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Relationship How to support a partner with PTSD

bjohnson25

New Here
Hi all,

My partner has recently self admitted to a trauma/rehabilitation facility and is completing a 3 week intensive program. I’m posting as he only received an official diagnosis of PTSD about 2 months ago now, and without going into too much detail he received repeated sexual, physical and emotional abuse from a family member for years as a child. I’m really struggling as the more I read and educate myself on PTSD, the more I realise the ways in which it is affecting my relationship with him. He is easily set off and often has outbursts of anger towards me, not that they have ever been physical but he becomes quite verbally abusive towards me, and the things he has said to me during these episodes has left me shattered.

Whilst he is inpatient I’m trying to do as much research on how I can best support my partner whilst he receives help for his PTSD. I often feel like our arguments are frequent, and I react with anger as I get heated in the moment of being verbally attacked. After all we have been through it has recently left me feeling quite defeated, confused, sad, overwhelmed and like I have failed him as a partner. Does anyone have any general advice for how to best support a partner with PTSD? Really trying as I feel like our relationship is slowly deteriorating due to these episodes :(
 
One bit of advice is to stop taking lashing out personally. Easier said than done, eh? It’s a reaction to stress, and you just happen to be the safest target.

Don’t engage. Don’t defend yourself, fight back or get loud. It’s like pouring gasoline on a fire.

Instead, set a boundary. “I will not participate in meltdowns. I will remove myself from the equation every single time.” Notice the boundary is an “I” statement and not a “you” one. You can only control your own behaviors, so it is up to you to enforce it. He can respect it or not.

When my partner lashes out I will calmly say “I love you but I will not be yelled at (or whatevz). When you are ready to have a conversation you can call me.” Then I remove myself from the room, house, phone call, or what have you. Over the years he has learned that if he wants to holler, he can holler at the wall. If he has an issue with me he needs to use his big-boy inside voice.
 
One bit of advice is to stop taking lashing out personally. Easier said than done, eh? It’s a reaction to stress, and you just happen to be the safest target.
Something I’ve started doing lately is giving myself pet names, per outburst type.

Today? / Most commonly? I’m …The Root of All Evil.
Also commonly? I’m… Everything I Do Is Wrong. (This one has a song!)
Yesterday / Intermittently I get to be … SHIVA, Destroyer of Worlds. 🙄

There are a few others.

I wouldn’t tolerate ANY of this in a romantic relationship, although I’ve gotta helluva lotta wiggle room for physical violence; most people are the opposite, they’ve got wiggle room for verbal assaults but not physical. Shrug. To each their own.

So all this verbal/emotional lashing out? And ways to cope/manage it? Are brand spanking new to me. Well. A few years in the making. Family with PTSD. So. Freaking. Awesome. (Brick wall. Bang head.)

I also revert to TODDLER HOUSE RULES rather often.
- If you whine you don’t get what you want.
- If you throw a tantrum, you don’t get what you want AND you ME!!Myself&I!!! am taking a timeout. ((Until my… Holy Mary mother of f*ck, God grant me a BURST of patience, or I swear to, OMFG, che cazzo che cazzo vafunculo fai motherf*cking cocksucking fils putain, voila! merde, grrrrrrr!!! wears off… and I feel cool reason replacing hot emotion. 😡 😎
- It’s OKAY to yell if there’s danger, or I’m far away.
- Back up. Try again. (Tone. Tone matters. As does your sneering & snarling. Which can f*ck right off.)
- Arguing with children is like arguing with furniture. We all do it from time to time, but it’s usually regrettable.

***
The pet names let me find the funny..

(and are also strangely conversant. Sister walks into kitchen, tilts head “I see you’re Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds, today.” //“Yep” and the day carries on, neither of us particularly bothered by the Tasmanian Devil storming about.)

…and provide some distance, both mentally/emotionally.

The Toddler House Rules mostly kick me into the mindset of “Nope. This is not about me. Full stop.” as well as reinforce my own boundaries.
 
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One bit of advice is to stop taking lashing out personally. Easier said than done, eh? It’s a reaction to stress, and you just happen to be the safest target.

Don’t engage. Don’t defend yourself, fight back or get loud. It’s like pouring gasoline on a fire.

Instead, set a boundary. “I will not participate in meltdowns. I will remove myself from the equation every single time.” Notice the boundary is an “I” statement and not a “you” one. You can only control your own behaviors, so it is up to you to enforce it. He can respect it or not.

When my partner lashes out I will calmly say “I love you but I will not be yelled at (or whatevz). When you are ready to have a conversation you can call me.” Then I remove myself from the room, house, phone call, or what have you. Over the years he has learned that if he wants to holler, he can holler at the wall. If he has an issue with me he needs to use his big-boy inside voice.
Definitely much easier said than done! 😭 I’ve been trying this method lately, walking away, not responding or disengaging when he yells and gets in my face. (Just very hard to as I have intermittent explosive disorder i.e. this is often triggered within me when someone is screaming or yelling at me). I find it saves me a lot of energy and whilst he’s left wanting me to engage and retaliate, walking away and removing myself from the situation saves me from getting angry and saying a lot of things I don’t necessarily mean either. Just hard as I definitely agree, not fair to tolerate any form of verbal abuse whether it’s “warranted” or unwarranted. Thanks for the advice I appreciate it more than you know :)
 
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