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How to apologise for things I said/did in my sleep?

Did they think you were awake?
Less that they thought I was awake, more that they’re judging my actions on the same level as if I was awake. Because I HURT them. And I never do that. So they’re broken hearted over how “casually” (ASLEEP! Nightmare! Faaaaawk.) I treated them like abusers in their life have casually reached out and hurt them (physically/emotionally). But instead of the “she doesn’t do that”, underlining that I was asleep? I’m now just another POS.

To a degree, I can understand the shock that comes along with the unexpected. They were trying to help, and I’m someone they can actually lose their shit around and STILL be safe, am not going to hurt them, or be hurt by them. So that I so “casually” screamed & hit them has kind of broken a part of their world-view. As that’s something I’ve never done to them/around them. Even the few times I’ve been in physical fights around them? Cool as a cucumber. Wildly out of control is not how they thought of me. And reconciling those 2 things? Doesn’t parse for them.

Ditto, I’m lucky enough to have an “automatic shut off” around children? (And pets.) No matter how violent my nightmares… if a KID wakes me up? (Or cat/dog/horse). Nothing climbs out of my dreams to interact with THEM. It just doesn’t. I just kind of freeze-numb-paralyze… to blink blink… wake. I’ve known them since they were a kid, but they’re in their 20’s now… and the auto-shut-off no longer seems to apply???. It’s not that I love THEM any less. Or think any less of THEM. It’s just that my nightmares no longer auto-shut-off. That was NEVER a choice on my part, I was simply lucky as hell. Then. And am unlucky, now. As there is still no choice. >.<

For my part? I love them MORE for being lucky enough to know them growing up. But, it seems, they feel I love them less. As what they knew as a kid no longer holds true. So it’s sooo many levels of heartbroken & insult added to injury.

^^^ All of which I grok? But still don’t know how to express in a meaningful way.
 
So apologizing but for what? Because it's involuntary. Because my head thinks things past are things present. So I can apologize that it happened - but I can't do much to stop it from happening again - call it sleep hazards......
Very much that. On my end. As I’ve already removed myself from places ai might “normally” be a hazard to others. But? They were concerned, so sought me out, and I flattened them for caring. >.<

So, in that way, I think the kind of ‘Shit! I’d no idea. Are you ok?’ response is a really reasonable response/apology.
Thank you! Reality checking is supremely valuable.

If you want to go further than that - or they want/need you to go further than that - maybe it’s about acknowledging the impact on them. Something like ‘ I imagine that must have been a shock/scary’ etc.
Yes. Very much so. It’s had a profound impact on them, that I only partially grok. As it’s outside my frame of reference. But? Also not an idiot (most of the time!), so it’s one of those I can SEE how hard it’s hitting them, and to a degree understand why/how, but I don’t know enough to put it right.

I think after all these years she still often finds it upsetting, distressing and unnerving to observe me that way as it’s a very different way of her seeing and experiencing me compared to normal waking life.
Yes.
I wonder if this person was startled and distressed by what happened and they’re now unsure about what that means for them sharing space with you in the future?
undoubtedly. I broke their rules on “who” I am, so attempting to understand where I fit, now? Leaves them with very few options. Most of them, bad.

If you’ve told them all this already and they’re still taking it personally and demanding a detailed apology from you, because what you’ve already said about it isn’t ’sorry enough’ I think they are being unreasonable, tbh, and maybe this is tapping into something else for them, which is contributing to their response?
For sure. But? It’s one of those things, when you love someone & can see WHY they’re taking it badly? And are trying to bridge the gap? That. Just. Gets. So. Damn. Confusing.
 
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Gratitude, validation, and comfort may help. Telling them thank you for caring, thank you for trying to help. Letting them know you didn’t mean to hurt them and yet know they got hurt. Something comforting. Cookies? Boundaries when sleeping? Etc?
Damn good advice.

Are they struggling to accept the apology? Or is trust broken because they don't understand or it's triggered something for them?
Broken/Shattered trust.
“I’m sorry, I was asleep. Are you okay…?”

Finding out how they’re coping would be one of my first questions. Am I blowing this up into a thing when they actually understand and aren’t bothered? Or are they genuinely bothered and need help understanding?
Genuinely bothered. Wouldn’t talk to me, or interact with me, for daaaaays beyond the silent hurt glare, a moment of normal followed by shouting at me about how horrible I am, followed by silence & avoidance, then chewing me out followed by more silence/f*ck off. It’s a deep thing for them, and a normal thing for me, and I’m trying to find the bridge to span the gap.


Never (to my knowledge) have I lashed out during a nightmare BUT my wife now knows I can speak in three languages none of which are English.
This cracked me the hell up. Thank you! So true!

i don't believe that knowing where to place the blame has the power to change the facts. a broken leg remains broken, no matter the depth of the groveling in sorrow, or whatever the length of the prison sentence.
Yep. Throw a glass at the ground, and watch it shatter. Now? Apologize to it. It’s. Still. Broken.

way back in the last millennium, i woke up from a nightmare/flashback of rape, utterly convinced my husband was a rapist. the flashback continued for days. our two young sons were witnesses to the debacle. with much support from my therapy support network, i was able to work through my own guilt and shame, but the injuries inflicted upon my family still rear their ugly heads on occasion. i have worked through my own issues far enough that i can work with them to heal their residual infections when they arise. i believe i heal a bit further every time they bless me with the trust to bring it up.
Been there, in a different way/place, but hot dayum, it’s a brutal thing to choose to walk through. Rather than run from. Mad respect at you.

Not sure if that helps???
It does.
 
I treated them like abusers in their life
Ah, so this is something else. It’s not a “can’t understand sleepwalking” thing.

This is like my cognitive process that reasons: you wear the same aftershave as my abuser did, and I just can’t deal with that.

So it makes sense that they’re going through this:
Genuinely bothered. Wouldn’t talk to me, or interact with me, for daaaaays beyond the silent hurt glare, a moment of normal followed by shouting at me about how horrible I am, followed by silence & avoidance, then chewing me out followed by more silence/f*ck off

Potentially there’s no amount of reasoning about sleepwalking and consciousness that may get you over the line. Time, and becoming safe to them again, and distinguishing yourself from that person that they’ve linked you to in their amygdala, through no fault of your own. Or theirs.

So, you may have a hard time comprehending that someone would hold your sleepwalking activities against you. But you’re very familiar with what their actual problem is: separating past trauma from the person in front of them right now.

Triggers don’t respond to reason. They can sometimes respond to feelings of safety and compassion though, so maybe try that angle?
 
Ah, so with that further context about this person and their responses...sounds like they were/are really triggered by your nocturnal behaviour and that, to them, right now, you are not the person you used to be to them. In particular, it sounds like you used to be a safe person for them. And that, witnessing your behaviour while asleep, has now made a connection for them that you are now like someone else - someone abusive/unsafe.

So, all the apologising and explaining sleep walking/nightmares etc in the world probably isn't going to make much difference at the moment.

I think probably consistent reassurance through continuing to show up as a safe and trustworthy person in their life is likely to be key and will hopefully be able to repair trust/sense of safety from their point of view. Even if, at the moment, that might also mean giving them some space.

You could ask what they want/need from you - but I wonder if they will even know the answer to that right now?

Have they ever had any support for the abuse they experienced? Therapy etc?

It's a tough spot to be in (for both of you) and I'm sorry that you're currently in it.
 
Wouldn’t talk to me, or interact with me, for daaaaays beyond the silent hurt glare, a moment of normal followed by shouting at me about how horrible I am, followed by silence & avoidance, then chewing me out followed by more silence/f*ck off.
Yeah, this highlights are others say. It's now not about you and your apology but the meaning they have brought into the situation.

Are they aware that they are bringing the past in? That this is a trigger?
That's the challenge? Them getting themselves to see you are you and safe and also, this might happen again and how will they manage.
 
omg.
So.
Lemme see if I'm in the right rabbit hole.
You suffered trauma in the real world.
You act out that trauma in your sleep - with no control of your behavior
Your person is triggered by what you do while you are asleep because it reminds them of when they had trauma in the real world
Now they are mad at you, when you are awake, because they are triggered by your actions when you are asleep

Holy crap that hurt my head just writing it out.
I don't think you can win this one - but I know it's not about you
It's about them and their trauma and their past
They are blaming you for something they don't want to face
That has nothing to do with you.
So, you don't owe them an apology
They owe you one.
 
It’s clear you really care about them a lot.

They stepped in to help someone asleep. You couldn’t consent to that help and things happened. They wanted to be comforting. They got hurt. Their trauma is stirred up. Their past. Their stuff. That isn’t yours to fix. It’s not really in your control or power to resolve.

In any relationship, unintentional hurts will come up from time to time. It’s like if you were driving a car and a car accident happens that isn’t your fault. How does the passenger feel safe again? Time, exposures, them working on their trauma, and experiencing safety in the car again. This was like Ana accent in the relationship. Be safe, show them you care, and hopefully they’ll work through their past trauma that has been stirred up.
 
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