Homelessness And Ptsd

[shimmerz]

I had a pretty screwed up home life for two years. 20 foster homes in that time. I was then adopted and stayed in one family home until I headed out on my own at 17. Raising children I always was able to secure a safe home - for them. Now I couldn't secure a safe place for me if I tried. It is almost like I don't believe I deserve or even require a home somehow. It is messed up and is messing up my life. I am seeing more and more that those early days are truly effecting my visions of 'home'. Does anyone else have issues with this and was their sense of a home chaotic in the past or is this just me?

 

[illusionist]

As you know, I had the same start as yourself. I was adopted when I was two and adopted parents died within a year of each other when I was three and four. I then spend the rest of my childhood with abusive long term foster parents......that's my background.
When I had my kids, like you, I had no problem keeping a home....I didn't see it as mine, it was theirs. In fact, thinking back, everything I did was for them......I was a mother..it was all I allowed myself to be. I focused everything on them.
Fast forward...kids grown up and it was time for me. I felt like I was starting out as a teenager...had to focus on myself, do things for myself and nobody else...a home being one of them. From then on a house was always just a house...not my home. I moved from place to place as nowhere became 'my home'...... never felt a great connection...had no roots.......I had carried on thinking what I had felt as a kid..nothing is certain, I'm only here as long as I'm allowed to be here, yet thinking I don't want to be here..so stopping myself from putting down roots.

 

[shimmerz]

I didn't see it as mine, it was theirs. In fact, thinking back, everything I did was for them......I was a mother..it was all I allowed myself to be. I focused everything on them.

Creepy similar. I remember saying out loud when my kids were younger and I was frustrated about something, 'I just want to go home'. My youngest said 'but Mommy, you are home!' It was then I realized that I had never once felt like I was 'home'. PTSD struck about 10 years later.

 

[illusionist]

You have really got me thinking shimmerz.....as you do lol....
In my last place I lived on my own I worked hard at trying to make it my home...you know, buying nice things for it and making it homely. I got it to how I wanted it and do you know what I then started to think?......this is such a waste..there are homeless people out there who would love that sitting room as a place to live and feel safe..I spent a lot of time feeling guilty for having a nice place with a sitting room, bathroom, kitchen, and bedroom just for myself!

 

[Anarchy]

The local day prison (primary school) that I attended until I was 11, had two childrens homes feeding kids into it. One was council run, and they were "nice" kids, say from a single mum who'd had to go into hospital.

Then there was a home run by the charity "Barnardos", their kids tended to be wards of court or kids who had been "taken into care". My mum used to take community care students to visit the place. In the final visit, when closure of the home was imminent, the boss man was explaining why it was closing; they had seen generation after generation of the same families passing through. For what ever reason, very very few who'd passed through those places had been able to form stable homes in which the social workers had allowed them to raise their own children.

The charity was moving its focus from running orphanages, to trying to help keep families together.

My ex's mother and her siblings grew up in an orphanage (an uncle on her father's side had the kids put there to punish her mother's family*), thinking about it, I can see quite a lot of "living for others" in her.

*the uncle had got in contact a few years ago, he was on his death bed and was seeking her "forgiveness". I think her answer was short and to the point; no!

 

[illusionist]

It is well documented that many kids were sexually and or physically abused while in care homes. I think that this has a bigger effect on people as parents rather than just being in care. I myself also spent a year in a children's home, before going into long term foster care. There were abuses going on there too and it was eventually closed down for that very reason...though it was never documented as that being the reason. There is a site where the kids from the home I was in , have documented their memories.
Also, when I was in the care system, you were basically out the door on your eighteenth birthday......no more allowance was paid to carers. So, many kids coming from the care system did not have any support at all in building a future for themselves...you just had to find your own way.
It is no surprise to me that many found their own kids going into care. They were not equipped with basics that was needed to look after themselves, never mind children, and often too screwed up because of the years of abuse.

 

[shimmerz]

It is no surprise to me that many found their own kids going into care. They were not equipped with basics that was needed to look after themselves, never mind children,

*Heavy sigh* I don't have this excuse because most of my life I had stable parents, however I have been running most of my life....from what I don't know. It feels like a primal thing though.

 

[illusionist]

Shimmerz....Have you managed to get hold of your records from the two years you were in homes.....giving dates and names of where you were. Then do checks on these places.....it may get to the root of why you feel the way you do.

 

[shimmerz]

I do. The agency won't give out addresses or names but the reports were blood curdling. I was terrified, confused, angry, lost, and finally hopeless. Sort of the way I felt in LA before I got sick. I am very certain I know what happened to me. Having raised quite a few children I could see how f**ed up my situation must have been as I read about my declining health in foster care. Failure to thrive, jaundice, among other things. I am certain there is sexual abuse there but that is just too big to take on right now. My inner voice is telling me to leave that part alone.

 

[illusionist]

I'm sorry to hear that shimmerz but it does explain why you feel the way you feel.....it's all buried deep within you. I'm thankful that I can remember a lot so that I was able to sift through a lot of it...respect and a big hug to you.

 

[sun seeker]

There was a thread on this topic a month or so ago, started by @missbliss. I'm not feeling up to looking for it right now but as I remember there was some good stuff there.

 

[illusionist]

I just noticed what you added to your last post shimmerz. Can I add something that you can maybe take into consideration please. Often babies in care did not thrive due to the health of their mother while they were carrying them. I myself had health problems as a baby concerning thriving as my birth mother was a prostitute, abused alcohol, and was a diabetic so it took me a long time to ' build' myself up. I found one of my foster parents who had me when I was six months old and told me I had feeding problems and generally was behind with my development , still catching up lol. My notes show I was still having problems when I was adopted. This was all due to the health of my mother whilst carrying me, not neglect or abuse.