How To Get A Roomate When I Dont Make A Good One, Saftetly

[lostforgottensoul]

Ok, so now Im thinking, what if I can get my dad and step mom, nicely, to move. I refuse to throw them out like you have 30 days and you're out. And Im still tightly clentching onto the hope that they will get it and we will have a half way ok relationship. Not a dancing through the lillies kind but an ok kind and I think thats why I cant seem to set down strict boundries.

Anyway, my therapist might be able to get me to that place of getting them to leave but I am not under any sort of false pretence that I can make it long alone money wise. I could get over the ahhhh a strange person is in my house thing and get a dog sitter and then work as much overtime as offered when offered and save for when its not offered but I tend to think I can do more physically then I can. I bought a damn bike months ago that still has never been ridden. I have severe chronic pain for those that dont know.

I know about Intellus as a background search source and there are others, a background check isnt hard and I already know that if there is ANY thing about drugs in a background check it will be a no straight off and im sure I can find a templet for a roommate application and sites of how to obtain one saftely (though if anyone has a templet and/or suggestions they are welcomed as my therapist advised Criag's List and by itself it is no where near safe).

My issue, other then being terrified of people, lies in being a horrible person to live with myself. Right now before my mom dies isnt a good time to do this i dont think so Im looking at future tense afterwards. How much do I disclose? What do I say? I mean they cant think they are coming into a perfectly normal enviroment as they arent, at all.

What sort of boundries (other than regular dont play loud music at this certian times and dont have a shit ton of people over when im here chillin). Like PTSD specific boundries.

I honestly think this is like way ahead of myself as I dont know if i can get my dad & step mom out without fully fracturing, completely, that relationship and if I can handle someone that's not family or a good friend that has known me for years here. Im just trying to be prepared.

 

[The Albatross]

Yup, I think you're way ahead of yourself here, considering what your dealing with relationally, with your mother dying, and the stressor (other thread about the dog). Is it on the table? Yeah sure, but you're pretty much being shown what has to be in place for you to manage on your own right now and it hasn't been very pretty. Doesn't mean it's impossible or wrong, just means you got some work to do... first.

43 views and nobody touched this, for the record. So I'm not busting your chops or anything just figured you deserved a response, k?

 

[Recovery4Me]

Hey @lostforgottensoul (((((hugs)))))). Have a few tips and tricks that I can share as I have both rented as a Land Lord and have searched for a room. Give me a moment or two ...and I will edit more in shortly. Just wanted you to know that you were read.

Personally, I find getting informed ahead of time is a solid move for a future decision!! Just try to geek it insofar as finding a good book on the subject matter and start a thumb drive file to organize your research from the net and sequential thoughts.


Edited in:
The following are places to get a feel for what you can expect insofar as income for rent and to become familiar with the styles of marketing that people successfully use:
Roomates.com
Craigslist (not recommended)
Oodles.com (need to look in your city and state)
Apartments.com
Zillow.com (reference)
Claz.org
Reachoo.com (video style)
oodle.com (city and state centered and connects many rental ads)

Please remember all the savvy computer skills to protect yourself such as not giving the exact location until it looks like a potential renter you might like, using the sites e-mails for protection, not giving out too much of YOUR info and phrasing the ad correctly to target a particular group that you might enjoy.

Best of wishes ((((hugs)))

 

[joeylittle]

Check out sublets and sublets wanted to get a feel for ads. Nice thing about sublets is they are usually short term and furnished.

The best thing is to look often. There's nothing really forcing you to get X housing by such and such a date. So you have time to actually see what's there, meet people.

You might also look into apartment management. It's generally not physical labor - just being the onsite person to ℅-ordinate with maintenance, sign tenants and show apartments. Usually comes with a big break on the housing and sometimes also a part time paycheck.

Your father may qualify for different kinds of subsidized housing because of his age. But separating the housing situation doesn't mean you and he can't still work on the relationship. I'd expect it might make it easier.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

43 views and nobody touched this

Im rather glad i dont know where to see that!

Have a few tips and tricks that I can share as I have both rented as a Land Lord and have searched for a room. Give me a moment or two ...and I will edit more in shortly.

Oh whenever you can. Was just thinking about it and was wondering how one does this when very symptomatic. Like what do you say? Oh, by the way, Im known to explode on you because you asked if it was raining?? For the record, so far ive only exploded on my dad & step mom & let my ex roommates trample all over me but i also knew they were drug addicts, not ax murders thats gonna come kill me in the middle of the night. How do you even become 'ok' with a stranger in your house while having PTSD and while terrified of everyone? Like how does one do this is sort of thing is what I was wondering...

But separating the housing situation doesn't mean you and he can't still work on the relationship. I'd expect it might make it easier.

You'd have to know my family. Throwing my 75 yr old father out would be enough for him to fully get pulled to their side of the field and enough fuel for my family to torture me for a very long time. Not to mention the self guilt i will already have. Ive known they've both needed to leave for a long time, never a way to nicely get them out. I even did it not nice when my step mom got high, didnt happen. The only way I can think of is if my therapist tells him its best, my dad likes him and will listen to him (hopefully if my therapist isnt "unprofessional" anymore that is). But either way, id like a plan, work through what i need to and have a direction to go when that time comes and not be lost out in the large waves, you know?

ETA: I noticed I work better through things when im focused. When i loose that focus all hell goes haywire broken loose.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Insofar as your Parents, Senior Housing (depending on the area) can take quite a long time for one to be moved up on the waiting list. I know as I am on one list that can take up to two years and another that goes from 6 years to 8. So it would be important to go to the Council of Aging within your area and find out the low income, HUD or Senior Housing Programs. It is quite a savings, sometimes just 33% of the monthly income for rentals.

As well, perhaps talk to your insurance agent to review your home and your liability section of insurance (covering walkways, theft, ect) prior to renting out . It will allow for a piece of mind and is prudent business. Also consider a rental agent to handle the security checks (they charge the prospective renter) and assist with placements rather than you do everything solely by yourself. It keeps the face-to-face tension down and you can review the paperwork in your leisure and determine whom to call back. You hand them the application and the address of where to bring it, the fee and presto you are out of the loop of the business and can work on the right fit.

You might wish to purchase some doorknobs with locks for the bedrooms, a small refrigerator for your room or theirs, to eliminate roommate squabbles on expensive food. Perhaps draft some boundaries for your future, such as no more pets (from the roommate). Do you want to allow sleepovers? Do you want to place in no 4/20, no drugs or alcohol in your ad. Do you want to go for a month to month or 6 months with first and deposit. Things of this nature are helpful to hammer out in advance and may make it a smoother transition with your new coexistence.

Again, best of wishes and many hugs.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Recovery4Me, im currently renting so not sure if i can use any sort of agency. I as well as my dad is on this lease and its not up til Oct (meaning if im moving I have just a month to give notice); so he cant come off and another go on til then. I forgot about that. They just asaigned parking one per apartment and so if i have a roommate off the lease they will know per the non-marked spots.

I do have renter's insur but that doeant seem to matter as its in my step mom's name and she's not even in the lease. They state they go ofd the address and also learn all payments go to the apartment complex and they can refuse the claim. I had a kitchen fire where they did that.

Roomates.com
Craigslist (not recommended)
Apartments.oodles.com (need to look in your city and state)
Apartments.com
Zillow.com (reference)
Claz.org
Reachoo.com (video style)

apartments.com too high, zillow are more houses but havent looked thats just what they advertize, craigs list im so trying to stay away from, roommates.com is the most likely, not heard of the rest.

Check out sublets and sublets wanted to get a feel for ads. Nice thing about sublets is they are usually short term and furnished.

I have a house sized amount of furniture and i dont want short term. Ive been here 4 yrs putting up with all their shit here. As soon as i move out there will get a bad rating on aptratings.com but i want to feel steady somewhere perm, you know?

I only have a month to give notice to move so will look and see what i can find.

Thanks for all the suggestions.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I apologize, I thought you were renting a room in your home.:notworthy: However, roommates.com and oodles.com are really solid & safe place to search for a room to rent and rental agents may know of someone as home shares are becoming more common.

*One month to do all this is a lot. Perhaps an short term storage might serve as most rooms are just that, they allow you to bring your bedroom set and whatever else you can cram in as a norm. Can you afford a studio apartment?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I apologize, I thought you were renting a room in your home

No no, I am going that route, I was just saying that because im renting and dont own i dont know if i can use an agency to find a roommate to rent the room to is all.

And i am looking at both options, renting the room/gaining a roommate and moving though the roommate option is seeming the most possible one.

Im sorry.

 

[Recovery4Me]

((((hugs)))) LOL These are the times that make me think of the Abbot and Costello Classic "Whose on First?"

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Also, what do you tell a possible roommate when you have PTSD? I mean do you tell them that you have it or just that you have been through trauma and not be specific or does it depend on the possible roommate? Its only fair that they are aware that its not an 100% normal living enviroment. I mean, ive never gone off on anyone else but my dad & step mom as they do nothing but hit my triggers and then when i get frustrated at work i can sound frustrated so its not like im going to explode all over them, i dont think, but shouldnt they know or at least know the triggers that ive been able to identify?

Like, how do you do this with a stranger? I know its too soon but i need to be prepared both to have a plan as to how to find one safely and also mentally how to let someone into my space and how to advise them once there.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I mean, ive never gone off on anyone else

Say that over and over until you understand how HUGE that is insofar as self regulation!:tup: You owe no one an explanation as they are looking for a room. If it is the flip side...please just consider offering that you are a 'geek'! People excuse behavior from artists, entertainers, computer persons, math majors...get it?!

That is why one of my degrees I got was in Fine Arts/graphics...to cover my arsh (before PTSD diagnosis came into the front running). Then I became eccentric to others as, "Ah, yes she is a artist, that explains it!":D Then as time went on I became other things.

Become free. Really free. You are a computer person....use it as a shield for a bit!

It is hard out there, the market is strong for those whom have a room to offer. I have been looking for another place in this city for over 6 months or so (but I am a senior and there is a massive housing shortage here). They keep placing in the ads for the ' working professional' to eliminate retired or those on disability. So honestly you will have an easier time. (((hugs))) That is why I have lots of tips. lol

Just believe in you!