how can I stop her from hurting me and making me go back to being 6 so easily.
Hi Nighthawlk,
Your kindness and tolerance is a huge inhibitor when it comes to protecting yourself from people like your mother. I was in the same boat until last year. It stinks when a parent turns on their own child for what seems to be the most ridiculous reasons. Like it's our fault that their life sucks somehow. I'm sorry, but we didn't choose life; our parents did. In the case of tragic death, like that of your sister, often times the survivors experience extreme guilt just for still being alive. Maybe your mom feels that guilt, and in an effort to protect her own mental health, she is projecting that guilt onto you. You probably won't ever get a straight answer out of her regarding why she treats you like she does.
My father beat me badly my whole childhood, and that was almost all the attention I got from him. I confronted him as to why he focused on my two half sisters so intently, and ignored me literally. I would stand in front of him and call out his name dozens of times; he would just sit there, and never flinch or even look up at me. He told me I was out of my mind at first, but the more I pushed with detailed examples he couldn't deny, he finally told me this; "Meli, your sisters needed me more than you did. You have a mother, they don't". Hmmmm? That still doesn't make sense to me. He denied me a father, so that my sisters could feel wholly loved. "Nice, Dad"!
Last year I had to go to my mom's, which is also my dad's, and feed my python that she was babysitting for me. Dabi took forever to eat, and no one was home, so I wondered around the house looking at things. I noticed my dad's guitar sitting there and plucked a string. Wow, it sent me into an abyss. I thought; here is this guitar with not a speck of dust on it, perfectly tuned, and guarded from grandchildren. My father can take so much care for a stupid instrument, but felt no obligation to care for me. It really did turn on some lights in my world, if you know what I mean. I don't know why I didn't realize this before; the guitar isn't something new.
That guitar, like my sisters, gives him something that he craves. He loves the praise when he performs musically, and my sisters have put him on a pedestal. At 44 and 46 years old, they still call him "my Daddy". I can't raise him to that kind of adoration; he beat the sh*t out of me my whole childhood. Therefore, all my efforts to impress him have been in vain. I had to come to grips with this, and man was it hard. HE'S NEVER GOING TO LOVE ME LIKE I WANT HIM TO. HE'S NEVER GOING TO RESPECT THE KIND OF LIFE THAT I WANT UNLESS I ENFORCE IT. AND I WILL NEVER BE MY SISTERS, THEY ARE HIS FAVORITES AND ALWAYS WILL BE.
That brings me to this advice... Don't worry so much, in fact "at all", about what your mom thinks of you. Ask yourself "Why do I care so much what she thinks, or how much she loves me"? Your mom is capable of love and tenderness for her children, just the same as my father. They've both shown that, just not for us. Ok, so they made part of our lives crappy and lonely, why let them ruin our adult lives now? You are not obligated to be a part of your mom's life, if you don't want to. And you absolutely have every right to say; "Hey mom, I don't like what you say to me, so if you'd like to spend time with me again, you'll have to change your attitude". We're adults, we aren't 6 anymore. I used to revert to childlike behavior in my dad's prensence too. He's nasty and cruel with his words, and I just stood there grinning. I didn't think I was allowed to say "F*ck off Dad", like some bolt of lightning would strike me down if I did. I know now that won't happen, I've tested those waters, and you wouldn't believe how good it feels.
It took some time to ride out the fear and guilt of disrespecting my father, but today... my relationship with him is what I want it to be. Unfortunately, he couldn't change his attitude at 65 years old, so I chose to take him completely out of my life. But maybe your mom will be able to comprehend that if she hurts you with those words, you won't be around. And maybe that will be enough to straighten her out. I'm hoping that is the case for you, but there comes a time in our lives when we have to make hard decisions about the people around us. It all boils down to what's best for you. If you can handle her mouth, than great, continue to be in her life. But if you can't, you gotta do what you need to do for yourself.
My father actually had the balls to look sad at our family reunion because he had been informed to NOT APPROACH MELI. I'm just done with the fakity fake father of the year hugs and kisses, when he slams my personality and failures the rest of the time, and is still abusing my mother. Done, done, done!!!
THIS IS OUR LIFE, NOT OUR PARENTS'.
You'll have to make your own decisions as to what to do about your mom. Please don't do anything drastic on my advice alone. Just because it has been a relief for me, doesn't mean it would certainly be a relief for you. It may or may not be, I justed wanted to let you know that you have options. That you get chose who's in your llife, and what that relationship is going to be.
Remember how our parents told us our finger painting was the best in the world, and it wasn't? Well, that's proof enough for me that they aren't experts at everything, and they certainly can't judge us. I actually feel pity for my father now because of how highly dysfunctional and unhappy he is all the time. It simply doesn't matter what he thinks of me, and never did. I'll surround myself with good people, and be just fine. He's just a man to me now, and that's his doing not mine; no guilt here because I tried for 40 years. Isn't that enough time to evaluate the worth in a relationship? I think so.
Chin up Nighthawlk, you just need the right group of peeps.
~Meli
