Hiding

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

I hid behind the pillow during therapy, spent most of my time there.
My therapist asked me for the pillow and I asked why and he said because he wants to be able to see me. I don't want to be seen. Why would he want to see me? He will just hate or be disgusted by what he sees.

I dissociate a lot, before and after my brother died. We had worked on it through therapy and were making progress but I feel like I have slid back so far no one can reach me. I feel so detached.

My father says that I am selfish to be caught up with such human qualities such as grief, seeing as the person I am grieving is dead, it is just for me. My father says that it is weakness and that I need to just move on with life because it is useless to think about my brother, he is already dead.
My question is; Is grieving selfish? Should I focus more on living a life that has changed forever, changed without my wanting it to change. I had to Identify his body after the accident and I have nightmares of it, even in my dreams I can not stop myself from being selfish. If my Father is correct. I feel a sense of despair and so very lonely. I really don't want to be selfish.

I had PTSD before my brother died. Now it just seems unbearable. I feel like escaping/Dissociating is the only way I can make it through this.

If I had been honest with my therapist and not hid, I would have told him that I feel guilty about being alive when my brother who was so full of life is dead. I was planning on suicide before he passed and my partner took me into the hospital for help. They helped me get the actual diagnosis of PTSD and calmed me down. Than my partner received the phone call that my brother passed away. They were willing to admit me but they understood I needed to be there for my family so they discharged me.

My father claims me being in the hospital is linked to my brother death. I am confused. Somehow if I were to think like him I would agree, If I had committed suicide instead of reaching out for help than my brother wouldn't have been racing that weekend and he would still be alive and I would be buried on the hillside in his place. Life is cruel, it needed to be satisfied. But who said it had to be him? why couldn't it have been me, when I was so actively planning for it anyways.

If I am made to listen to one more thing my father or mother has to say, Than I can promise I will dissociate. But I feel bad because I have been working all year on getting better at being present and willing to sit with my emotions. But when my own family won't admit to having feelings I feel there is no way to be present with these intense emotions all on my own. So I dissociate.

I actually am slightly proud of myself because instead of shutting down and ignoring my intense feelings of guilt, I typed it out here and acknowledged it. I may not of done it in therapy, but at least I am letting it out here. Please be kind to me, I feel very fragile and I just needed a space to write out what I am going through in my mind. I know I may not be correct, but I had to get it out there. I wish my brother was here and I wasn't.

Sending you all love and best wishes, thank you for reading and allowing me a safe place to type it out. Its priceless to have someone to listen.

“When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.”
― Ernest Hemingway

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Sending healing hugs your way. I do not think that grief is wrong at all and I am very sad about your parents unfeeling comments to distort the truth and to confuse it, that is my take on it anyway. I hate death, I have had so many die in my life and grieving is a season that begs for healing but time does heal with the passing of it, but grieving is so important.

I feel so sad about what you have gone through, so much painful suffereing. Go ahead an grieve. It is a natural process to go through in my opinion. I hope this helps you.

 

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

Thank you @gizmo, you have faithfully always been so kind in your responses to me. I appreciate that. I feel so vulnerable and fragile. I am thankful that you are allowing me to use this space without judgment. Honestly gizmo, I am thankful you are here. Thank you.

 

[Friday]

Grief & mourning is inherently selfish. That doesn't mean it's wrong. Grieving isn't wrong. It is the price we pay for love.

 

[Seasounds]

I actually am slightly proud of myself because instead of shutting down and ignoring my intense feelings of guilt, I typed it out here and acknowledged it. I may not of done it in therapy, but at least I am letting it out here.

Yes, I agree with you. Great accomplishment!

Please be kind to me, I feel very fragile and I just needed a space to write out what I am going through in my mind. I know I may not be correct, but I had to get it out there.

I think what you've done here mighty fine! It is a real challenge to stand with yourself amidst criticism. Your process is yours; a sacred process of growth and change at your own pace.

Your grief makes sense to me. I lost a cousin who was more like my brother than a cousin, to suicide.

I wish my brother was here and I wasn't.

So sorry for your pain.

Grief, for me, was a strong connection to my loved one. Also it felt like a cocoon that helped protect me, until I wanted to venture into life again. I think you can look at your therapist in your own time. Baby steps, are what I took; I needed not to feel pressure.

Your fragileness makes sense to me, too. When I lost my cousin, since we were close, I lost myself. it was like I lost my strength, my hope, my will, my comrade through life, and I lost my own life force. Collapse, is a good descriptor, of my reality, at that time.

I liked how a friend of mine described recovering from grief: a loss of a literal life-force, a tether to the earth. That is why, he said, that making new connections, in my own time, was the solution. It took me a couple of years.

You are doing wonderfully to, first, show up for therapy, and secondly, to be authentic, and to explore the options of looking,or not looking, at your therapist.

I send you my compassion, and gratitude for you writing!

 

[Casey_03]

It sounds to me like your Dad is saying these things and making you feel bad for grieving because he doesn't know how to help you through the grieving process. He's likely angry with you because 1) seeing you grieve reminds him of your brother's death - and maybe he 's not ready to process it yet, and 2) seeing you grieve makes him feel helpless to provide you with any comfort. I think a lot of parents get angry when they see their children suffering/struggling because they feel ill-equipped to help, they don't know how to handle it. They get frustrated. But it doesn't mean they don't care or that they really are angry with you. I don't know your family, so maybe I am way off, but reading this, it sounds to me like everyone is grieving in different ways and there is friction because you guys have gone in opposite directions - one wants to grieve, the other wants to ignore the pain and hope it just goes away.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I believe it's necessary to grieve, you shouldn't feel guilty about it at all. What happened wasn't your fault, you deserve to be here, and to heal, take care

 

[Changing4Best]

Grieving, especially in such a case as yours, where you had to identify the body (!) is very understandable and expected. I think also that having had to identify the body can bring PTSD into the foreground, but I cannot explain this belief with any facts that I know. It is just a gut feeling!

There are stages of grief, I know one of them is shock and one is disbelief, if I recall correctly. There are 5 stages, if I recall. Anyway, a friend of mine had her hubby die, and she was told that she should be "over it" by the end of a year. But I say that one grieves the loss of a husband plenty longer than that, because mine died in 2005 and I still miss him so, so don't feel bad if your grieving lasts longer than a year. I was married for 23 years. That is easily as long as one is in the nuclear family with a sibling!

 

[shimmerz]

Nobody should be telling you what you should or shouldn't do. It is personal. I have learned to distance myself from 'shoud-ers'. They aren't healthy for me.

 

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

Thank you everyone for the replies.
It was very releasing to type this all out last night and wake up to so many caring posts.

@Saetva, Your words ring true... I do feel like I have lost a sense of self. I looked up to my brother more than I do to my own father. There was a 13 year age gap between us and my brother raised me more than my own father. I never really saw him as my father, but I felt he loved me more than my own father did. I knew he was older than I and I could learn from his experiences, seeing as my parents really didn't parent me. So my whole life I have watched and learned from my brother, and I valued the knowledge I gained from that relationship highly. So having a future without it seems scary. Who will I learn from now, on how to parent and live a proper life?

@Casey_03, Thank you. I do believe you are correct. We as a family are all grieving differently and it is causing friction. My father will do anything to bring my brother down a notch, even though he has passed. My father will do anything to keep my emotions at bay so his emotions can be kept at bay. Growing up screaming was ok but crying was not. The screaming was usually on my parents ends. I as an adult, feel tired of having to restrict my emotions so he doesn't have to deal with them. The emotions grief is bringing up are far too intense to shove under the carpet... 'Suppressing the grieving emotions will only make the grieving process harder and more lengthy.' is what one grief therapist told me. How can I grieve openly if my whole family is shaming me and making me feel selfish in a bad way?

@Cj77, Thank you. Just Thank you. I need to work through this guilty feeling and having someone acknowledge that grieving is necessary and that I deserve to heal helps me hugely. I needed the validation!!!

@SheilaKathy, I do believe that @23 years is the same amount of time as a sibling. Although I think loosing a husband is different in so many ways because the connection is undeniably different. My brother was there at my birth and was the first to hold me. He was always present in my life, more so than my own dad. I do not think I will ever not hurt for the loss. I am sorry for you're loss, its so hard to lose those that you love. It has almost been four months but I feel as if my grief and Nightmares are only getting stronger and more powerful. I can not get the image of his body out of my mind. It overwhelms me out of nowhere, where I just collapse to the floor.

@shimmerz, :) I have missed seeing your posts. I agree with you whole heartedly. It isn't the first time I have received that advice. Thank you for taking time to post on my thread. You always inspire me.

Thank you everyone, you are all so amazing for taking time to respond to me. I let the fear of speaking get the better of me once again and lost the courage to post on here, but I am glad I pushed through that and did it anyways. Please know you all helped me in so many ways that instead of being alone in the darkness, I feel like someone just lit up a candle and said "Come on Dragonfly, its ok to be you."

Sending you all warmth and best wishes!

 

[Seasounds]

If it can be helpful; You have inspired me to write some details, of the 'deep loos' time.

Especially at first:I would have a deep need to endlessly sob or lie frozen, I would have dreams sobbing, and wake up sobbing. I shut down-not having the energy to reach out; when I did reach out, people couldn't understand why my grief was so deep.

And, I found I just needed people to listen and be with me. This didn't work for my friends since, previous to losing my cousin, I was the "listener" in the friendship. Literally, I didn't have the 'emotional space' to hear about their day to day concerns. And, I learned that few people have the sills to be with and work with, someone in deep grief.

It was a job to find these people, with whom I demonstrated through my behavior, that I was comfortable being with them. A lot of the time, at first, I told them that I just need to be in the same room with someone. I had two friends who had dealt with a loos; in addition to my therapist, they could listen, if I needed.

Our culture is so ill equipped to deal with deep grief. Especially when under the age of 50, it can be rare to find someone who has been through a deep loss.

If I may suggest some ideas:
1. You might Google 'grief group' in your area. I had a friend who had a great experience with one. It is not as intense as one to one therapy-you are not always on the 'hot seat'. 'Art therapy groups' (no artistic skills required) are less verbal and you can, like writing, represent your feelings, in a safe place, 'meet-up groups' (Google) may have grief groups. 2. For peer facilitated/exchanged grief sessions, you might investigate re-evaluation counseling (rc.org). 3. I found being in nature, and being around young children, and animals, helpful.

Besides writing, what do you notice is helpful? Music, nature,reading, movies, time alone, being with certain people?

No need to answer if you are done with this conversation.Glad to know you found everyone's responses helpful. :)

 

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

Sorry for not replying right away, I needed some time. Yes Deep Loss feels like it fits.. I hate nights where I dream of him and cry and wake up already sobbing. I feel like I could lie frozen for eternity.

I find being able to talk about it really helpful. My Father has said all of his kids are dead to him now, and my mom just wants sympathy for herself. My mom actually gets mad if anyone reaches out and helps other people in the family. I can not say how I would handle things after loosing a son but I know it would be hard. I do not blame my parents but they have never truly been my parents. My family is trying to suppress this so much that it overwhelms me. I am in a grief group and I do have my therapist that I was seeing before the death for PTSD and depression.

Unfortunately I don't feel therapy once a week and group once a month is enough for me to grief, when I go through so many thoughts and feeling and making heavy decisions for my Grandma going into hospice (I am her specific Decision Maker) almost every day. I feel like I need more outlets or like a life coach, that I can contact after making life decisions for grandma, or taking my dead brothers kids. I have started taking them so his wife can finish school because she will have to work full time soon so she can support her family. The kids bring up questions and things each day that I don't know how to handle. I would normally go to my brother about these things and seek his advice. He would also help with all of this responsibility.

I do Journal and art projects. I write a lot. But I also use 'poor' coping skills. Such as self harm and I can't seem to eat anything, I also cannot sleep without waking up either from the PTSD nightmares or the grief. I feel like if I could talk or have more people I trust to sit with in silence, than I would use my other coping skills less. I am invisible to my family. I am closer to my sister-in-law than to my siblings and parents. However I can't use her to help me through this grief because she is grieving her husband and I do not want to hijack her grieving, I am there for her not the other way around.

I did a lot of 'google' searches for grief groups around me and didn't come across anything about rc.org so I will have to do some more research. The grief groups here are scarce and either filled or too expensive. A lot of places online say they have grief groups but when I phone to get more information they say they no longer have that group but could do individual. I already have individual and can not afford for more individual.
My brother was always someone I could learn something from, through my childhood he became a symbol of hope that I didn't have to be stuck in a dysfunctional family. I wish I could access his knowledge now. Not just some voice I put in my head to replace him, I feel like I am talking to thin air.

Thank you @Saetva for prompting me to search for more and for acknowledging 'deep loss' because I feel lost and anything I can do to get grounded would be nice. I honestly can not express my thanks enough, for any responses to this post. I have re-read it many times and it comforts me. Dealing with PTSD before this was hard, now I feel like I have to much to handle on my own.