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How Much Can One Person Handle?

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saph85

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Hello. This is my first post and I'm not sure how to start it, so I'll just dive in. My boyfriend of several years is also my best friend and counselor, we tell each other everything. We trust each other completely. The only problem is that he lives on the other side of the country, and has to fly all that way so we can be together. He knows I have problems, but he doesn't know the extent of them. We're planning on him visiting me soon and he's going to see me, the broken me, in ways he never has before. He's never had to deal with me having a panic attack or any kind of episode. I some times scare myself with how upset I get. I kind of lose control of myself, and I say things and do things I don't mean. I'm not going to hurt him or anything, I'm just scared it will make him not love me anymore.

To be honest, it's kind of an irrational fear because we've talked about it and he says he doesn't care, that he'll still love and be here for me and everything. I just don't feel like he's ready to deal with what I have I guess. He's never experienced anything negatively life changing, and he doesn't understand my depression stuff. He doesn't understand what it does to me or what I go through. I know it hurts him to see me so sad, and I feel like I'm going to scare him away. I trust him to not give up on me or run away, but I'm still nervous about it.
 
Honestly, Your third sentence worries me. If you want this relationship to go the distance, you should probably stop treating your boyfriend like he is a therapist. This puts WAY too much on him, along with the fact that he is not trained to treat someone with a trauma disorder. (And even if he was a trauma therapist, you'd still need another one as its important to see someone who is impartial and unbiased to your particular situation.)

Did this relationship start online and this will be the first time you are meeting him in person? I am gathering that this is the case based on what you have said, as if you had already met, then he would have likely seen at least a few symptoms by this point.

Yes, it IS worrisome. I started talking to a guy online and told him all about my issues. He accepted them, but of course, hearing about them and dealing with them over the phone is a LOT different than dealing with them in person. I was terrified of our first meeting, but things went better than I ever could have expected. OK, so our timeline is a little bit....ok, a LOT faster than yours in that we met after only a week and a half and have spent a ton of time together over the past three weeks. Yes, he has seen the great, the good, the bad, and the ugly. My point is that if he has gotten to know you for a number of years, then he must really care about you. Seeing your episodes will be an adjustment for him, but I think that since he has already invested so much time in you, he will be willing to weather the storms with you and support you through it all.

But, my advice stands.....Find a therapist and stop treating your boyfriend like a therapist. He is there to support you, not give you therapy.
 
I'm going to agree with boyfriends can't be therapists. It is a very specific set of skills and generic folks don't have it. Besides you don't want therapy from/with someone who has a vested interest in your life. That leads to unfortunate control stuff.

Find a therapist. You need a support person.

If your long distance boyfriend doesn't work out there are plenty of fish in the sea. I'm sorry if that sounds callous. I dated a lot of people,

You should neither expect him to be big support during panic attacks nor should you assume he will flip out. You don't know yet. Trying to predict what will happen will waste emotional energy and make it more likely you will flip your lid,

Since this is a first visit, I wouldn't try to do the full court press version of sharing. If he's never seen you upset then you have no idea what to expect.

I hope it goes well.
 
Do you really trust him completely & tell him everything if he isn't aware of the extent of your problems, as you said?

It's easy for someone who loves you to say that that it doesn't matter; they'll be there for you; etc. Dealing with it in person is a whole other matter. Like others have said, leaning on your boyfriend too much is unhealthy. Since he has no experience with depression or anxiety, it can't be expected of him to know what to do when you have a panic attack or another problem.
 
I'm sorry to jump on the bandwagon! But I have to agree...saying your bf is your counselor, but then going on to say he had no understanding of depression or what you're going through, and after so many years, has never even been exposed to what you are like when you are going through a moment.... that really is not good.

You absolutely should be able to see him as a support system and someone you feel comfortable talking to, but with no understanding of mental illness and not even having experienced anything bad in his own life, there is nothing he can offer you as far as counseling goes. Not to mention, after all these years, he has only had to see the good side of you, he doesn't actually know *all* of you yet... neverminding the amount of years, you are still in the early stages of actually getting to know each other..without hiding parts of yourself and genuinely trusting yourself around him to give him the opportunity to see all sides of you.

Also not clear if this is the fisr time you will be meeting, but regardless, due to him only having experienced a sliver of all that makes you you... i would say to take it east and don't put too much pressure on yourself, otherwise your anxiety will bubble over! Instead, see this as a chance to just get to know each other, get in some face time and see how your chemistry unfolds while you are in each others presence.

Really do hope that his visit goes well!! Just, keep in mind all the things you said here, the stuff that you know... that he doesn't understand, that he is not qualified from his own life experiences to even be able to relate and offer you counseling... and don't put the pressure on him and weight on his shoulders to "deal" with you, instead, graciously accept his support knowing that he cares about you :) (and find a therapist lol)
 
Wow, I'm really amazed at how supportive and kind you all are. I want to thank you all for taking time to help me out and making me feel better. I didn't expect everyone to be so nice to me. One thing I would change in my thread is the word "counselor" because that was really poor word choice. By it I meant that he's just accepting of my emotions and opinions, and he tries to help me with my emotional stuff by comforting me the best he can. I do have a therapist though and see her weekly. But you guys are right, he can't be my therapist and I guess I didn't see that as clearly as I do now. He's definitely not qualified to do that kind of thing. Also, this is our third time meeting each other, the first two times were really short but this time he's going to be living with me for a while. I think all of the advice you've all given me is really great. I can't get over how nice you all are :) I just really appreciate all your kind words and helping me out. Thank you all!
 
I have to agree with the sound advise already given by the other responders on this thread. I am a trained Suicide Intervention Negotiator and am happy to counsel anyone that I come across as I feel I would be failing if I did not. However that not withstanding if I were in a relationship with someone suffering Sucidal Ideation I would have to back down and let someone without that personal connection to take over.

He sounds very supportive for you but I really would advise as the others and say you need to keep the therapist you already have.

I wish you all the best in your personal recovery journey.

Kindest regards and net :hug:s if you accept them

Laurie
 
That's something I really like about this community @saph85 , really kind and genuine...even when there's a disagreement... and tough love, laying things out straight, doesn't equate to meanness. I've come to feel this as a super safe, supportive place to be :)

Really am glad that you were able to take something away from what everyone was saying!!! And with the extra info, it does sound like you have a good hold on things. The supporters area has a lot of viewpoints from the people who joined here who are in relationships with someone who has PTSD... Its a bittersweet area of this forum for me, because it's hard to read about how tough life can be for someone who is in a relationship with a PTSD sufferer, but at the same time, that insight can also bring about some knowledge and hope too.
 
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