Relationship Hiding PTSD for almost 15 years in our marriage

[Linawilks]

My husband is a combat veteran. He has always been very independent and not very open or emotional. We had been married for 15 years, 2 kids, career change out of the Army, several moves, etc. He started acting weird out of the blue and blurted out that he hated himself, that he was going to hell for the things he did in combat, and that he wanted to die every day for the last 15 years.
I was blown away and hurt that he kept such a huge part of his life a secret. I told him if he didn’t get counseling and deal, then I wasn’t going to spend my life with someone who didn’t value their own and want to work towards building ours together. He sought therapy and claims he is over all of it now. This happened about 5 years ago. I am still so deeply hurt and angry at him to keeping this from me. I want to move on and get over it, but I cannot look at him the same. Am I wrong here? How do I get past him lying to me for 15 years. I feel like I don’t even know him?

 

[somerandomguy]

He wasn't lying to you; he was trying to protect you. Big, big, big difference.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

People don’t keep trauma and its consequences to themselves to get one up on you, or out of not loving you, most often it is to save you the “burden” of it and having to care for them through life after taking the lid off the box, so to speak, and protect themselves from the intense vulnerability of opening up about it.

You being bitter at him after sharing isn’t constructive for either of you. Could you reframe it to look at what it’s been like for him? I understand you feel lied to/betrayed, but a more empathetic lens could give you a less painful perspective.


PTSD is often closely accompanied by feelings of guilt, shame, and worthlessness, so sharing isn’t intuitive from that perspective.

 

[Starfire]

My husband is a combat veteran. He has always been very independent and not very open or emotional. We had been married for 15 years, 2 kids, career change out of the Army, several moves, etc. He started acting weird out of the blue and blurted out that he hated himself, that he was going to hell for the things he did in combat, and that he wanted to die every day for the last 15 years.
I was blown away and hurt that he kept such a huge part of his life a secret. I told him if he didn’t get counseling and deal, then I wasn’t going to spend my life with someone who didn’t value their own and want to work towards building ours together. He sought therapy and claims he is over all of it now. This happened about 5 years ago. I am still so deeply hurt and angry at him to keeping this from me. I want to move on and get over it, but I cannot look at him the same. Am I wrong here? How do I get past him lying to me for 15 years. I feel like I don’t even know him?

It sounds to me, based on experience and my counseling, not any medical specialty, that your husband dealt with it in his way those 15 years. So he didn’t have an issue or problem with it.

Has something significant changed? I’m an army brat, so I have some concept of the attention and effort we take for granted doing that job. For me after my kids left home and I retired from my job, my mind was less occupied and my ptsd raised its ugly head and hollared pay attention to me. NOW.

IMHO you did and said the right thing. But it’s easier said than done.

My husband is a combat veteran. He has always been very independent and not very open or emotional. We had been married for 15 years, 2 kids, career change out of the Army, several moves, etc. He started acting weird out of the blue and blurted out that he hated himself, that he was going to hell for the things he did in combat, and that he wanted to die every day for the last 15 years.
I was blown away and hurt that he kept such a huge part of his life a secret. I told him if he didn’t get counseling and deal, then I wasn’t going to spend my life with someone who didn’t value their own and want to work towards building ours together. He sought therapy and claims he is over all of it now. This happened about 5 years ago. I am still so deeply hurt and angry at him to keeping this from me. I want to move on and get over it, but I cannot look at him the same. Am I wrong here? How do I get past him lying to me for 15 years. I feel like I don’t even know him?

Just thought have you contacted Wounded Warriors?

 

[Movingforward10]

I am still so deeply hurt and angry at him to keeping this from me.

I can understand the hurt. But, like others have said, I'm sure he kept it from you for a while host of reasons that are based in love for you and the children and fear for himself.
I never told my partner of 21 years of what I went through (not combat vet, but other trauma) until 6 years ago. The reasons are so many: saying words makes it real. Saying the words means you have to deal with it. You can't deny it any more.

Like others have said, if you can shift your mind set and see it from his perspective, then I'm sure you can let go of your hurt.

 

[arfie]

ya got me remembering a combined alanon/aa support group on the topic of the diff between denial and lying. when i am in denial of my mental health symptoms, am i lying to my loved ones? i opine that the meanest lies in the world are the ones i tell myself. when i believe my own lies, that line between honor and deceit gets messy in a hurry.

i still don't have a good summary of that discussion, but i am eternally grateful to my hubs for forgiving and standing by me during those too many years i believed my own lies.

healing hopes for all. no exceptions.

 

[Jade-]

When was he diagnosed with PTSD @Linawilks ? Did he even know that he had it 15 years ago or did he find out once you forced him into counseling?

I'm asking because I am sure he really was suffering and struggling for many years and probably dealt with it the best he could. Or maybe he was doing ok and then got to the point he just couldn't cope anymore and why he blurted it out. IDK but it just seems so harsh to punish him for having a mental illness and trying to keep it from you.

5 years ago and you still can't let go of it? Maybe some therapy might do you some good also.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

Maybe he did not realize it was PTSD. I went for almost 25 years from when my symptoms arose to discovering it was PTSD. The symptoms in my case came up slowly and were normalized along the way so I really didn’t notice until I was pretty messed up and then I thought it was something else. It isn’t easy stuff to talk about before you are ready.

 

[Sweetpea76]

5 years ago and you still can't let go of it?

I don’t blame her. It’s not just his life that is affected. They’re a family. They have kids.
She’s allowed to be pissed. He made a choice to keep it from her, and he took her choices away by hiding it.

he wanted to die every day for the last 15 years.

So basically the entirety of their marriage… all the time she’s thinking everything is ok. That he’s stable… That they should have kids whose lives would be affected.

PTSD is a selfish disorder. Survival mode kicks in and they put #1 ahead of everyone and everything. That’s sucky if you’re sharing a life with somebody.

Your feelings are just as valid as his. You’re allowed to be hurt and betrayed when something was hidden from you. Give yourself a little grace. Vent away. Counseling and support is always a good idea for supporters if you think you need some extra help.

 

[Jade-]

@Sweetpea76

I didn't say she's not allowed to be pissed. I was saying if after 5 years she still can't let go of it maybe therapy would do her some good also, there's a difference.