How Does Your T Support You?

[NightSky]

@erigby I've been with this T for a year and a half. I understand now that therapeutic relationship is important. I'm just not sure I understand what it is supposed to look like. So I feel like the last year and a half has been me giving her information about my traumas mostly via emails and some talking, and a lot of talking about day to day anxieties etc and building a relationship. Sort of. But it doesn't last in my mind from one session to the next. For me. I always feel in one sense like she's close to me and in another sense she's a stranger. So I can't seem to relax the on guard part of me that feels like she's a stranger. This probably makes no sense. I can't even work it out myself.
So I don't know what to ask for that would feel supportive. But what you say about texting your T those questions- that sounds like if would be so helpful. I just have to get to a place where I'm not humiliated to ask those kinds of questions. Thanks for that idea!

 

[erigby]

@erigby I've been with this T for a year and a half. I understand now that therapeu...

The stranger thing makes perfect sense.
I have struggled with something similar.
I have spent so much time talking about day to day anxiety until I just got tired of it. Hell...everybody deals with that shit right?
So...I realized there was more to it...and it wasn't going to get addressed unless I brought it up.
I believe now good Ts working with trauma are not going to push until they are sure the client/patient is ready.
My T has been following my lead all along.
In my case, it was my wanting to please and not disappoint my T that held me back.
Only recently did I realize it.
My understanding is the therapeutic relationship looks different for everyone. For me it is paramount to be able to trust no matter what I say or do...my T is not going to abandon me.
I worry about this all the time...the abandonment thing...that's one of my issues.
From what I gather so far...and I feel really lucky...part of therapy is about rewiring some of those really bad understandings of what a healthy relationship looks like.

Asking for specific ways others can help is terrifying...for me it was all about vulnerability.
My T asks me again and again when I tell him I am embarrassed..."how long do you need to be embarrassed?"
I am beginning to believe...good Ts (and it sounds like you have one) are really there to meet us where we are...wherever that is.
Whatever you think might be holding you back, I hope you will decide its worth the risk.
It is scary to put ourselves out there...especially after having been disappointed by so many (in my case anyway).
It sounds like your T is really looking for your input...and genuinely wants to help.
I hope you will decide to take the leap.
And a leap it is.
My hope for you is that you will find yourself in a place where you can let those feelings of humiliation fall away.
I still struggle with those...but the more I let go...the more I see how this whole therapy thing works.

You are worth it.
From what I gather from your posts...your T seems to think so to.
Its never perfect...but I do believe its worth a try.

 

[Lissar]

My T will sometimes write me handwritten encouraging notes to take with me after a session. I also recently finally got the guts to ask her to leave me a voicemail message that I can listen to while panicking. That has helped immensely. I too just feel alone, despite having people in my life I'm close to. It's like what they say just doesn't sink in, and I don't understand why I just keep feeling isolated. But the notes and voicemails do seem to break through it a bit, at least sometimes.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes my memory too @Lissar is -what's the word?- mistrusts, 'crashes'/ goes offline-? Full off holes.

 

[SophiaWisdom]

Oh man! I thought I had an awesome T but reading all these makes me be like "mine sucks compared to all of yours'!" :P Ah CPTSD and the pain it brings...

Ok here's a description of how I work with mine and b/c this is my 4th therapist (and I also went to grad school for MFT a long time ago and was trained as a life cøach for a while) much of this was purposeful/by design/by advice from this amazing forum/trusting my instinct and experience.

I see mine twice a week b/c I consider this an acute/critical situation: I can't drive anymore and I cut down my work drastically. I get nauseous A LOT and my insomnia is bac kan dunpredictable. And as you can see by my typos I have neurological tremors. To me it's a crisis. (ACA is also ending soon so I may not have insurance past this year unless I do something drastic so I'm also under time pressure to see him as much as possible and spend all my time healing.)

I had to ask him for twice a week and he didn't think it was necessary but acquiesced and we even had to talk about it to work it out in therapy.

I also know I can email him whenever and he responds within 24 hours (he's a recovering perfectionist so he's quite present though we've only known each other a month so this is just still early.)

After reading these forums I heard how EMDR (I'm in the early stages of it) can be so destabilizing so I asked him if I could write him if I ever felt really out of control and he said to call him actually.

He texts me teh day before each appt to confirm and I can also write back if I have questions. I can text him if I need to modify my appointments as well.

I try not to talk to him between sessions b/c I already have so much positive (and sometimes erotic) transference (and even negative - I'm jut a bundle of transference lol) so I want to live a life on my own outside of him (I think of him every day it's ridiculous lol), but knowing I can write him if I have to gives me security.

Now I have the opposite problem as you - I have porous boundaries and attach really easily. I pretty much fall in love with people like in 5 minutes. So I have no problem talking about EVERYTHING with most people. I actually am glad he is an attractive man b/c it causes me to hold back more and not be all over the place.

As jealous as I got hearing about all these other T's, I know mine is working for me b/c his eyes reddens and he leans forward when I cry and/or regress and confess my old pain - he's very empathic to me and I feel so heard and that it hurts him that I hurt. He can really sense me (my ex thinks he's a theatre guy lol) and he seems to have lots of similar cultural references as me too, which attributes to the transference and fantasy that I should date someone like him lol.

His being attractive also helps me lol. I just like looking at his face. So different situation from you, but at least you can see all the different ways we relate to our Ts depending on our needs and preferences. It has to feel at least more good than not for you!

My therapist has been my rock. I love her so much. She listens to me, validates my feelings, she point...

How long have you been with her? What modality? I'm just a T junkie and like to know these things :)

...because being able to brainstorm with her?

You just helped me know what to do and how to approach my own :)

 

[Heather]

@SophiaWisdom I've known her for 8 years and I did a group with her several years ago.

She has been my therapist now for almost a year maybe?

She has 2 kids in college so she assures me she's not going anywhere.

I had 4 therapist before her.....3 left. So, I'm glad she's sticking around.

 

[Keming]

Was going to start a thread, then found this one.

Is my T 'supposed' to support me? Am I 'supposed' to want that?

Because I don't care. Not interested in 'validation' or having someone 'understand.' Expressions of sympathy won't teach me a skill. Respect me, great. Support? I don't see the the point.

All that matters is getting back to work, getting into a graduate program, or learning how to be successfully self-employed. Teach me to not dissociate when I'm outnumbered. Teach me to retain intelligence during a panic attack. Teach me how to pretend to relate to people so I can manage business relationships. Everything else is irrelevant.

Is there something I'm missing out on? Would therapy be more useful if I cared?

 

[Deleted member 34328]

@Pteredacted I believe so, Yes.

There is an element of personal emotion that I'm either missing from your post, or it's either consciously or unconsciously absent.

I wish I didn't need to acknowledge the pain from the past, but I do.

Problem is that once that kicks in I'm either overwhelmed with anger, rage, sorrow, grief...any or all of the above.

I can't handle that on my own and haven't found many people who can. I need support from my Therapist if for nothing else, to help me know that what I'm feeling is ok. Know that someone else gets it. No hugs, pity parties...but validate the reality of the situation.

I wonder why you feel the only purpose of therapy is to get "fixed". Perhaps I'm missinterpreting what you meant, please feel free to clarify.

I don't know your story, don't need to. I just know that trauma has a lot of emotional mess that comes with it. Mostly unwelcome.

 

[NightSky]

Was going to start a thread, then found this one.

Is my T 'supposed' to support me? Am I 'suppose...

I don't think you can equate therapy to a class on how to behave. I think the change has to be fundamental and change doesn't usually happen without an emotional component. Therapy is a relationship. Otherwise I think completing a workbook or something along those lines would be enough.
Just my opinion/experience.

 

[Eagle3]

I actually just had this discussion with my T last session. I had been seeing a state-funded therapist in addition to my regular one, but we were getting nowhere so I quit seeing the state-funded T. I spent most of my session with my regular comparing their approaches and telling him why I couldn't make any progress with a PsyD. Turns out the lady had triggered every defense mechanism I have, and treated me based on stereotypes of my Dx's instead of seeing me as a person. My regular guy, I decided, supports me best by using a collaborative approach, giving me space to make my own decisions, and not forcing me to do anything or telling me I "have to" think in certain ways. He also gives amazing hugs when I ask, and has gone above and beyond the call of duty to make my life a little less sucky. I can email him anytime I need to, and even text him for emergencies. Most of all, he really understands me and gives me the external validation I so desperately need right now.

 

[NightSky]

I actually just had this discussion with my T last session. I had been seeing a state-funded therapist in...

What does the email exchange usually look like? Mine often asks me to email her. I do, once or twice a month. Usually it's short. If it ever gets longer than a paragraph I ask her to print it and bring it to session so she doesn't need to use time outside of session on it. (Any time I have done this she comes to session already having read it, and will bring it up). She usually responds to emails. It almost always takes 2 days, and is usually a couple of lines. Some have been longer. Sometimes she doesn't respond at all. But she always starts sessions with "I got your email..." if/when I send one. Does this sound about typical?

 

[Eagle3]

Yeah, my guy and I have an understanding about emails. I know he reads them because he loves talking about what I write, but he never answers them unless I'm in crisis. Basically my emails are long downloads of important dreams, critical updates in my week, things he needs to know about that I won't remember to bring up in session, etc. I just ship him my long tomes and feel better knowing he read them, but also comfortable that I wasn't sounding desperate enough to elicit a response. Sometimes I wish he would answer me, and start some kind of dialogue, but I know where that leads and it would be taking up too much of his unpaid time, so I'm ok with this arrangement. He really LOVES reading about my dreams!