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How to apologise for things I said/did in my sleep?

Friday

Moderator
I’ve never taken things people did in their sleep, or in pain, personally.

I’m pretty good at dodging nightmare-flails & first 30 seconds you’re not responsible for your actions attacks… but people in pain have required close contact, meaning I’ve been hit, kicked, bitten, headbutted, thrown into walls/furniture, strangled, you name it. That’s just fight or flight. Hit em with some morphine or vitamin H, and no worries. No meds? Hang the f*ck on, and try to keep them from hurting themselves/others until they pass out, or wake the f*ck up (pain & panic blinds people, if they don’t pass out, they’ll usually get to a point where they “wake up” ; blinking really quickly and kind of shake themselves -or lock into a single position- and be able to SEE & actually interact/engage with the people around them… instead of attacking blindly & attempting to escape).

To ME, if I’m trying to wake someone up from a nightmare, and I get clocked? I consider that a self inflicted injury. Whoops! Dodge faster, Friday.

So I don’t know HOW to apologize, in a meaningful way, to someone I (have been told) I hit and shouted at to go away go away go away… in my sleep.

Have I apologized? Yep. But in the way that someone who doesn’t …isn’t… hurt? “Oh SH*T, sorry, you okay?” Because I was asleep. In another room, by myself.

And they? Are hurt. Not physically. But deeply.

Yes, I was in another room by myself, but they were worried, and came to try and help. Because? Love. And I screamed and hit them in my sleep.

I don’t know how to make that better.

Because it’s outside of my frame of reference. (Hence the long intro.).

And “I’m sorry you feel blah blah blah” is a BS f*ck you apology, I won’t do. That’s just insult added to injury. Literally, in this case.

There may not be anything I can do to salve this hurt they feel… but I would like to.

Does anyone HERE take nightmares personally? Have partners who do? Family who does? Who could kick me some knowledge?
 
You were acting out a nightmare. Not much more to explain.

I would never take it personally. I know how bad J's nightmares are and he even tells me what they entail. They have nothing to do with me. Sometimes I can tell what's happening in his nightmare just by watching him. The movements he makes. I also know to just let it play out. I learned that very early in our relationship.

Did they think you were awake?
 
How to apologize? It wasn’t really either person’s fault. Fault finding or fault owning… really isn’t the answer.

Gratitude, validation, and comfort may help. Telling them thank you for caring, thank you for trying to help. Letting them know you didn’t mean to hurt them and yet know they got hurt. Something comforting. Cookies? Boundaries when sleeping? Etc?

I had a friend who did something like this once. Woke up screaming no like bloody murder and pushed someone away and fought like the humans around were tigers not confused and worried friends. Freaked all of us out. We didn’t take it personally. But it wasn’t about it being personal or not. It was a shock to the nervous system to suddenly be fighting someone off. We are still good friends. As far as this person taking it personally? They may need to work through that a bit. They might need information on how these things work… it really depends on the person a lot. I hope they find their way through it back to connection with you again.
 
I'm sorry. I was asleep and didn't realise what I was doing. I wouldn't behave like that at all when awake and conscious of what I'm doing. I was acting out a dream, this happens sometimes with my PTSD symptoms. I can understand if you're hurt by it, as it must have been shocking for you. Do you want to talk it through?


Are they struggling to accept the apology? Or is trust broken because they don't understand or it's triggered something for them?
 
“I’m sorry, I was asleep. Are you okay…?”

Finding out how they’re coping would be one of my first questions. Am I blowing this up into a thing when they actually understand and aren’t bothered? Or are they genuinely bothered and need help understanding?
 
I have been on both sides of this. Felt bad about mistaking my partner for someone else in my sleep and also still been hurt when she punched me in her sleep. I know she didn't mean to but I still felt a bit unsafe or something after.

What helped most was in the morning she threw her arms around me and apologised. Physically she acted the exact opposite of how she did n the dream and then we laughed about it.
 
Never (to my knowledge) have I lashed out during a nightmare BUT my wife now knows I can speak in three languages none of which are English.
One "conversation" was recorded and played back to me. Automatically I answered the question in that recording in that language.
I don't know who was more surprised. Me or the wife. When asked to explain that, all I could say is you don't live with others whose native language isn't English without picking up a few basic responses in their language. Really weird how the mind works isn't it?
 
i don't believe that knowing where to place the blame has the power to change the facts. a broken leg remains broken, no matter the depth of the groveling in sorrow, or whatever the length of the prison sentence.

way back in the last millennium, i woke up from a nightmare/flashback of rape, utterly convinced my husband was a rapist. the flashback continued for days. our two young sons were witnesses to the debacle. with much support from my therapy support network, i was able to work through my own guilt and shame, but the injuries inflicted upon my family still rear their ugly heads on occasion. i have worked through my own issues far enough that i can work with them to heal their residual infections when they arise. i believe i heal a bit further every time they bless me with the trust to bring it up.

time has no meaning in the healing process. it takes what it takes.

just believing. . . steadying support while you find what works for you.
 
So I don’t know HOW to apologize, in a meaningful way, to someone I (have been told) I hit and shouted at to go away go away go away… in my sleep.

I don’t know how to make that better.

Does anyone HERE take nightmares personally? Have partners who do? Family who does? Who could kick me some knowledge?
I'm not sure I'm understanding the question.

I'm notorious for launching myself out of bed and standing in the middle of the room and if you touch me I'll knock your ass out. Period. Or, sometimes I just thrash about and randomly kick or hit hubby. Or sometimes I wander around aimlessly, then get back into bed with no drama.

I tell this to anyone is going to be sleeping near me. Even if it's just sharing a hotel room with someone like I do at the retreats. - If I'm up in the middle of the night Do.Not.Touch.Me

If they ask I can explain that I can't stop this behavior because I'm not in control of it. It's driven by nightmares and ptsd and all that.

Can I apologize in the morning? Sure, if that makes them happy. I mean, ya, if I coldcock someone I'm going to feel badly about it. But is there really anything to apologize for?

hmmmm...thinking......thinking.....

Que hubby...
OK I just asked him if I need to apologize in the morning for how I behave in my sleep.
He gave me that "are you kidding me" face and said "of course not. I know what you are going thru and that you are just terrified and that you have no control over what you are doing. Why would you need to apologize for that"

Not sure if that helps???
 
Not sure it takes a really deep and meaningful apology as such, as I think that kind of apology suggests taking accountability for wrong-doing and this isn’t really that (you were unconscious and didn’t know what you were doing…so you haven’t ’done anything wrong’)

So, in that way, I think the kind of ‘Shit! I’d no idea. Are you ok?’ response is a really reasonable response/apology.

If you want to go further than that - or they want/need you to go further than that - maybe it’s about acknowledging the impact on them. Something like ‘ I imagine that must have been a shock/scary’ etc.

I do always still say sorry when I’ve shouted at/hit my partner in my sleep (if she tells me about it because I rarely actually remember doing it) Not because there’s anything I can do about it (I practise good sleep hygiene and take meds prescribed by the sleep clinic, to reduce the intensity and frequency of the night terrors in the first place. And then, if it does still happen, I’ve no idea what I’m doing and no idea that my partner is there and on the receiving end of any of this because, well, I’m asleep having a night terror) And not because she’s taken it personally and is upset with me and wants me to apologise.

Often I’ll just scream and thrash around and leap out of bed - no engaging with her at all. And, even though she is used to it (having slept in a bed with me for 25 years!) it still scares the shit out of her when she’s sound asleep and then I wake her up screaming my head off! And I know she finds it hard to get back to sleep afterwards. So, although it’s not ‘my fault’ as such, I do always feel bad about that - for scaring her awake and disrupting her sleep.

I think after all these years she still often finds it upsetting, distressing and unnerving to observe me that way as it’s a very different way of her seeing and experiencing me compared to normal waking life.

If you’ve done a ‘Shit! Sorry! Are you ok?’ type apology, and told them you were asleep and no idea what you were doing or what was happening…and they haven’t accepted that apology? Maybe they’re unnerved or perhaps scared to now sleep in the same house as you in case you are violent towards them in the future? (When you’re asleep, I mean) Maybe trust is lacking? Maybe they don’t understand anything about how ptsd and/or sleep disorders work?

Perhaps reassuring them again that it’s not personal, you are unconscious, you’ve no idea what you’re doing or that they are even in the room etc etc might help?

Perhaps acknowledging how it’s impacted them?

Perhaps giving them some tips on how to handle it if it happens again in future (eg I generally tell people not to wake me up as I’ll generally be finished and back laying down sleeping quietly in a short space of time. Or, if they feel they need to wake me up - esp if they think I’m going to hurt them or myself - to do it from a distance and call my name quite loudly and firmly. Or, for me, what often works is them turning the light on. But whether you’re going to turn a light on or talk to me - do it from over there, don’t come up close and don’t touch me, even if you think you’re being soothing)

I wonder if this person was startled and distressed by what happened and they’re now unsure about what that means for them sharing space with you in the future?

If you’ve told them all this already and they’re still taking it personally and demanding a detailed apology from you, because what you’ve already said about it isn’t ’sorry enough’ I think they are being unreasonable, tbh, and maybe this is tapping into something else for them, which is contributing to their response?
 
That's a heck of a question. Whats sort of funny is mine seems to be location based.


In Bed with the wife - no.
On the couch etc at home or elsewhere - not interactive with other people anyway. Not that I'm not active during nightmares - I hurt my hand and broke a toe not long ago falling out of bed during a nightmare.

Hospital - in spades! I think I sent every. single. nurse. that. came. near. me. when. I. was. sleeping. running away.
Apologizing is weird? I had no idea what I was apologizing for - (nor would they tell me). That's whats weird. No idea what I did - or at that point why I did it. And no one would tell me either...

So apologizing but for what? Because it's involuntary. Because my head thinks things past are things present. So I can apologize that it happened - but I can't do much to stop it from happening again - call it sleep hazards......
 
My wife was mad at me once for something I did to her in a dream. She was serious. I couldn’t believe it. She got over it, but it took awhile. I have to say, just say no. You aren’t responsible for stuff you scream in your nightmares and neither is anyone else. I understand, I think, you’re trying to be inclusive of the other persons feelings and that’s a plus for you, but no. It’s their stuff and they’re going to have to deal with it. You apologised. End of story.
 
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