Holding My Nose And Jumping In

[Sandstone]

I've been seeing my T for a couple of months.

She says that it is safe place, but I don't feel it yet.

I've concluded that the only way I'll find out is to start revealing a bit of detail - so far all she knows is dates and places. I'm going to do it today.

I can't bring myself to speak it directly, so I've pdf'd my last Diary entries and put them on my Kindle for her to read (no printer at the moment). I think that's cowardly, but it's the best I can do.

I'm struggling with breathing properly, my vision keeps closing in and I can see each pulse and I'm trembling, tingly and lightheaded. Right now I think I'd rather drop dead on the way there.

Could someone tell me they'll ask me how it went? Then I'll have to go through with it or be accountable.

 

[The Albatross]

I will absolutely ask you how it went Stenni.

I think it took a lot of courage to dive right in, and expose via your diary your thoughts. I'm sending good intentions that your efforts are well received.

Breathe girlfriend, breathe! :hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I will too. I do not think it was cowardly to write it down. I write better than I speak. I think it is brave and couragous of you to talk about the issues. It is a great beginning. I wish you the best.

 

[The Albatross]

Stenni? Spill it? How did it go? ;)

 

[Sandstone]

I did it. T thought it was a creative approach.

Thank you both for offering to follow me up.

I'd decided I needed to treat the session like a meeting, and written myself a timed agenda to help force myself in the right direction

First I asked her more about how we ensured it was a safe place, and she said that was up to me to control. I'm not wholly happy with that, I'd prefer to think that we shared responsibility for recognising if I'm embarking on something that might tip me over the edge. I explained that I'm afraid of pushing too hard and driving myself back to the state I was in last January, when self harm and o'd-ing on sleeping pills were my main coping mechanism.

I also explained that my coping skills aren't all they could be, citing an event on Tuesday when I was engulfed in self loathing, but didn't realise until much later that this was an overwhelming emotion and I should have been using distraction and soothing.

Then I came to the main item on my agenda. It wasn't as bad as I expected. T's questions were not what I'd expected - maybe that's the point of therapy. Therapists don't look at us from the same angle as we perceive ourselves. I was quite shaky at he time, and for the rest of the day, and I switched out some of the time and didn't take in all she said. I'm still worried that I don't seem to have much emotion attached to the actual events.

This morning I had two positive surprises. Neither seems directly linked to starting to open up but...?

I've spent lots of time explaining to T that I fail at everything I ever touch. But today I realised that the curtains I've made always look and hang better than any I've bought. So I went to the one shop I can visit alone to buy fabric for the spare room window.

While I was there I began to struggle again with breathing, and remembered a post I saw about someone's friend at work who reminded her to breathe in and out when things got tough. I was thinking "I wish I had a friend I could ask for that, but there's no-one". Then I remembered Albatross

Breathe girlfriend, breathe!

 

[The Albatross]

Very glad Stenni, that you opened up and were candid... that you were open enough today to realize you not only accomplished something and didn't fail, but that you did a pretty darned good job (better than any curtains you've purchased).

The thing about tolerating stresses has ALOT to do with breath holding for me, very glad you could feel the experience, and remember a connection to help you through. With practice, breathwork can help you increase your ability to endure for a "finite time".

Two thumbs up and a big hug for you!!! :tup::tup: :hug: Very happy to read this today!