakness and then I'd be unable to protect myself properly and if I can't protect myself, then I'll die.
Something like that.
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