How Do You Respond To The The 'why' Question?

[fly away home]

Yesterday I had an appointment with the physio to help with neck/shoulder pain/tension. I'd been referred by my GP so it stated PTSD on the referral. It was a good, very helpful etc but then at the end she just out and asked my what caused my PTSD.

Aaahhhhh! I was struck dumb. My mouth was moving but no words came out. My brain said calm down, now is when you just lie, tell a lie, but then I couldn't remember the truth, I couldn't even remember why I have PTSD which is crazy! I start racking my brains thinking what happened to me...no car accident...no war....not kidnapped etc. I cant remember what happened to me. FREAKING OUT!!!!

Finally I form the words, very shaky and with a stammer, 'sorry I just find it really hard to talk about it' whilst almost hyperventilating. The urge to run out of there was unbelievable. Has taken me till now to calm down enough to post, and ask others...How do you respond? Especially in a situation where its not a welcome question (probably never is). We had covered all past injuries so it wasnt relevant to the consult. Diagnosis is new to me and I feel like a need a pre prepared answer if this happens again. Does it bother you when people ask or is it rare for people to actually ask. I'm kind of shocked at the insensitivity from someone who works in health, I expected more even though she is a brilliant physio, I'm scared to go back next week.

 

[Only 1 of me]

Hi flyaway, hope you are feeling better now. I've had this a couple of times now and I have a few answers up my sleeve depending on the situation. It sounds like you handled it well, you weren't pressured into telling anything and you gave a firm but clear no answer so well done. Some people are just nosy, some want to understand so it's good to think about how you respond and what you want.

If I've been brave enough to tell someone I have got PTSD then I will consider telling the truth or an appropriate non detailed version eg. 'I have had multiple traumas so it's a complicated story'. If I'm pissed off or angry I will just walk away. It helped me to think about it in advance and have a few answers I could give for when I went back to work after almost a year off sick.

 

[Kintsugi]

I realize that this is probably REALLY offensive to a lot of members, and I apologize in advance if I hurt someone or minimize their experience by sharing. But this is what I always do.

I'm 22. So when someone asks and I don't want to tell them, I just give them a big sweet "Not something I'm gonna answer" smile and say with a shrug, "'Nam."

At best they just drop it. At worse they give a nervous laugh.

Another go-to phrase for me is, "Well, it isn't exactly polite dinner conversation."

Something I've said a couple of times is "You go first. What's the darkest, most disturbing and devastating experience you've had?" But that's if I know them enough to know they'll realize I'm telling them off.

Something you could do the next time you go is just say at the beginning or the end, "I don't know if you have experience with others who have this disorder, but I think it is a violation of boundaries to ask someone such a personal question that is obviously linked to so much pain."

Good luck! I can't tell you not to be, but I wish you weren't scared. YOU are the client receiving a service from a professional. You didn't cross a boundary. You didn't go outside the scope of your direct duties with someone you effectively work for by asking a very personal and inappropriate question. You came to receive a service from someone who is hopefully effective, knowledgable, and professional. It is not your faux pas to be ashamed of. And you might be able to stop that kind of insensitive questioning from happening in the future in that workplace.

Edit: another thought that I think would be maybe more effective. You could be very bare-bones and clinical and just say, "I have post-traumatic stress disorder because I survived a traumatic event [or events] that resulted in my brain being permanently altered by the experience." I have told at least one person that I have PTSD "Because I'm post-trauma, stressed, and disordered!"

 

[Lionheart]

I will tell a person that I have PTSD (on a need-to-know basis) and if they ask why I have it, I will say "trauma" or "childhood trauma" depending on; who they are, why they need to know, and my trust level at the time.

I don't generally tell them I have severe multiple childhood traumas that include sexual abuse, brutal molestation etc., etc. unless it is a therapist I am working with and I trust them.

It is appropriate, at times, to say things like, "I don't want to talk about that," ..."I don't want to divulge that information", or ..."it's personal,", "it's private", .."I don't want to go into that." etc.

When a person does not have a need to know, are strangers, are being nosy, or I simply do not trust them, I will not answer them and/or I will walk away as if I haven't heard. Then again, if a person is being pushy about wanting to know, I will just flat tell them that it is none of their business! Again, for me, it depends on who the person is, why they need to know, and the level of trust.

 

[fly away home]

Ahhhhh, miss anti sunshine, thank you, you made me laugh! Only wish I had the gall to say any of those things, and so true, I should not feel scared but I am terrified and not very good at standing up got myself.

And lion heart I am cursing myself for apologising to her because I couldn't tell the truth. There are legal reasons why I can't just talk about what happened but even giving that as a response could lead people to make assumptions. Such an awkward moment.

Only 1 of me, yes I think I need to formulate several responses for differing situations and people. Even practice then at home so I feel confidant swaying it. Its hard, I was very much put in the spot, guess its something to get used to...

 

[rightkindofme]

I'm sorry you felt pressured. I talk about my PTSD freely. I choose to be "out" but that is not a choice everyone has to make. When someone asks me why I have PTSD I say, "Because the first 25 years of my life were an unbelievable nightmare. Want details?" I ask in a perky voice and 9/10 times people become intimidated and back away slowly.

I mostly deal with having PTSD by being a somewhat scary person. I no longer seem like a good potential victim because I am mean and violent and totally ok with that. It has a lot of other pitfalls.

I'm sorry you felt upset about being asked. I tend to believe it is ok for people to ask any question they want. That does not obligate me to answer... But I would rather people ask than wonder. :)

 

[bell]

I just look at people funny, to be honest. Hoping that they'll understand the ridiculousness of their question. If they then don't get it, I just say "some not-so-cool things happened to me." Then I leave it at that and continue the discussion.

If they were to press, I think I would just say "leave it" and continue talking about something else.

If they were to ask a third time? That's never happened, but if it did, I'd like to think I would say "it's not up for discussion, unless you'd like to tell me about something that happened to you that was so bad you couldn't leave your house without having a panic attack." Or some other weirdo symptom that most of the population doesn't ever have to worry about.

The way I see it, there's zero reason to get into what happened to you, because they haven't earned that right, having just met you. Knowing such private information about someone is earned, and shouldn't be expected to be freely doled out like your own name. I hope you go back next week, as it sounds they they were a good physio, and sorry you had that experience!

 

[eav]

I am also new to this, what I tell people depends on what they need to know, and honestly, how I feel on the day they ask.

My primary care physician wanted to know what happened...which I guess is info that could be helpful? I'm still not sure if I said the right thing. I just said sexual abuse when I was a teenager, which is not a full answer, but the full answer would take all day! It seemed to me that he was just satisfying his own curiosity, and I didn't want to give him any more information. After I answered, he said some really awkward things about how he hopes I feel better, and seemed really clueless about PTSD. I still feel like I shouldn't have told him.

I've had this for decades, but have been in denial up until about the past year. Lots of somatic symptoms no one could explain, strange behavior in those years that makes perfect sense now. I had to tell my mom a few weeks ago, and the first thing she asked was how long have I had it. In other words, she wanted to know what event caused it. I changed the subject and didn't answer. She is old and sick, I live far away from her. No reason to make her feel guilty now, I decided.

My neighbor and friend asked me bluntly what caused it, and I told her a stripped down version of the truth, no details. I told her, quite honestly, that talking about it triggers me. Other less close friends, I don't even give the stripped down version to, I just tell them that talking triggers me.

Honestly, I have to type up the worst events and send them to my therapist--I just have no voice when it comes to talking about it.

 

[Venusian]

I am wondering if the physiotherapist wanted to know because it could have been relevant to the treatment. A lot of times the cause of our PTSD leaves physical scars. I don't tell a lot of people except for medical people. Right now I am trying to find the reason for a lot of pain I am having and the test results are showing that there are a lot of internal scars from a childhood trauma, scars that I didn't know I had. Also, the physio involves a lot of touching and the therapist could have had experience with other people that have PTSD that did not react well to some of the necessary physical contact.

And to answer your question, if someone asks that I don't want to tell I just say "Its a long story," and they usually back off.

 

[Seasounds]

Fly Away Home, so very sorry, for that unexpected, invasive, unnecessary, and badly timed question-that came after you had your guard down, after you had relaxed while getting physio.

PTSD is a psychiatric and psychological diagnosis. Physio and Physical Therapists don't need to know about it. You may benefit from talking to the manager, about this incident, so it doesn't happen to anyone else, and so the physio therapist gets feedback from their superior.

Like mentioned in an above reply to this post, the only time it would ever be necessary to mention PTSD is if your treatment was a result of a lawsuit. And it would only have to be mentioned at the first treatment; from that point on, the staff should not ask questions, because it is none of their business. ( I wonder now if the person who asked you the question was dealing with their own PTSD.)

I only speak of PTSD when I think it is pertinent. My very first experience at Physical Therapy, was one that prompted me to disclose I had PTSD, to the PT Manager. A PT spoke to me in such a manner (very robotic, not relating to me) that it triggered flashbacks. I, physically and mentally, froze and was unable to comprehend the PT's directions.

After years of working with the Alexander Technique (a movement technique), I knew I was capable of following movement directions, if I was related to, as a person, instead of an object. Since talking to the PT Manager, I've found two PTs in the office, with whom I successfully work; they relate to me as a person, which helps me relax, because I know they are may be capable of 'listening' to my feedback and they may be skilled enough to 'respect' me.

So glad you made it through the mistake that the physio person made, and so glad you talked about this. You are smart!

 

[DMerish]

Hi Flyaway,

I've been in situations where my thoughts and tongue freezes after someone's asked me a question, and I just hate it. I think everyone has that experience sometimes including non-PTSDers - so please don't beat yourself up over how you responded.

I'm the type of person that is curious about all sorts of things and if something really catches my interest I want to understand about it deeply. Like Rightkindofme, I tend to believe all questions are okay: there are no private questions, only private answers. I hid from answering anyone except my therapist and GP for years and years mostly to protect others and myself - to provide the appearance that everything was "normal". Doing so was a lot of work . . . for me, lying about anything involves more internal work so I don't do it.

Anyhoo, answering any question is an opportunity to exercise YOUR power. As Venusian mentioned, the medical personnel may have been inquisitive because the answer could effect future treatment. Or his/her question may have come simply from curiosity. It's often an entire mystery why someone asks a question.

I nearly always answer the person's question with a question: "Why do you ask?" Their answer provides me with a measure of how much I'll provide details. If their answer doesn't seem reasonable to me, then I'll simply say (nicely) "I'm not comfortable talking about it with you." - sometimes I'll add "at this time" - knowing that in the future what I've been through may be relevant to our relationship. At other times, when I'm comfortable with answering the person, I'll provide a very short simple answer that usually satisfies the questioner. In your case, Flyaway, you could simply say something like "For legal reasons, I'm unable to talk about it."

Yes - think about a few scenarios that might occur and how you'd respond, knowing all the while YOU are the one with the power to answer, in what detail, or to not answer at all! :hug:

Drew

 

[Venator]

My staple for work lately (because I'm a professional driver) is "It's not polite conversation, I'm afraid - I just felt you should know about the condition," or I say "Non-Combat"

For instance during training I was very anxious and having heart palpitations - partially from anxiety and partially from drinking 4 cups of coffee on an empty stomach. Someone caught on to my anxiety behaviors though and I explained I had PTSD.