How Do I Shut Myself Up?

[Leah123]

I think I might be really anxious lately, without hardly realizing it, because I can't seem to stop writing my therapist. I'm having a hard time coping lately, it's been a very full, overwhelming two weeks.

On top of my regular workload, which is 60 hours a week + full time college + being a mother and wife with lots of family obligations, I did some heavy duty trauma work followed by a week long visit by my mother and step-father (not good company for me at all) and then topped it off by being the victim in a hit and run car accident last week, one day after they left.

Beyond that, I've been sleeping terribly the last two weeks, between frequent waking, intrusive thoughts, nightmares and struggling to find time, I'm desperately short on rest and just alternating between numb/dissociated, crying and really reactive/defensive/angry because I can't handle the sensory overload right now.

Last Monday, a couple days after the accident, I felt suicidal, which is about as bad as it gets for me, and I'm slowly improving. I've been beyond exhausted, and trying to take good care of myself.

So... lately, I've been writing my therapist almost every day. She says she does not mind, I'm not too much for her, and if I were, she would tell me and we'd work through it. I am paying for all the contact and time, of course, so... it's not that, although I have to watch the overspending on therapy at some point soon, because debt stresses me out too, sigh.

What do y'all think? I wish I knew some magic words to make me feel better, safer, calmer, and to give myself time to process everything without worrying about it. Instead... I want to share everything with her and I'm hoping she can help make me feel better somehow.

I don't know if that's a bad thing or a good thing. I'm not just relying on her, though I'm probably relying on her a lot. I'm also trying hard to get extra sleep, it's just not working, to clear the energy in my home, relax, slow down a little, and do calming things like listen to relaxation tapes. I even purchased a small statue of the Buddhist deity, Quan Yin, goddess of compassion and mercy, to remind myself to have some, because I never do, lol.

Have you ever been so tired you couldn't tell absurd from profound? That's how I feel now. So tired and muddled I hardly know which end is up sometimes.

 

[PinkSugar]

Your story and strength is amazing! I have no magic words for you, but hearing how much you've been through is inspiring. I don't know about your religious views but when I'm at my max and I feel like i'm going to combust I recite the serenity prayer. (I'm not very Christian at all). Some times life gives us hard hard days, weeks, or months, and having PTSD makes what would be a hard week nearly impossible. Just know you are positively fantastic for doing what you do. I couldn't. Make sure never to punish yourself for feeling like you need help, that only creates guilt which compounds the problem. (Maybe write your therapist an email and don't send it, Just to see if the venting is enough regardless if she reads it)

Best of Luck!
Emm

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

In reference to your title; I don't think you should shut yourself up. Keeping talking and work through it. If writing to your therapist helps then keep at it.

 

[Leah123]

I wrote her an email about my grammas today, they're both no longer with me, and I'm missing them terribly right now, in the midst of this difficult couple of weeks. I told her about just wanting a hug from my gramma and asked her what she'd say & do if I were in her office, then. (We do online therapy.) She said some reassuring things... but I was hoping she'd offer a hug.

She emailed me back and said we should talk about my gramma's hugs tomorrow because we have a chat scheduled, and I emailed her back, saying I didn't want to discuss anything so close to the heart anymore... I told her I'd wanted her to stand in, then sent a follow up to clarify, I just wanted some comfort, a hug, and I felt very stupid and ridiculous for asking.

She then went offline and I did not hear back. I feel horrid, rejected and ashamed.

 

[Fart Smella]

Leah, maybe your therapist thinks that your hugs should come from your hubby or your child/children. Don't feel stupid, ridiculous, rejected or ashamed, it's probably just a misunderstanding.

You should seek clarification from your therapist during the chat session you have arranged.

 

[Abstract]

Leah, this may not be helpful so please disregard if it isn't but I am wondering if it might help you to just work on stabilisation for a little while rather than more processing. Does your t have an opinion about that?

I know that sometimes when that has been suggested I have just felt misunderstood as the stuff is spilling out in every direction but thought I would ask.

I think we can head down a spiral to a very scary place if we are not careful and can be consumed by the past. Its a difficult balancing act.

 

[Leah123]

Thanks all. Yes, I did seek clarification and pray that it was just bad timing that she logged off, and the morning will bring some relief.

I actually have stated to her for the last couple weeks that after my mother's visit, I wanted to work strictly on stabilization. I needed to slow down a little and just take baby steps for a while, work on concrete, managable steps to stay grounded, and tools to deal with symptoms in the here and now.

I have felt very out of control lately, though, and it's been a tremendous struggle to do that, to pace myself and go slowly- but she and I both agree it's a good idea... hopefully today can be a settling day. I REALLY need one. Things seemed to be inching toward better, I'm afraid I got derailed wanting that stupid hug, sigh, I'm very much hoping it works out and I can just settle down, stop being so anxious about it.

 

[Abstract]

Hoping it all starts settling a bit Leah. You have had a lot on recently. I am glad that you and t have a plan for settling things down and making you safe again.

Your gandma's sound wonderful... You deserve many hugs.

 

[Grace M]

Regarding that miserable feeling when you don't get what you want:
Lately, I've noticed something I do when I feel very shaky, needy, stressed, anxious, and unsure. A more stable voice in my head tells me "say what you want, say specifically what you require from the other person" and I spit out the words.

I guess it's my tendency to express my bad feelings, say I'm terribly anxious and leave it to chance what the response is from the other person. Sometimes I'm calm and rational, and in those times if someone else says to me how they're feeling I listen and don't have too much to say. So, I put the 2 things together and decided to say what I want.

In your situation, if you want a hug, you could ask for a hug. My T would do backflips if I ever asked for a hug. LOL.

If you say "I miss grandma's hugs" I would guess you'd get someone asking what your grandma was like for you. There isn't a natural leap to "ok, let me give you a hug" unless they're those rabidly huggy people who leap at chance to give hugs to any and all. :)

Your therapist has already told you that if you are writing "too much" then she will tell you. You can leave that in her hands, then. If it's too much for you however, then you can write less. If you are uncomfortable, feeling vulnerable, increasing your anxiety, you have a choice to hold back some. That may be horrible advice for a therapeutic situation. Seems like they want us to stir things up! I can suggest that if you are still not sure what constitutes "too much" that you can talk about that with her in person.

You're doing a lot. It's a bumpy ride. You are brave to attempt so much. Kudos to you.

 

[Leah123]

Aww, thanks so much for replying Grace. I never did upate this thread, but I did ask her for a hug after a bit and she sent me a big one with the reassurance that I could have a (virtual) hug any time I asked for one. You're absolutely right that I simply wasn't being clear in the moment. I am often quite articulate about what I want, but... the more I'm struggling and feeling vulnerable or hurt, well, the harder it gets. I'm making progress though, and it's easier as our therapeutic relationship grows too. Thanks again for your kind words and good advice. :) It is a super bumpy ride lately- she says that's a normal part of recovering from PTSD and I'm trying hard to believe her.