I've been that way these past 5 years. Before I knew I was abused as badly as I know now, I had found a woman I loved completely, we hugged often, and there was not a day wasted apart when I was home from missions, there were moments that we had been apart for long durations that we would stay awake for two days.
We'd go to midnight matinees, 24 hour stores, just to enjoy the company of each other not knowing what tomorrow might bring. We had bought a home together, I was settling in as a civilian and the man of the house for once. I didn’t rule the home like my father did!
After I lost Linda my world came tumbling down on me, I turned to drinking often to cope, lost 8 jobs from doing so.
Left the area we had our home because it was just too painful. Became homeless, and didn’t mind it one bit.
Took 5 years to get myself back on my feet again, I was still troubled (And to this day still am) from the loss of Linda and Julia my unborn daughter. I wasn’t as bad as an alcoholic as I was on the streets, but I still drank to forget, and drank to get rest from dreams.
Down hard on myself one evening and had more than plenty to drink I drove myself into a telephone pole with the full intentions to leave this world. (And yes I'm still mad with the doctors for saving my life!)
Long story short, with rehabilitation and a trip to Slovakia for a radical surgery I can walk with a limp, I still fall over on occasions, and my balance is far out of whack! I try to forgive my trespassers but it is hard, to me to "forgive" I have to completely free them of what was done, that I cannot do.
I know it is what makes me so different from others, it is why when I am in the same area of overweight females I am cautious, alert, and very timid. (My fear of mom!) When I come in contact with men that are overbearingly dominate, I become irritated and very defensive (Reminds me of dad and his rules).
I went to a vo-tech at the age of 28 to learn HVAC/R, started working for a company in the HVAC field, I remarried to a woman that respected me and my difficulties, however through time, I realized the relationship was detrimental to our health (mainly because I would become so depressed and raw that she didn’t know when to stop, I had thoughts of murder/suicide several times).
I look at my past and I feel I have done at least everything I could, I feel as though I have accomplished the tasks I have set for myself (Some more than once). There are times when I am down hard I can still hear him yelling at me, "You’re a worthless piece of ****! You’ll amount to nothing!" I look at my bank accounts and I see it clearly, I get ridiculed by the g/f for not saving any money, and spending too much; even though I put 1/2 of my paycheck in savings every paycheck. Things come up that call for me to take money from savings.
I see how much I have let her down, and myself. I see how much he was right, and I was wrong in trying to prove him wrong. I see how much I am still a servant to others. I work my butt off and get nowhere, and with the g/f no job will satisfy her, she doesn’t want me doing plumbing service when it’s a trade I like. I cannot make her see how happy it makes me. It drags me down, that she cannot understand that I am happy with it. I see it as a job considering there’s plenty of folks out there without jobs. And my track record for the last 2 years scares the hell out of me 6 jobs in 2 years!
My current job is the first one in the last 3 that I have had for longer than 6 months, she’s pushing me to change jobs, I can’t tell her no from the fear she will leave so I put in apps, take interviews, then tell them I can’t be on roofs due to my balance issues (Current employer understands it), pretty much kills the job right there. Besides I like the fact I don’t have to shave and dress up to go to work.
Its 4am I am scared because I sent her a message telling her she needs to quite pushing me, and that neither she nor anyone else will ever "Stand on me!" It pissed me off when she said it! Father always said it before he would_________! I'm scared she is going to excommunicate me! I'm just downright scared.
I know my mind and its thoughts and my bodies reactions to those thoughts, they have been extremely strong since she said it, and extremely strong since I've been thinking of buying a gun again. My rashes are over taking my body from head to feet.
