How To Know When You're Acting Out Abuse Habits Vs. Your Own Thoughts

[cyndi]

I hope that question makes sense. For those of us who were abused, we've probably identified many areas in which our thinking was skewed by what we were told, names called, expectations put on us that we were able to carry out for a duration by disassociating to survive it. How can you tell what ways you're still doing that and in what areas? Most I have found out by talking in therapy and almost hearing a record scratch from my therapist or seeing the look on her face to know that's not a way of thinking which comes about from healthy learning. I have so much to unravel, so much "programming" that was done and I want to undo but a lot of the time I can't tell if something is really what I want or is a learned response. Sex would be the biggest area for me with that problem. I've tried seeking out girlfriends without a damaged sexual past I can 20 question at on how they feel about sex stuff but sadly, they are hard to find. I guess in general, staying present makes you more aware of what you really think, like turning off all lights in a house, realizing it was my Dad yelling at me to "turn off the light", rebelling for a bit then deciding I liked lower electric bills too and turn off the lights (except my nitelites):wink:

That's just a small example without getting too deep. I guess I'm mostly asking because of my issues around sex. I'm not even sure that I can be physically intimate in that way without disassociating, so knowing what is OK and not is so hard and I fear I've damaged myself even more because I know no sex=no relationship. My year of marriage proved that theory correct when he filed for divorce after telling me repeatedly how "perfect" I was in every other area. ( I was unable to get past my panic about sex and he was little help so I didn't hit the minimum 2.5x a week having sex) Yeah, some bitterness lurks in there. It's just that I know I have to fix that area if I want a relationship and it's not fair that I should have to be alone because I was abused so much. IT'S NOT FREAKING FAIR! So, sometimes I go through the motions of what I think is a healthy sexual life, partly to keep a mate, partly to prove to myself I can get better but I think I'm faking it all. I have little clue as to what a 'healthy' sexual view is, have little clue if I actually want to do something in the moment. I dunno. I seem to always end up here, even before the severe sexual abuse of my psycho ex from a year ago. The damage from that has got to be pretty big, haven't talked much in therapy yet about it because there's only so many minutes on the clock in an hour session and I've just been trying to get past my fear to survive without being a 'tweaky freak' as I call it when I get all, well, tweaky.

What have you learned that helps you know what's really your thinking?

 

[Deleted member 541]

A lot of women that were abused often have difficulties with having a relationship and sex. They either go hand in hand, or they tend to go the other way. By acting out and using sex to achieve what they think is love/attention. I was in the latter group. I have learned and have not been in a relationship in 10 yrs. I doubt that I could now....

I think that by working on your trauma, triggers and fears that you anxiety about having a relationship/sex will lessen. It would also help if your next partner was a bit more understanding and patient with you.

If and when you reach this point remember that whatever two people are willing to do in regards to sex is normal. If one or the other feels uncomfortable, then it's not right to pursue.

 

[cyndi]

I have often wondered if I'm just too damaged from it be able to have a relationship with a man. I'm triggered into learned behavior too much and can't recognize what I really feel anymore.

Thank you for sharing that SheCat. I'm close to resigning myself to becoming an old lady with too many cats and books. They only want what I am able to give freely and give so much love in return.

 

[UmightKnowMe]

I often ask myself the same question. I have read that people with history like mine tend to either be real promiscuous (how to spell it I dont kn0w) or just the opposite. I went through a period when I slept with anyone that wanted to...and believe me once that go around there were plenty that wanted to. And then strangely AFTER I got married I fell into the other end of things. There I was in a safe healthy relationship and that one thing that I seemed to have down pat was the one thing that I couldnt stand to do! I think it is because I have sex and what goes on in marraige mixed up in my head and mixed up with all of that is the trauma that happened to me making it all SEEM ugly in my mind. My therapist says that what happened had nothing to do with sex but all to do with power and control, that was just how it was expressed. My goal...my biggest hugest goal...the one big benchmark for knowing when I am 'better' will be when I can stay in the moment with my husband. I still dissociate. He doesnt know it. I avoid avoid avoid the whole thing until he gets very insistant and grumpy and I want to keep the peace. And that isnt healthy either. I am not even close to having all this figured out. So yeah....you arent alone in that!

 

[UmightKnowMe]

And I wanted to add that my therapist says I am NOT too screwed up to get over this hurdle. It may take time and lots of work but she is confident that I can do it. She hasnt lied to me yet! I do know if you tell yourself you are too screwed up to get past it then you won't. You gotta tell yourself positive stuff!!