How Do I Feel My Emotoins Again??

[Ashes98]

I have a boyfriend who is absolutely great. He's patient, understanding, would never harm me, and helps me for my own well being. But its seems like I cant show my emotions toward him correctly.

Instead I feel like he's where all my anger from the pain of being abused for so long gets directed at so a lot of the time I spend telling him to get away. Sometimes, when I'm having just a day where my depression really kicks in all I want is a hug but when I seem him I flinch even though he's never laid a hand on me. he thinks this is caused by my abuse and general distrust and fear of men because of my abuser. Is he right? Is there a way for me to work through this so that I don't do these things? I'd like to actually feel like my emotions are mine and not someone else's and not feel like I have to only half-way trust him cause he's a guy. ( also keep in mind we've been dating for 10 months with all this going on. but he'd rather work through it then break up.)

 

[Britt.f7]

My first real boyfriend I would flinch even when I knew he was going to touch me. I had to reassure myself that he was going to touch me and it would be okay. Didn't always help, but he was patient. Sometimes I had to talk myself into reaching out to him. That wasn't always easy either. Most of the time, I think, you will spend time in your head reassuring yourself, reminding yourself, that he is not the abuser and that it is okay to feel emotion with this person. For me that is what it took.

I've been married 19 years, and, on some days, I still have to do that little talk with myself. It is okay.

 

[The Albatross]

I flinched, still do sometimes. Yeah it's from my abuse. Been married 25 years this month, and dated/was engaged for four before that. It is less often, much less.. but it happens still. It is time and consistency that worked out things for me. It can happen.

I would caution you though to separate your issues... if you can. Bringing my own abuse into the relationship complicated things immensely. I am best served when I can keep my husbands treatment of me separate from the abuse I had from my family and first marriage. Wearing people out, is a real risk.

If you are projecting your issues on to him... you can be jeopardizing your relationship with a boyfriend that doesn't deserve it.

A bit confused though about your thread title. What emotions are unavailable to you?

 

[Ashes98]

Thank you and most love the feelings of affection I have none, I want to have them but I don't. It's like it's not me feeling these emotions but someone else. Like I have two sides one that feels emotion and one that doesn't. 9 out of 10 days, I feel like I'm the me with out feelings. And this isn't just toward him, its toward everyone. My family and friends alike.

 

[TeaLeaf]

I can so relate to how you are feeling. I used to feel this way towards my husband too, feeling angry at him because of the abuse I suffered at the hands of other people. I can also relate to not feeling emotions, I used to either feel like a robot, feel dead inside or feel disconnected from normal human feelings like love, connection, happiness etc.

Having a consistent and loving person in my life allowed me to heal my feelings of misdirected anger. It sounds like it is a healthy relationship and you trust him otherwise you probably wouldn't feel safe enough to feel some of the anger. I can also understand the conflicting emotions, wanting a hug but then being fearful. It sounds like it is your mind trying to protect you, if you were abused by men, your brain is looking for cues and putting you on alert to prevent that from happening again. Some things that helped me calm down were grounding, especially saying to myself, "The trauma is over, I'm safe now" and then repeating the date and where I was in my head. I also realized I needed to set limits on my husband regarding not triggering me. For me that meant him not coming up behind me or otherwise surprising me because those things can trigger me. He is really good about letting me know if he is walking up behind me, still home when I get up if I am not sure he left for work, etc.

Are you in therapy? This was the thing that helped me the most, working out and processing my feelings and emotions so I could start to feel again and direct my anger at the people that deserved it.

Just know that it does get better, I used to feel the exact same ways your describe and now I can feel happy, connected and affectionate towards people. The misdirected anger is also minimal and when it does happen I can identify it and work through it. And my flinching and startle reactions are way dialed down from where they used to be.