Homeless(?) By Choice

[void]

Hello killashandra. I'm headed to CA next week and will talk to my T. I may just show him this po...

@I_will_recover

How r u doing right now?

Keep us posted, ok?

We r rootin' for u.:hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[sassyannie54]

I did it. Well, I wasn't homeless, however.....My PTSD incident-sudden and traumatic death of my son- happened 18 years ago but my work as a nurse also caused ongoing exposure to awful things. After I found out my remaining son was abusing drugs (he was the reason I stayed alive so as to not give him an even greater loss of his mother) I really decompensated. I sent him to live with his father, went on disability for a couple legitimate things, sold almost everything in the house, sold the house, bought a new truck and travelled around the western US for 11 months. Would stay in motels usually, would wake up in the morning and have a rough idea where I wanted to go that day and drive until I wanted to stop. Drove on small 2 lane roads avoiding freeways and cities, didn't listen to radio or watch TV and talked to very few people. Everywhere I drove there was something new to see and I never got tired while driving. It calmed the chaos in my brain and in my soul. I drove until I was almost out of money. I started two years ago. I've applied for permanent disability and am reminded that my PTSD goes into remission but is not gone as filling out all of the paperwork just brings back all the crap. I'm living with my father and have few financial responsibilities except credit cards and cell phone but the remaining small retirement is rapidly slipping away. So I'm looking into long distance backpacking. I'm 62 years old and the only backpacks I've ever seen were on strong young men on the John Muir Trail. And I hate exercise. But I'm passionate about fighting this god awful disease and teaching others about it. Guess we'll see but I'm actively doing homework on backpacking.

I purchased a truck with the possibility that I may be homeless sometime in the relatively near future. I'll always have shelter. I've thought long and hard about if it actually happened and frankly I don't know. The thing I'm most concerned about are my two smallish dogs. They've been with me through this journey.

Yea, I get it with the mother thing. My mom died a year ago, I rarely think about her and don't miss her a bit. The last time I saw her we had a huge fight and she died a couple months later. Oh well.

An elderly friend asked if I regretted any of it and I enthusiastically told him not one day.

Welcome to this website. I just came back after being gone 5 years. There's lots of good people here and lots of ideas and commonalities.

 

[sassyannie54]

Forgot, the one problem is it's really important to have a permanent address and that can be a challenge if you want to go off the grid. To do that you really have to give up everything and live on nothing but cash. Motels that are better than those that you can "rent by the hour" require a credit card. Things like driver's licenses and anything having to do with the government. Seems like it should be easy but it isn't so easy to actually leave society.

 

[I_will_recover]

First off, thank you for your responses. I was overwhelmed to say the least. Mostly because I sometimes fear it (my abuse and trauma) is all in my head. To have you validate the miasma of fear and hopelessness shocked and overwhelmed me. "You mean it wasn't in my head all these years?!?", I kept saying to myself after each of your responses. Again, I was overwhelmed by your support.

I flew last week to NorCal for a two hour T session (my longest to date). I told him about this forum and your responses. I mentioned I need to check in with peers not just docs and that your responses validated my feelings. He mentioned he had also validated my feelings about my mother but if it took peers to help me see it was wonderful. It means I have a support system - online counts (I didn't think it did).

After that session I went down to health/human services where I was treated, fortunately, with compassion. I think the fact that I stood stock still filling out my paperwork while tears streamed down my face with deafening silence. It was so painful. Here I am a grown woman in my early 40's who graduated from 12 year private school, good colleges, good jobs, good friends with the needed distance from my oppressors. Filling out that paperwork pull the trigger on me being homeless. How did it come to this? To this day people perceive me as successful. I also made an appt that day to see a social worker then flew back to my mom's and left one day later to meet with SW in NorCal. Another kind, understanding person. Apparently, things get hectic and "crazy" there on a regular basis so I think the staff was appreciative of my not rocking the boat. Truth is I felt soooo vulnerable I was barely audible and rarely made eye contact.

I saw my T after my SW visit and he said it won't be easy (at all) but it'll move me closer to functionality. Which I read as never being healed but I'll take functionally at this point. I will likely end up in some form of traditional housing. I don't feel like I'm running from my issues. I feel like I'm running somewhere (anywhere) away from here so I can focus solely on my issues. I need/want/need the quite and autonomy. I always have (only child, loaner by nature).

My mother.... is simply in shock of my plans to become "homeless." As per usual, she is being nice and kind as says she doesn't want me to go. She asked was she the reason and I told her no but she was a small part of it. I was being kind but also covering my a$$ in case she slipped into rage mode. She said she never knew things weren't that great with us. Really? It's because I cower to her and she is delusional. And yet I hate saying that about her. But god I'd give anything to make our relationship work. I CRAVE love, especially parental love, regardless of previous experiences. I always will. My T says I'll give up on myself before I'll give up on her but it's like that with children and parents and trauma. I'm trying not to let her lull me into a false sense that it's safe here when in my head I know it's not.

I apologize for the absence. I'm just overwhelmed and tired. Sooooooo tired. Suicide is still on the back burner as always.

Thanks for lending me your ears or eyes I definitely your support. I apologize for grammar and spelling mistakes but I don't apologize for being "crazy."

 

[sassyannie54]

You sound pretty good. I realize that can be misleading and it makes it frustrating, I know I can look ok even as I'm screaming, aching, dull, no good cognitive thinking capabilities on the inside. I started traveling on a knee jerk reaction. I seriously had to get away from life and put myself in a situation that had as little stimulation as possible. I'm also from norcal and would periodically visit my parents. They were my permanent address. Every time I went back it was a serious set back because of my mother and it would take hours and sometimes days to recover. It felt really odd when my mother died and I didn't care. I had to be pretty messed up to feel that way. my doc said there are a lot of people that have intense negative emotions about their mothers. with her gone I can stop trying to convince her how awful I sometimes feel.

 

[Sideways]

I've had those exact "how did I end up like this" thoughts waiting in line with my stack of paperwork ready to plead for public housing. It feels like everything around you has fallen apart, and everywhere you look is wreckage, the remains of the life you thought you had.

But you know, the amount of courage you've shown is immense. It's scary shit, but you did it anyway. You made it happen. And it looks like wreckage, but actually it's just 'change'. This is what rebuilding looks like when you start out. Only this time, you're rebuilding your life on your terms, using your supports rationally and reasonably, and every scary and painful thing that you've done - you've done it for you.

This doesn't sound like 'running away' at all. Quite the opposite- it sounds like somewhere in your head, hidden deep under those suicidal thoughts, you've decided that you want to recover, and you're working your arse off to make that happen. Kudos to you - bravery award is in order:)

 

[I_will_recover]

Based on my exp. I would cut all contact with your Abuser(aka Mom:devilish:).
With her you are constantly tr...

They were chains and have fueled a lifetime of guilt.

 

[I_will_recover]

My other half and I are eventually the planning on doing this. We have been developing our plan for a while no...

I will continue with my therapist but will definitely look into van dwelling. Open road traveling or tiny house living has always interested me.

 

[I_will_recover]

it sounds like somewhere in your head, hidden deep under those suicidal thoughts, you've decided that you want to recover, and you're working your arse off to make that happen.

Thank you thank you thank you

 

[Sideways]

Pfft! I'm not the one doing all the work, I'm just telling it how it is:cool:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

It means I have a support system - online counts (I didn't think it did).

Online def counts as a support system...its my only support system!

 

[sassyannie54]

My other half and I are eventually the planning on doing this. We have been developing our plan for a while no...

Wow, I looked up vandwelling and I must say it may have changed my life. The truck I purchased to travel the country was a new 2014 and I was able to pay cash. That life style is pretty extreme and certainly not for most people. You have to be very comfortable being alone. Being an only child as well as to a single mom in the 60's I had to learn that. Perhaps the isolation that so many PTSD sufferers experience has something to do with it. It's the epitome of tiny house living.

I hope you find you're way I_will_recover. The disease of PTSD SUCKS and each of us has to find out how to deal with it. I've had lots of therapy, meds, docs, coping mechanisms, researching and reading. I have found that, as with grief there are only two rules-you can't harm yourself and you can't harm anyone else.

My apologies to everyone for the diarrhea of the mouth. This has so resonated and I do so hope some of it's useful