terilotois
New Here
Hi everyone, I am new here. I want to reach out because both my partner and I are struggling at the moment.
We got married in recent months. Prior to that, we were kept apart in different countries for more than three years because of COVID. Because of the changes in life and uncertainty and separation and everything, my partner who has childhood trauma and CPTSD has been having an extremely difficult time and in a very low mental state.
I didn’t educate myself and dig deep into the illnesses during the time when we were apart and since we first started our relationship which was more than 5 years ago, hence I didn’t equip myself with useful tools to help after we reunited. My upbringing and personality and lack of life experiences makes me not good at interacting with people, including showing comfort and reassurance, being considerate about others, taking care of others ect.
The problems my partner and I are having for the past few weeks is that he feels unheard, unseen and invisible because I didn’t educate myself before we reunited and lack understanding of his illnesses and feelings. I wish I could turn back times and do things differently. I regret this everyday. Even though I have been looking things up on the internet, watching videos and reading books on CPTSD for the past few weeks, I still feel like I couldn’t do the right thing and say the right thing when he’s having an episode. Part of it is because of the reasons I mentioned above, I couldn’t think of any reassuring and comforting words to say at the moment and I act like shutting down. Another part is that I’m not good at recognising triggers. And my partner would become very angry and upset that I didn’t help him during an episode and prevent the escalation, and more he thinks these arguments are ruining our marriage, which adds on top of his fears and worries. Even he wrote down words and instructions on helping him to ground himself, and I failed to do it. I keep promising that I will do better but each time something like this happens, it reinforces his belief that our marriage is over and he rather deals with his illnesses on his own. It seems like most of the argument always leads back to the fact I didn’t educate myself during the time when we were apart. These arguments started off from the smallest things, for example, when he is agitated and projects his feelings onto things in our home, such as unsorted laundry, and he would escalate because I fail to intervene, and eventually it leads to him feeling invisible, especially when he asks for help and doesn’t get any.
I understand I haven’t been more helpful. Sometimes I am too self absorbed and I feel like every episode is unique in many ways. the core is similar but I just couldn’t pull myself together to deal with it and help him to get through it and save our marriage. I know all the excuses I mentioned are not validated. I know I need to snap out of myself to be more helpful. I know I need continue to educate myself. I keep telling myself and my partner all these but each time I fail him. He feels more disappointed and frustrated with me and believes those are empty promises.
We got married in recent months. Prior to that, we were kept apart in different countries for more than three years because of COVID. Because of the changes in life and uncertainty and separation and everything, my partner who has childhood trauma and CPTSD has been having an extremely difficult time and in a very low mental state.
I didn’t educate myself and dig deep into the illnesses during the time when we were apart and since we first started our relationship which was more than 5 years ago, hence I didn’t equip myself with useful tools to help after we reunited. My upbringing and personality and lack of life experiences makes me not good at interacting with people, including showing comfort and reassurance, being considerate about others, taking care of others ect.
The problems my partner and I are having for the past few weeks is that he feels unheard, unseen and invisible because I didn’t educate myself before we reunited and lack understanding of his illnesses and feelings. I wish I could turn back times and do things differently. I regret this everyday. Even though I have been looking things up on the internet, watching videos and reading books on CPTSD for the past few weeks, I still feel like I couldn’t do the right thing and say the right thing when he’s having an episode. Part of it is because of the reasons I mentioned above, I couldn’t think of any reassuring and comforting words to say at the moment and I act like shutting down. Another part is that I’m not good at recognising triggers. And my partner would become very angry and upset that I didn’t help him during an episode and prevent the escalation, and more he thinks these arguments are ruining our marriage, which adds on top of his fears and worries. Even he wrote down words and instructions on helping him to ground himself, and I failed to do it. I keep promising that I will do better but each time something like this happens, it reinforces his belief that our marriage is over and he rather deals with his illnesses on his own. It seems like most of the argument always leads back to the fact I didn’t educate myself during the time when we were apart. These arguments started off from the smallest things, for example, when he is agitated and projects his feelings onto things in our home, such as unsorted laundry, and he would escalate because I fail to intervene, and eventually it leads to him feeling invisible, especially when he asks for help and doesn’t get any.
I understand I haven’t been more helpful. Sometimes I am too self absorbed and I feel like every episode is unique in many ways. the core is similar but I just couldn’t pull myself together to deal with it and help him to get through it and save our marriage. I know all the excuses I mentioned are not validated. I know I need to snap out of myself to be more helpful. I know I need continue to educate myself. I keep telling myself and my partner all these but each time I fail him. He feels more disappointed and frustrated with me and believes those are empty promises.
