How do you manage to live without something that regulates you?

[somerandomguy]

I remain unregulated.

Well, that's certainly honest. ?

Guess I owe everyone an update, and thank you to everyone who replied. Toddler is here and adorable, and we've got a court date for a custody hearing scheduled. Lack of sex has honestly not been an issue yet, but of course this is only Day Four.

I remember reading someplace that having a kid slashes the amount of testosterone a man makes and adds extra oxytocin. I hope that maybe that's true. But honestly right now I'm either too busy to think about sex, too anxious to think about sex, or both.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Trial and error. I just have to keep experimenting until I find it. Right now it's yoga and elephants. No idea what it might be once those wear off

So Freida, do your activities change for regulation (elephants and yoga) to something else? Like do they wear out and you move on to something else?

 

[candor]

What do you do if you can suddenly not do an activity that helps keep you regulated?

I'd negotiate with my partner if there was something involving touching that could be done such as exchanging massage or just light back scratching... I also deregulate with love-making and it is completely normal and natural. Have you considered a full body massage? Would that give pleasure or create more frustration for you?

 

[katz]

For me it’s sewing. I get lost in the rhythm of it but also choose quite complex patterns so I have to concentrate. The one I’m working on has 100 tiny x stitches per centimetre. The final size is 2 x2.5 metres it will take years to complete...I know if I can’t see I need external support to get balanced again x

I also sew sometimes. Buy lately, it has been crocheting. I like that it is quiet, so I can do it anywhere and not bother anyone. I can easily take it with me anywhere also. It really doesn't matter what I make, I just make squares (washcloths-to give away) or even scarfs to donate. As long as it feels good to me, no matter what I make. I prefer working without a pattern, so I don't have to worry about following any instructions. Just a few minutes a day helps me a lot. Very quiet and soothing.

 

[HealingInProcess]

Find something that can take your attention for a good long while. I'm buying legos (and for some reason, blasting that fact all over the site) but it's a fun activity that is fun for kids and adults and can take your attention for hours. Try it when feeling deregulated and see how you feel. Experiment. Think outside of the box (which is how I got to the legos thought to begin with).

I also love Legos.

 

[blackemerald1]

but of course this is only Day Four.

omg this cracked me up... SRG so far it's not an issue? :hilarious: :) What will happen if you stopped counting the days?

I swim - well I do when I've got a pool handy & have the time.

 

[somerandomguy]

SRG so far it's not an issue? :hilarious::) What will happen if you stopped counting the days?

I don't understand this response or why what I said was funny?

Anyway, today I feel like it is, in fact, starting to become an issue. I'm noticing that I'm starting to do the things I do when I start feeling deprived - crankiness, angry responses towards my partner, defensiveness at perceived criticism, jealousy directed at other couples. I need to get it together before I go into a tailspin.

 

[Chris-duck]

Okay. What else eases it a bit? Yoga? Something energetic? Some other form of intimacy?

 

[Sideways]

I need to get it together before I go into a tailspin.

Can’t tailspin with a toddler around.

Work through your coping strategies more broadly. You miss this particular, incredibly helpful and effective regulation strategy a whole lot. And that makes sense.

But it’s not your only coping strategy. It’s not the only thing that keeps you regulated. Definitely it would feel that way now that it’s gone. But when you say things like
“This is my regulation strategy”, as though it’s the only one? That’s a cognitive distortion.

What are the other things in your life, and your routine (especially your routine) that keep you regulated?

Perhaps also giving some credit to the fact that: holy cow, we suddenly have a toddler to look after, and court dates, and...and...and...”
That’s kind of a big deal, yeah? So give yourself a high five, because you didn’t fall in a heap or flee the country or do a tonne of other dysfunctional ptsd things that would probably have felt more comfortable in the moment. Awesome job with the coping skills, right? Maybe you didn’t need this one particular strategy to stay regulated as much as you thought? Maybe it isn’t that powerful - maybe you’re just a lot more regulated than you give yourself credit for.

 

[Juso]

I am trying to find out why the absence of something triggers me so badly, meaning I am trying to find out the underlying issue. Usually I am angry/sad/frustrated because of a lack that I experienced consistently during my childhood and that I am now reminded of. So I am trying to connect those feelings to the memory that they actually belong to in order to be able to direct them correctly towards their original source (and not at the wrong people).

This allows me to work through them properly. Sometimes I am able to grieve, sometimes I am screaming at someone who hurt me back then (without them being physically there of course), sometimes I am writing furiously into my (real life) diary.

I find supressing or distracting myself usually will not work, it will always end in overwhelming dysregulation and then probably self harm.

 

[somerandomguy]

It turns out I don't have time for any of my strategies, or I am too frazzled - not just the one I posted about. Yoga? I can't get away. Meditation was always supposed to be a strategy in theory, but I've never done it consistently or well and now it's impossible to relax. Exercise? I can't get away. That's all I've got. I'm also trying very hard to not start my maladaptive strategies, because I'm not sure if I'll be able to stop if I start those.

I feel like I am nothing but a parent now. I don't know how long that's going to last or if that's all I'm going to be or do for the foreseeable future.

Oh, and if you find this to be just hilarious, please keep it to your own damn self. I'm happy to hear advice. I'm not so happy to be a figure of fun.

 

[Kubash16]

Give it some more time :hug: breathe.