How To Regulate Emotions And Stop Hurting My Family

[Ettina]

I would like some advice.

I'm autistic and have PTSD. When I get upset with my family, I tend to scream at them, punch myself, and sometimes grab or shove them.

I was looking for an online test of my attachment style (when I substituted 'parents' for 'partner' in an online test of romantic attachment style, I scored as 'preoccupied'). Anyway, I stumbled across some advice on how to deal with conflicts in a relationship, and I'm feeling down because the advice wouldn't work for me at all.

Basically, their advice had two components. First, recognize subtle signs of anger before it gets too high; and second, exit the situation and calm down before reengaging.

I have problems with both those steps.

Firstly, although sometimes I can notice a gradual build-up in my stress, other times I go from calm (or even happy) to extremely upset instantly, without warning, because of a single upsetting comment or event.

Secondly, when I have noticed myself getting upset and tried to exit the situation, I find that while I'm away, I can't calm down. Either one of two things happens - I either start ruminating on whatever they did and getting more and more angry about it, or I start feeling self-destructive, to the point where I've sometimes found myself looking around the room and imagining how various objects in my environment could be used to seriously injure or even kill myself.

They say you aren't supposed to stew over the issue, you're supposed to distract yourself, but they don't have any advice about how to distract yourself. Is this something most people can do easily? It's pretty much impossible for me. Closest I can do is that sometimes I manage to turn off my feelings, but then I'm incapable of feeling happy for awhile, until I finally have another meltdown and get it out.

Do you have any advice for me? I've had psychotherapy and it hasn't really helped with this.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Is this something most people can do easily?

Not in the slightest. I often don't notice a gradual build in stress, it hits me like a brick wall. It's like being an injured animal, I keep going and try and fool everyone around me (even myself - and successfully too), until suddenly it all comes crashing down. I also notice I'm incredibly self-defensive and a hint that I'm not doing ok from others makes me suddenly aware that I'm not and it freaks me out, especially that they were able to see it before I was. Emotional flashbacks are an issue for me and they really mess with my head, taking me from the best I've been in a while to horrifically depressed or from being calm to intensely angry for no reason, it feels as if someone's stolen my emotions for a joy ride.

Secondly, when I have noticed myself getting upset and tried to exit the situation, I find that while I'm away, I can't calm down.

No way can I calm down, I worry more and more, the worry turns to panic. Once in a blue moon I'll get really angry but it will be so intense and anxious that it just grows and grows until I feel like I will never be able to let it all go with out hurting myself or someone else. Despite all my best efforts the concepts of self-harm or suicide feel more and more helpful. That, I think is a feeling that I just don't know how to cope with my emotions.

People have said to me; don't go away and think about this; just let it go; just take a deep breath and move on etc. It's simply not possible. Between having obsessive thought patterns and an anxiety issue that will not help, unfortunately that appears to be the only advice people have to offer.

Unfortunately I don't really have any advice, but I wanted to let you know that you are not the only one who has this.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Ettina, first of all I would like to say I really respect you for seeking help with this :) I know it may sound weird, since the behavior is destructive rather than constructive. But I used to have family members who did this to each other and they never sought any help.

About those steps. I used to have both problems (although probably not in the same way that you do). I would feel pretty calm and more or less relaxed, and then some trigger would happen and I'd become a roaring lion. And that seemed like it happened all of a sudden too. But I spoke about that with my therapist and she reminded me that I'm actually really tense all the time -I'm so used to it, that I'm not even aware of it. So the anger was really already under my skin all the time and just needed a small thing to burst out, even if I felt calm the moment before.

Maybe you could try to see how your anger works. At moments when you feel "normal", try to figure out how close or how far the anger really is to you. Probably won't help you with your problem but getting to know yourself can aid you over the long run. The second point: it sounds like you need to blow off some steam in a good way (meaning, not towards yourself or other people). Maybe you can still exit the situation, and then punch something (a punchbag?) or scream in a pillow or the like. Do something very active, try not to give your brain the chance to think self-destructive.

Maybe that's what they meant by distracting yourself. And I know a brain on PTSD is extremely difficult to distract, so maybe you can't, but you do need to get rid of the tension because it will make you think/behave more negative.

 

[Anna]

I learned to deal with it by shutting all emotions off completly to the point of not caring. If you are unable to feel anything and are numb people cannot wind you up.

I cared way too much in the past, I would also hurt myself. I learned most people are just idiots, there are actually very few nice people out there, sometimes sadly family members can be idiots too, worst thing is you have to put up with them.

I am now shutting out bad people, those people who trigger or try to take advantage of my illness. I learned to control my anger, but it took well over a decade. Most days I feel empty and numb. I also seem to filter out emotional blackmail, or not hear when people say something to provoke me.

 

[Ettina]

But I spoke about that with my therapist and she reminded me that I'm actually really tense all the time -I'm so used to it, that I'm not even aware of it.

I used to be like that when I was in school (I was bullied a lot and had no friends). I describe it as 'forgetting how to feel happy'. I was sad and scared all the time, and the slightest thing would happen.

It's not like that anymore. Between outbursts, I do have a lot of times where I'm actually happy. But when someone sets me off I go from 0-100 right away.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I didn't mean that I feel bad all the time. Actually, I feel happy most of the time too, like you. And then something happens (in my case it's mostly sounds that trigger me) and all of a sudden I explode.

But this happens because my body and mind are on "alert-mode" all the time, even when I'm not even aware of it. Even when I actually think that I am more or less relaxed. So if this is happening in your case too, maybe you need to find a way to get your body or/and your mind off the alert mode. But this is only based on my own experience though :)