Relationship How Do I Move On And Let Go?

[pstdwife]

Hi Frankie,

I am one of those new Carers desperate to make sense of all that has happened recently. My husband has not even been "officially" diagnosed with PTSD but he shared that his therapist has started to discuss this with him and treat him with meditation. At this point, I'm almost completely shut out. One day I thought we were building a beautiful future together and the next, I was the root of all his problems and the marriage was to fault for all of his unhappiness. It was as if he just completely turned on me. But he feels that his "emotional turmoil" has nothing to do with why he's leaving the marriage. He refuses to work on it saying he's in capable of being married. Which I'm beginning to understand.

At first, I tried to be compassionate, kind, and understand what is happening because I knew this was not the man I married.

You say that " even if he is living with an uncontrolled PTSD, there is nothing I can do if he doesn't want it."

I am really struggling with just letting go. I can't help but feel that I should try and do something to help him. I don't even know if he recognizes what he's doing. Sometimes he's so sorry and says he must go on his journey alone and can't bring me into this. And at other times he blames me for all his unhappiness saying the biggest mistake in his life was ever marrying me.

I know I have to "let him go." But how does one do this? In the letting go process I have to give him a divorce. He said perhaps we should just separate for awhile instead. I asked if in this case he'd be willing to work on the marriage. He said no. It would only be for my benefit to separate for awhile. There is no benefit if we don't have a chance. It will only drag it out longer. Or should I give it time and hope that he gets the help he needs.

He uses such finality as to why he's walking away from the marriage. Reasons like "I will not be a good mother." We are fundementally wrong for each other. He is "in love" with someone else (someone who he has met online via a cancer support group and has NEVER met in person).

So I seek advice on how to treat him while we untangle our lives so I do not keep getting hurt over and over again. I was seeking validation that what he was doing is wrong, irrational and his reasons were untrue. These boundaries everyone speaks of...what are they? I've started to take control and to email him that how he is treating me is not OK. That it is not OK to just walk away from a marriage and have an emotional affair. I have refrained from becoming angry because deep down, I know something so much more is going on that what he is saying.

I feel like a piece of garbage that he's just casting aside and has no emotion about it. He's leaving me. Has been having an emotional affair, has said such hurtful things about our past loving relationship like it was all a lie - but in the end, he's the one walking out and blaming me as he goes.

In the end..how do I accept and let go?

Should I at least pass on what I know to be true of his behavior and PTSD to his family? He has them all "fooled" that his mental state is fine. If only they knew what he says to me. It is far from fine.

This resonates with me...
'PTSD played a major role in him leaving, he is now not the man I knew....I had no choice but to move on. This is something new carers coming here in despair really have to think about...."when is it time for me to move on" cause we know and a new carer should really understand is that no matter how much we try to help them, ultimately it is up to them."

But how do you move on? And what if he's not getting the proper help. Do I just walk away from him still?

Thx for any advice on this. The more I read, the more I understand. It's just all so tragic.

 

[amethist]

Hi ptsdwife

I am not going to add much to what has already been posted, except that Frankie is maybe the the best to give advice of how a PTSD separation/divorce can be lived through.

The only time I would pass this on to his family is when they start blaming you for the break up, and he wont tell them the truth. Even then be careful, as he will probably deny it all, to anyone who asks him. Maybe your own family should be told first, at least then you will have support for yourself

You ask "When is it time to move on", that is your decision, but my advice would be, "BEFORE IT DESTROYS YOUR SOUL". Sorry if that sounds harsh, it is not meant that way, more a statement of truth. I am one of the lucky one's as our marriage is so far as solid as it was before PTSD invaded our lives, it has not been easy and there will still be hard times ahead, but we work together and my husband is now doing all he can to get back as much as he can. But there have been a few times in the past few years when I had made plans to leave, not because he was being hurtful or mean to me, just that it got too much to cope with at that time.

We are all here whenever you need to yell, cry whatever, as we do understand your heart ache.

Take good care of you, it is important for your own mental health.

Amethist

 

[Nicolette]

Hi ptsdwife. I have moved your post and Amethist's reply to a thread of its own and as it not directly related to the thread you posted in and you will have a better chance of getting a response when it is not amongst a different topic - about new members coming here out of desperation.

 

[Cin]

Hey PTSDwife,

I know this is going to sound a bit harsh, but I think you should be grateful for the finality. He is giving you closure the only way he can. My BF will end it, then come back. The process just keeps repeating itself. I know I have to be the strong one and say enough is enough, but I don't know how to let go when he won't too. Makes me feel like a bloody weakling, but knowing he loves me, wants me and needs to know I'm there keeps me here. Its the epitomy of an unhealthy relationship, but we truly love each other.

Anyway, I just think, if he gave me the no bullshit, its done, over with and didn't flip flop, I could cement in my head that this isn't going anywhere.

Just my opinion.

 

[pstdwife]

Thanks for providing a different take on this Cin,

I'm getting finality but not closure or honest explanations. In one breath he's claiming his mental health is perfectly fine in another he's stating he has panic attacks, fear, & anxiety. Maybe I'm naive but I want the chance to help him. To understand. To be let in. I love him so, so much. I can't just turn those feelings off. I'm trying to differentiate between who he was and what we had and who he is now and the fact that our future is no longer. He's unbelievably convincing that he's ending the marriage for a host of other reasons that pretty much blame me. It's the biggest mind puzzle I've ever been stuck in.

I'm sorry you're guy comes in and out. That has to be super frustrating too. Thanks for your honestly.

ptsdwife

 

[Cin]

It's funny that you call it a puzzle. I gave mine a Rubik's cube for Christmas, I told him it reminded me of his mind, a puzzle and just when I thought I had it figured out, one twist and it would be unsolved.

I know the frustration of not being able to turn those feelings off, I can only imagine its the same for them and the feelings and thoughts they have due to the PTSD. I know my guy disappears/shuts me out to "protect me". He is all too familiar with the acid tongue he develops when the darkness takes over. It is what he needs to do, whether I like it or not and he knows he is hurting me, he knows it is hard for me but won't allow himself to say things to me that he doesn't mean and will end up regretting.

I can only guess that your husband would be exhibiting his own ways of protecting you and himself from causing further damage, it may not be rational, nothing about PTSD is, from what I can tell, but I know from my own experience, applying pressure makes it worse and sometimes you just have to agree with them and give them what they want. Let them live with their decisions for a while and see where they end up, they are going to do what they need to do regardless of what we want them to do.

 

[Nicolette]

I am really struggling with just letting go. I can't help but feel that I should try and do something to help him.

Hi ptsdwife.

I really wish I could say some encouraging words to lift your hope and your spirit but I can't. Unfortunately PTSD is what it is and it doesn't make sense - with the ones being hurt the most being the ones who love the Sufferers.

Firstly I will point out the old saying "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink". If your husband doesn't want to help himself how can he take help from anyone including you? The best way you can help him is look after yourself as this is paramount.

Letting go is a process which takes time and is usually rather painful. There is no rule and each situation is different. What you can control is how you deal with it.

While I can't give you any answers I will ask you to do this.....if you take PTSD out of the question and go back and read your initial post as if someone else posted it..........what would you say to them? You have the answers within you (we all do) but it takes a lot of strength and courage to sometimes face them.

Good luck.

 

[Frankie]

Hi ptsdwife,

Yes, it is hard to let go....but sometimes that is what needs to be done. Not only for your welfare but I truly think also for the one who is suffering. Has it been easy for me these past few months ? No, it hasn't......but I am getting much better. Do I feel guilty for letting him go ? At the beginning...definitely, all I would think was "He is sick, how can I abandon him ??" . But we have to remember that the choices they make are theirs to make. When one minute they say they love us ....and then forget about who we are.....they are making the decisions to act that way. We have to take a stand and take care of our wellbeing and happiness. It takes time ptsdwife, but you have to do what is best for you.

For a while you did what was best for your husband and for you.....but if he cant' realize and if he can't get the help he needs and if he doesn't realize how it has affected the relationship......there is really nothing you can do. PTSD sufferers do not always think the way we do. "Normal" for them is not the normal we know. I always said that if you are involved with someone that has PTSD your whole lifestyle changes....you have to be prepared for the ups and downs..that sometimes, and for some very often, that come without prior notice.

I know, I ripped my head apart trying to make my exbf understand that it could work, that I loved him and would support him.....tried to explain why what he was doing was hurting the relationship.....to no avail.....And all the while it was ripping my heart apart.

Yes, it worked for a bit and then we were back to square one......My sanity was suffering, I was always unhappy, sad, hurt....I loved him and what he was doing hurt....hurt a lot....and I know it hurt him too. I had to let go for me and for him. PTSD is a mental disorder.....some he can take in his own hands and make efforts......some he needs professional help.

Do I still love my exbf.....I still have feelings for him, yes....mostly the wonderful memories are what is the hardest to let go. But I am moving on, looking forward to a tomorrow where I will meet someone that will be able to give me all I need and want. And as much as I was ready to be with my exbf, always, grow old with him...and support him completely......I will want a relationship where I can be partners in all aspects of our relationship.

ptsdwife....if you want to talk more, feel free to send me a PM....I might not come on the forum as much as I used to....but I will reply to any PM's I receive.

Please take care of you....and whatever decision you make, make peace with yourself and with your decision.

Frankie

 

[Frankie]

Amethist, you are right, and I appreciate the fact you saying I could be the one that can talk about the "letting go" in a relationship, cause you know, like many here do, that is what I had to do. And that is why I still come here, so maybe my experience can be of help to others.

I am maybe one of the few that did eventually did let go....even though still loving my sufferer and he in turn loving me....that is what makes it extremely hard to reach and go ahead with that decision. I titled my last thread here "The Hardest Thing I Ever Had To Do" and it still holds true today....almost 6 months later.


"I know this is going to sound a bit harsh, but I think you should be grateful for the finality. He is giving you closure the only way he can. My BF will end it, then come back. The process just keeps repeating itself. I know I have to be the strong one and say enough is enough, but I don't know how to let go when he won't too. Makes me feel like a bloody weakling, but knowing he loves me, wants me and needs to know I'm there keeps me here. Its the epitomy of an unhealthy relationship, but we truly love each other."

Cin, I hear what you are saying, It is so much easier to say to ourserves "he didn't say he doesn't want to see my anymore" he didn't say "I don't want you in my life" and he is saying "I love you, I need you"..........yes cin, he ends it and always comes back to you and yes I understand totally what you are feeling. My exbf when he left almost 2 years ago in August, left crying and saying he loved me. Then the nightmare began in October (2 months after he left) of him coming back...and leaving....not mad, not upset.....always leaving saying he loved me and he needed me........but dissappearing for 2 or 3 months...and the pattern began all over again.

No closure, no finality.......he always came back....and I enabled him. Very unhealthy relationship.....took me months to finally say "enough".......yes, it was hard....I will say it over and over again. It is not a decision made lightly. We loved each other very much and what we had was very special....

Last October I saw him for the weekend...we spent a wonderful weekend together, I thought things would work this time...when he left that weekend, we were happy....and I had hope.......One month later still no contact from him....and that is when I finally realized that nothing changed and nothing would change.....

I always took him back and that enabled him to continue with the pattern....it was up to me to end it. As I already said here on my last thread "I don't want to be his once in a while....when he feels like it woman" ....I deserve better.......I deserve more. We all do :)

After my nightmare began.......I also had to wonder....did he truly love me ? or was the idea of me, that I would always be there....whenever he wanted...no nagging, no stressing him.....just waiting for him to come back...always..........and again I enabled him to do so. Or he did love me but in a very unhealthy way.

Cin, hope things are better for you....I would never say to you "stop taking him back"...All I really know is that sometimes, we can't wait for them to give us closure or a finality....it might never come. Mine never came....but I had to end it even thinking he loved me and with no closure on his part.

Are you prepared to continue this way ? For how long ? Only you will know the answer.

Please take care of you !

frankie