How To Start Over/find A New Job Without A Reference

[Mike W]

I quit my job last December due to overwork and bullying, and feeling extremely triggered. I did not give notice, as I felt leaving was urgent for both me and the workplace.

I had a major PTSD relapse the next month, which was the 10 year anniversary of my PTSD experience/diagnosis. I sent former co-workers many abusive and angry threatening emails and texts, they seemed rational and sane to me at the time. They were awful and hateful, very abusive and threatening. I'm ashamed of them now.

My former workplace called the police, and I was charged with 2 counts of uttering threats. I was able to secure legal aid, and my lawyer is helping me have the charges dismissed, as they stem from a health situation. I have a no contact order with anyone from my former workplace, as this is still before the courts.

I have a lot of shame over what I said in the texts and emails, and worry a lot about what former co-workers are saying and thinking about me. I was at my job for 4 years, I was good at it and miss parts of it, but not the disrespect and stress.

My medical employment insurance ends next week. I will then convert to regular benefits until this coming December.

I've completed a Wellness Recovery Action Plan and start Anger Management and Understanding Stress courses in a couple of weeks. I initiated these on my own to help with my legal situation, but mostly because I want to get better. I'm also on the waiting list for a mental health worker.

My biggest worry is what I'm going to do to find my next job. I don't think my former manager or director will give me a reference due to my horrible personal attacks on them. I had a gap in employment of 6 years prior to my last job. I don't have any other references, and can't ask former co-workers for help as they've been instructed not to communicate with me, and I can't legally initiate contact. I don't think any of them would be willing to risk their own jobs to help me.

My plan is to volunteer at the mental health resource centre for 6 months or so and then ask them to provide me with a reference, leaving off my last job all together, which would leave a 10 year gap in employment. I could just tell a future employer I was dealing with a health issue (the truth) that I've worked hard to resolve, and hope to leave it at that.

Another option would be to have an advocate (mental health worker) call my former employer on my behalf once the legal problem is resolved and some time has passed and explain I had a PTSD psychotic breakdown, have taken steps to resolve it, won't harass or contact my former employer again, and ask if they would give a reference to confirm employment without discussing my health situation or events that followed my employment.

I have a lot of anxiety and worry that I'll never work again and will end up destitute and homeless. Any suggestions or advise would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

 

[Kintsugi]

I think asking for confirmation that you worked for someone for 10 years would be the most valuable source of reference, because even if it ended in an ugly way, that is a long time to work somewhere and provides a record of stamina and reliability, regardless of its ending.

I was going to suggest volunteering, so it seems like you're on the right path. :tup:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I too am looking for any job that I can get. I have a long gap between when I last worked and threw away all of the phone numbers I had stupidly over the years and have no references and this is the third time today someone said to volunteer. I guess I will have to look into that for me.

Do not give up and keep on trying. I took an anger management class many years ago and it helped me out so much. Good luck on the job hunt!

 

[Kailani]

. Sorry the computer is on the fritz

 

[Kailani]

Maybe if you switched fields it would be a fresh start; many people switch careers. Can you think of anyone personally there that you could use as a reference? I wouldn't give new potential employers too much info, volunteering is awesome. Can you put anything else on your resume that occurred at that time? Helping family, moving, training... That situation is a good reason to have two jobs because if one goes bad even if not your fault there is a back up. Maybe you could go to school or get specialized training for another job. That looks good. Hope you find something that works for you!

 

[Mike W]

Thanks all for the help
I'm not sure how much to disclose to a potential employer about my C-PTSD and reactions under extreme stress. It would be nice to have reasonable understanding and accommodation but there's the risk of being seen as too damaged to hire.
It's taken me 5 months just to get calm and begin functioning again, I'm going to concentrate on my courses and volunteering for the next 6 months.

For sure I will be changing fields - my last job was a security dispatcher and the emergency situations were highly triggering. I'm going to look for a less stressful customer service call centre position, maybe around November ahead of the holidays.

Good luck to you all too.

 

[Friday]

I'm trying to think if I've ever used a reference in any job I've actually gotten (as opposed to applied for).

I don't think so. Maybe. But I really can think of one.

Clearly, I'm not someone for whom education/work history is vital (degrees, internships, residency, published, worked with/under so&so, etc.). For those fields? Medicine, teaching, politics, acting, law, whatever... There are usually some work arounds to having royally f*cked up, but it would be pretty key in talking with people in your field to find out what avenues would work best with your situation.

Ive worked a lot of different jobs over the years. Here's how I basically think of them:

1. Jobby-Jobs : Entry Level : Blue Collar & White Collar
2. Semi-Serious Jobs / Careers : Basic Certifications Required (3mo-2years)
3. Serious No Experience Required. (Think police, military, fire, peace corps, etc.)
4. Serious Jobs / Careers : Degree'd to Advanced Training. Bachelors to Doctorate,
5. Highly Specialized

I've worked all kinds of jobs in the first 3 categories. 3 is the easiest; since you "just" sign on the dotted line. Next up, is the 2nd. Getting the certifications opens doors & provides immediate contacts. The first is the hardest, just because these are jobs nearly anyone can do. These are the work history and reference types matter, just because... The job itself... Is something nearly everyone can do! So that's who you're competing against for the job. Everyone. It also means that references & work history are largely useless. Because "everyone" has them. Except first time job seekers / parents returning to the workforce / etc. But they often try so hard to "have" work history & refs that they end up blending in, anyway. (There are times you won't get your foot in the door without them. Scrap those jobs, anyway, IMO.) If anything, I've found that not having work history & references -more often than not- makes prospective employers look harder at me. Which is a benefit. Anything that makes you stand out from the crowd. As long as my personality clicks with the manager? Boom. Job. If not? I wouldn't have enjoyed working there, anyway.

For myself, coming back from periods of unemployment... I usually go after "burner-jobs". These are jobby-jobs whose sole purpose is self confidence & the grocery bill. I not going to be there in 5 years. I don't particularly care what they are -as long as they're not in "my" field- so I can f*ck up at my leisure. I plan on being fired & or quitting at least a few of them before finding my groove. Once I'm back in the groove? I tend to move onto Semi-Serious jobs.

I can, & have, gone after Semi-Serious off the bat. Usually because I fall into it. For me, whether I'm going after a jobby-job or a semi-serious job is 50% self confidence & 50% knowing WTF I wanna be doing with my life. If the answer to either of those questions is :eek: ? I work a job I don't care about until I trust myself enough to work a job I do care about.

 

[Mike W]

I think a burner jobby job will be my option when I'm ready. For the bills & confidence.

My last job was semi serious: entry level government, after 6 years homeless then living in crap subsidized housing earning a counselling certificate while battling addictions.

My self esteem is in the toilet, not one of my former work "friends"/supports reached out to me after I left. I'm thinking I was a liability long before I realized I was in full breakdown/crises mode and needed to leave. My psychotic behaviour after leaving killed any remaining friendships I may have had. I don't think I was liked or valued and I obsess about that every day. I didn't ever belong there, and it hurts bad.

I'm trying to think positive: I have a nice & safe apartment with 2 lovely cats and an income for the rest of the year. My physical health is not bad, and I have some time to take the courses I want to help me, resolve the legal matter from my charges and lose some seroquel weight, which I've wanted to do for a long time.

On the negative side I have no family or friends outside of support groups, I'm rude and abusive to anyone around me when triggered, I struggle with massive anger, shame, depression and anxiety, and I'm terrified that at 46 years old I'm going to spend the rest of my life quitting one job after another until I'm too old to work and end up dying alone, afraid and in extreme poverty. It's not looking too good today.

 

[Mike W]

I've been reading other posts and am shocked by how many other PTSD survivors have been gaslit and set up to fail by former employers. It takes some of the guilt and self blame off of me that I'm not a complete f*ck up and my situation isn't as unique as I had blamed myself for.
A lot of former employers with a little power and no empathy sure don't believe in karma.

 

[Mike W]

Last weekend I finally threw out my notes and old emails from my last job, then got a resume together to apply for a volunteer position as a peer support provider at Mood Disorders Association. It took me 6 months of complete physical and mental exhaustion to finally do this. It felt good to let go, but also sad because I remembered how good I actually was at my job, and how bad it got being bullied and disrespected out of my position.

My court matter (2 x uttering threats to former coworkers) has been sent to mediation, meaning it's been diverted from the court system and I won't have a criminal charge after completing the process. I don't know if my former workplace will participate or not. My case worker is very understanding that my former manager & I had strong value differences in how clients and employees with mental health should be respected and supported (to put it diplomatically).

After being on wait lists for months I've connected with a counsellor I like, on a sliding fee scale, and who I trust to start working through PTSD issues like Anger Management. Same week I got an intake appointment at Mental Health, and am being assigned a Recovery and Rehab worker to help with my goals: volunteering then employment.

To get around a formal reference from my last job, I've put together a package of commendation emails from former coworkers at that job that I could submit along with a reference from volunteering, after I've done that for 6 months or so. Could work? I was able to convert my Employment Insurance claim from sick benefits to regular benefits, a bit of a struggle and hugely stressful, but a big relief that I have an income until the end of the year.

Finally, I've completed a request for more info from Canada Revenue Agency regarding my application for the Disability Tax Benefit, which would reach back 10 years and could potentially help with a good amount of retroactive cash, and hopefully open some doors to other services. I wrote a detailed self assessment, it's hard to be so open regarding past suicide attempts and psychotic fears and behaviours, hoping it might actually get through to some poverty profiteer normal sitting at a desk somewhere.

It's a bit overwhelming having this spurt of activity after spending so many weeks and months lying in bed and on my couch, hating myself and everyone/thing else so deeply. Hoping to keep on a bit of a role and not slide back. Feels pretty good though, having some better days, even just the absence of horrible days. I even let myself smile a few times lol

 

[LookingIn]

I hear a lot of should and must in your post but not a lot of love and cherish. What do you love? What makes you feel safe? I loved my dog. When I was really sick I wasn't great with humans but I could "do" dogs. And motorcycles. I lived for my bike. I was fortunate that I never did anything I felt I would have to try to hide, but I did have to re-spin a lot, in my own mind and on my applications. If I were beside you now I'd hear you say call centre sounds achievable, and then I'd say park that whole idea, achievable isn't enough. Talk to me about passion, about a sense of peace, about security, about joy. If this were a perfect world and a recruiter could see your heart, where would they employ you? Call centres can be soul destroying, a few people find their calling there but not all. If we were talking not about wages but about your soul, your passion, your reason to get out of bed in the morning, where would you truly glow?

 

[Mike W]

I haven't had much joy or passion for anything in a long while.
I have 2 cats that I love, and they love me every day, even when I can't stand myself. Give me a reason to get up, even give me crap when I haven't showered in a week.

The best part of my last job was speaking to and helping clients with mental health issues, and who were usually in distress. I don't think this was ever noticed or appreciated by management. I felt it gave me & my job value, to be a peer support & advocate.

I have a Counselling Certificate that I worked hard for and am proud of, what i would really like to do is provide peer support, once I get my own stuff together. The volunteer job is a way of entering that field, hopefully I will be able to convert that to a paid position eventually. I find the mental health field to be more open to supporting involvement & employment from within its own community than other fields. I have a lot of "I'm just a big f*ck up" baggage to work through, as well as maybe not being objective or honest with myself about my last employer & my reasons for leaving. It was an unhealthy place for me, but I also played a role in my circumstances and how I was treated, and when triggered I was a disrespectful angry mess.

I find call centres to be a safer & more comfortable personally, due to high anxiety and being easily triggered. Although there's certainly a fair share of A-Holes in call centres as well.

I think I could do well in a structured environment away from a call centre, like a community centre, resource centre, safe house etc. My biggest problem will probably be my self esteem, and continuing to define myself by how others treated me at my last job, being treated disrespectfully, not communicated with or supported, and laughed at in front of my face & behind my back. Being lied to and back stabbed by people I thought were my friends.

I'm feeling highly unlikeable and not worth much. That's where my primary focus is on now, after that I can reach higher I hope. If I need to get just a job to pay the bills eventually, a call centre would do...but I think youre right, I should expect more for myself and not be afraid of working (and living) where & how makes me happier.

Thanks for looking in.