- Thread starter
- #13
Friday
Moderator
Less that they thought I was awake, more that they’re judging my actions on the same level as if I was awake. Because I HURT them. And I never do that. So they’re broken hearted over how “casually” (ASLEEP! Nightmare! Faaaaawk.) I treated them like abusers in their life have casually reached out and hurt them (physically/emotionally). But instead of the “she doesn’t do that”, underlining that I was asleep? I’m now just another POS.Did they think you were awake?
To a degree, I can understand the shock that comes along with the unexpected. They were trying to help, and I’m someone they can actually lose their shit around and STILL be safe, am not going to hurt them, or be hurt by them. So that I so “casually” screamed & hit them has kind of broken a part of their world-view. As that’s something I’ve never done to them/around them. Even the few times I’ve been in physical fights around them? Cool as a cucumber. Wildly out of control is not how they thought of me. And reconciling those 2 things? Doesn’t parse for them.
Ditto, I’m lucky enough to have an “automatic shut off” around children? (And pets.) No matter how violent my nightmares… if a KID wakes me up? (Or cat/dog/horse). Nothing climbs out of my dreams to interact with THEM. It just doesn’t. I just kind of freeze-numb-paralyze… to blink blink… wake. I’ve known them since they were a kid, but they’re in their 20’s now… and the auto-shut-off no longer seems to apply???. It’s not that I love THEM any less. Or think any less of THEM. It’s just that my nightmares no longer auto-shut-off. That was NEVER a choice on my part, I was simply lucky as hell. Then. And am unlucky, now. As there is still no choice. >.<
For my part? I love them MORE for being lucky enough to know them growing up. But, it seems, they feel I love them less. As what they knew as a kid no longer holds true. So it’s sooo many levels of heartbroken & insult added to injury.
^^^ All of which I grok? But still don’t know how to express in a meaningful way.