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How to use triggers as a means to recovery?

#25
I know that this is an old post, but @Changing4Best I hope that it worked out for you. I kept jumping into the fire going out with new people until I ran into a woman that insisted on being whole before getting into a relationship. I took her advice to heart. I'm going to lick my wounds and try to repair myself before jumping in again. I have a severe deficiency; I am so driven to satisfy my partners needs that I have no concept of what my needs are. The last two women, when in bed with them, would ask me what I needed and I froze, I couldn't think of anything. I'm imagining that 99% of people would have been able to communicate what was going wrong, but because it was my one partners behavior (like completely disconnecting, during intercourse, with me as if they were being sexually assaulted, in reaction to which, I would go limp and they would pull away and rage on me for being impotent). I knew the answer months after the relationship was over. I needed them to stay present with me and show me that they were in love with me and making sounds or expressions that demonstrated their pleasure. But, at the time I had no clue what my needs were.
I really hope that you found happiness. I'm afraid that by the time I get this all figured out I'm going to be hobbling around with a cane and drooling... :):):)
I want to apologize, I'm new here and I responded with something unrelated to the original post. It doesn't have to do with triggers or stressors. I suppose it's dissociating or something? I also didn't mean the three smilies... I'll figure this out...
 
#26
I know that this is an old post, but @Changing4Best I hope that it worked out for you. I kept jumping into the fire going out with new people until I ran into a woman that insisted on being whole before getting into a relationship. I took her advice to heart. I'm going to lick my wounds and try to repair myself before jumping in again. I have a severe deficiency; I am so driven to satisfy my partners needs that I have no concept of what my needs are. The last two women, when in bed with them, would ask me what I needed and I froze, I couldn't think of anything. I'm imagining that 99% of people would have been able to communicate what was going wrong, but because it was my one partners behavior (like completely disconnecting, during intercourse, with me as if they were being sexually assaulted, in reaction to which, I would go limp and they would pull away and rage on me for being impotent). I knew the answer months after the relationship was over. I needed them to stay present with me and show me that they were in love with me and making sounds or expressions that demonstrated their pleasure. But, at the time I had no clue what my needs were.
I really hope that you found happiness. I'm afraid that by the time I get this all figured out I'm going to be hobbling around with a cane and drooling... :):):)
Aw! Start off as friend first so that you can see what you are getting - minimum of 6 months. If someone can’t be your friend w/o sex For 6 months then it is a deal breaker Clearly their motives aren’t pure. Many people seem like they are together when they are not and the last thing I need is more trouble. My sheets aren’t hot a lot (lol) but I also don’t have to beat myself up for years after saying “how did I miss that”?
 
#27
Aw! Start off as friend first so that you can see what you are getting - minimum of 6 months. If someone can’t be your friend w/o sex For 6 months then it is a deal breaker Clearly their motives aren’t pure. Many people seem like they are together when they are not and the last thing I need is more trouble. My sheets aren’t hot a lot (lol) but I also don’t have to beat myself up for years after saying “how did I miss that”?
Thank you so much @Widow_of_one . I hear you. It's an internal battle. I want the human physical connection so badly that it hurts. But, I know that your words are true 🙏
 
#29
Thank you so much @Widow_of_one . I hear you. It's an internal battle. I want the human physical connection so badly that it hurts. But, I know that your words are true 🙏
Also, ask yourself this question: would I stay with this person for 6 months w/o sex? If the answer is no then you aren’t being honest with yourself. I ask myself: “now if I had to pay for dinner tonight would I go?” If the answer is no then I have my answer he isn’t for me.
 
#30
But being physics doesn’t have to mean sex! Holding hands, hugging, sleeping in the same bed, all are nice and steps towards a closer authentic relationship that lasts forever!!
Thank you for your kind words @Widow_of_one, I know what you're saying. But, when I want to do the things you suggested, they want more. I know that I need to assert myself. I know that. But, I'm a pleaser co-dependent and it's not that easy for me.
 
#31
Also, ask yourself this question: would I stay with this person for 6 months w/o sex? If the answer is no then you aren’t being honest with yourself. I ask myself: “now if I had to pay for dinner tonight would I go?” If the answer is no then I have my answer he isn’t for me.
I understand what you're saying. I know that the truth is that I need to control my severe need for attachment. I need to continuously comfort my inner-child and assure them that we're fine on our own. That way when I find someone, I will not be the one pushing the relationship forward. My inner-child being fine with being alone is what will give me the strength to just hold hands and be content with a slow process. I know it. But, even when I pass the most abusive partner I've had driving to the store my heart goes through the roof and I would do anything to be with her. I know it's a process. Blessings to you. :-)
 
#33
See red flags are everywhere. As adults of course we are tempted. I have come to realize that because I am disassociated I don’t have much pleasure in my life so when I would meet a nice person who likes me and I liked him I would go overboard! Most times it was an illusion that we were compatible and the couple of times it wasn’t this intensity lead to us breaking up because other responsibilities were ignored!!
 
#34
See red flags are everywhere. As adults of course we are tempted. I have come to realize that because I am disassociated I don’t have much pleasure in my life so when I would meet a nice person who likes me and I liked him I would go overboard! Most times it was an illusion that we were compatible and the couple of times it wasn’t this intensity lead to us breaking up because other responsibilities were ignored!!
Your words really resonate! I have made large strides towards not going too fast, but as you've read, it's not easy for me. I create this imaginary perfect match and my intensity would push them away. I've realized that it's my emotionally starved for human contact ( hand holding, snuggling, hugging as you said earlier) inner-child that is demanding it. As you said, the balance is hard. But, I'm sort of retired now and the lack of companionship is just exacerbating the loneliness. But, I am reading trauma help books voraciously... praying for an answer... :-)
 
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