Supporter Husband has multiple mental illnesses - please help

[Roseinpain]

Hi, I am in deep pain to an extent that I have self killing thoughts and I get nightmares.

15 Nov 2021 is the date I will never forget in my life . This is the day when I discovered my husband addiction to strip club, escorts, prostitution and drugs. Married for almost 17 years now I always thought that we had a strong marriage.

I started feeling something off from April 2021 where my husband used to have mood swings , always coming home late from work , going to office work yours during Covid 19.

finally on 15 Nov 2021. He confessed that he is going yo strip club 3-4 times a week and sleeping with prostitutes. He said first time he went , he thought he will grab a drink and sit there for 1 hour and heave but it ended up in hiring an escort and having sex. He said he couldn’t handle what he did but still went back next day to hire same escort and ended up using drugs and from there the cycle continued.

my husband also said that he tried stopping this cycle but he couldn’t and he ended up spending 220,000$ in 6 months.

i am completely devastated. I felt so foolish that u never bother to even check bank accounts as I trusted him so much.



he has also accepted that he has porn addiction since 2012 to an extent that he was watching porn every day first thing in the morning.



in 2012 he suggested we should combine our super in to self manage super and he wants to invest in shares himself. He is trying hard to learn share marked from last 22 years with no success and has even lost 100,000$ in shares before we met when he was around 25 years old.

anyways I was shocked yo find that he has wiped off all our superannuation of last 16 years by investing in wrong shares that he never updated me.

I am completely lost as I always thought he is a honest guy. He is looking after my elderly mother very well.

Dr has diagnosed him with major depressive disorder, PTSD, OCD, maniac state (for his 6 months of sex addiction, drug addiction, reckless behaviour) where he acted completely opposite to his usual behaviour.



his older brother has schizophrenia and older duster has severe depression.

he also confessed that from last 10 years he started feeling very stressed for his work and developed the habit of watching porn every day.



he is on antidepressants, doing recovery work, quit drugs but still has mood swings here and there.



i am still lost and depressed.



sorry for writing such a long message. Please help



Regards

Rose

 

[sp2007]

Hi Rose,

I am so sorry to hear your story. Finding out this sort of thing about your partner is extremely traumatizing. I am in a better place than when I first posted - but I have a long way to go - so I don't know that I have THE answer that will help you, but I am happy to share my experience and perhaps something in that will bring you some comfort. At the very least, it may help you to know that you are not alone.

It has taken me many years and many painful episodes with my partner to finally truly accept that this is who he is, to stop focusing on him "getting better" and hoping that things will go back to how I thought they were. To be fair, this has only happened in the last few months - since he walked out over the summer - and I am not entirely sure what caused the change.

It may be that a self-preservation instinct finally kicked in - it may be that I finally just got so tired of this that I gave up - I honestly do not know. My hope is that something similar happens for you - that acceptance comes, because for me, that has given me the ability to see that change is possible in my life. I do not quite have the courage yet to realize that change, but every day gets me a little closer. I can see possibilities in my life that I could not see or imagine previously.

I have also been with my partner a long time. He is still in my life but it is not the same relationship. Most importantly, I do not feel the same way about him that I once did. I have had to learn that you can feel compassion for those who do terrible things - for whatever "illness" may have caused them to behave in the way they do - but you cannot let your compassion control the outcome. You must face the reality, as painful as that may be. I have also learned that someone can be both good as well as bad - and that having to sit with that dissonance is not at all comfortable, but it is necessary to keep your balance.

I cannot give you advice about what to do, but I can urge you to take care of yourself, to try to guard against further hurt and to seek out local in-person support and resources to assist you in that. I'd be lying if I didn't say that your comments about the financial aspects of what you experienced concern me deeply. In my case, I am extremely fortunate not to be financially or legally tied to my partner, as his financial situation is quite bad and that has been something that I have had to manage as well - thankfully, only from an emotional perspective. However, it has caused me a great deal of sadness as I do feel sorry for him, but I have had to create boundaries to protect myself, which has not been easy. I suppose that is another lesson learned for me in all this: empathy is a extremely positive trait to have, but it is important to be wise and not let it be used against you.

Please take good care,
sp2007

 

[Riley Jones]

Hello Rose,

First and foremost, I want to acknowledge the immense pain and betrayal you're experiencing right now. It's truly heartbreaking to hear about the overwhelming situation you're in, and I want to commend you for reaching out and sharing your story. Your feelings are valid, and it's crucial to seek support during such a challenging time.

The discovery of your husband's actions and the subsequent betrayal can feel like an enormous weight to carry. It is not unusual to feel lost, confused, and overwhelmed by emotions after such revelations. The impact on mental health, trust, and the relationship can be profound, and it’s perfectly okay to seek help to work through these feelings.

You mentioned experiencing self-harming thoughts. I strongly encourage you to reach out to a mental health professional or a crisis line in your area immediately. Your well-being is of utmost importance, and having someone to talk to who can provide support and guidance is crucial.

In our community at myptsd.com, you will find a compassionate group of people who understand the complexities of living with PTSD and CPTSD, whether it's from trauma related to relationships, personal experiences, or other sources. Sharing your story and reading about others’ experiences can provide a sense of relief and connection.

There are specific forums on myptsd.com where discussions about relationships, trust, betrayal, and mental health challenges are ongoing. You’ll find people who have faced similar struggles, and their insights might help you feel less isolated. Engaging in these forums can be a step towards healing, but they don't replace professional help.

I urge you to prioritize self-care and consider professional counseling for yourself as well. It's important to focus on your mental health and find ways to rebuild trust in yourself and others.

Please remember, you are not alone, and there is hope for healing and recovery. Take everything one step at a time, and know that the community is here to support you.

With compassion and understanding,

Riley Jones

 

[Sideways]

Mod Note:
@Roseinpain - I’ve created a new thread with your post so that folks can reply without derailing the thread where you posted this originally. Any questions, just hit us up at Contact.

 

[arfie]

hello rose. welcome to the community. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

you are already implementing my most urgent piece of advice: get help for yourself. in my own case, i had been in psychotherapy for 7 years before i married my spouse, so when the cracks in my marriage started crumbling in the late 80's, i already had some clues on the futility of trying to change other people. i skipped that step and went straight to getting help for myself. i not only saved considerable time, wear and tear. i saved my marriage, as well. we haven't lived together in all the years hence, but we remain functional enough to be working our second parenting career together for our orphaned grandchildren.

whether or not your spouse recovers from his illness in not in your control. whether or not you pursue recovery is ENTIRELY in your hands. joining our community is a mighty fine start in pursuing your own recovery. steadying support while you decide where to go from here.

welcome aboard.

 

[plain_and_normal]

What is a marriage? Vows.
What are vows? Expectations.
(Interpretations of expectations)
Altering your boundaries will possibly save your relationship at the cost of your sanity. Whereas reinforcing your boundaries will guard your mental health but exclude interpersonal connections.
This is a defining moment in your life,
betrayal is a terrible wound i am sorry.

 

[Roseinpain]

Hello everyone,

I am very grateful for your honest reply and advise.
thank you for sharing what you have gone through and it’s definitely a strength for me.

I am taking help which is really bringing the focus on myself and not on my husband,

I have also joined SAnon, have a sponsor, attending meetings and doing 12 steps which I am finding very helpful.


i thought about separation and divorce but hold back because of two reasons.

First he looks after my mum very well in her old age and she adores him as a son. She will be devastated if I share the truth with her.

Second my husband has remorse and actively working on his recovery doing 12 steps , seeing drs etc and from last 1.5 years has no relapse (but ofcourse who knows)

he has repentance but I also know that relapse is always possible .

I am also working on my recovery with a strong belief that my recovery is not dependent on his recovery and we all have to carry our cross. So whether my husband choose to stay in recovery or not it shouldn’t impact me.

this is my first relationship and marriage so I am devastated and sometimes also feel that I cannot trust him ever the way I was trusting him before.

I also confess that if I take this whole episode out of the picture he has always supported me in every area of my life including my studies, career, household responsibilities, my health conditions.

so I feel unfair and unethical to leave him alone during his mental health challenges.

 

[Roseinpain]

hello rose. welcome to the community. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

you are already implementing my most urgent piece of advice: get help for yourself. in my own case, i had been in psychotherapy for 7 years before i married my spouse, so when the cracks in my marriage started crumbling in the late 80's, i already had some clues on the futility of trying to change other people. i skipped that step and went straight to getting help for myself. i not only saved considerable time, wear and tear. i saved my marriage, as well. we haven't lived together in all the years hence, but we remain functional enough to be working our second parenting career together for our orphaned grandchildren.

whether or not your spouse recovers from his illness in not in your control. whether or not you pursue recovery is ENTIRELY in your hands. joining our community is a mighty fine start in pursuing your own recovery. steadying support while you decide where to go from here.

welcome aboard.

Hello airfie,

I am very grateful for your honest reply and advise.
thank you for sharing what you have gone through and it’s definitely a strength for me.

If possible will you like to share some self care strategies that has helped you to recover from betrayal trauma?

I am taking help which is really bringing the focus on myself and not on my husband,

I have also joined SAnon, have a sponsor, attending meetings and doing 12 steps which I am finding very helpful.


i thought about separation and divorce but hold back because of two reasons.

First he looks after my mum very well in her old age and she adores him as a son. She will be devastated if I share the truth with her.

Second my husband has remorse and actively working on his recovery doing 12 steps , seeing drs etc and from last 1.5 years has no relapse (but ofcourse who knows)

he has repentance but I also know that relapse is always possible .

I am also working on my recovery with a strong belief that my recovery is not dependent on his recovery and we all have to carry our cross. So whether my husband choose to stay in recovery or not it shouldn’t impact me.

this is my first relationship and marriage so I am devastated and sometimes also feel that I cannot trust him ever the way I was trusting him before.

I also confess that if I take this whole episode out of the picture he has always supported me in every area of my life including my studies, career, household responsibilities, my health conditions.

so I feel unfair and unethical to leave him alone during his mental health challenges.

 

[arfie]

the 12 steps are a most excellent start to working on your own issues. i learned mine through alanon but have gone on to work them in several other applications. i highly recommend you keep stepping.

as for the love of my life. . . if one of us liked lawyers, we'd probably have divorced in the 80's or 90's. i now mark that as a tragedy avoided. as it is, we have grown quite devoted to the notion that family is bigger than a second parenting career. we count the years we lived separately as the most important of our 45 years together. those are the years we learned how to live and let live, to trust one another to work out their own issues without the added confusion of marital issues. our family has gained the benefit of continued family support from both of us. when our youngest son and his wife were killed in a traffic accident, hubs and i were able to pull together to keep their 3 children out of the foster care system. 5 years later, our second parenting career is looking far more stable and nurturing than our first was. experience counts.

 

[Roseinpain]

the 12 steps are a most excellent start to working on your own issues. i learned mine through alanon but have gone on to work them in several other applications. i highly recommend you keep stepping.

as for the love of my life. . . if one of us liked lawyers, we'd probably have divorced in the 80's or 90's. i now mark that as a tragedy avoided. as it is, we have grown quite devoted to the notion that family is bigger than a second parenting career. we count the years we lived separately as the most important of our 45 years together. those are the years we learned how to live and let live, to trust one another to work out their own issues without the added confusion of marital issues. our family has gained the benefit of continued family support from both of us. when our youngest son and his wife were killed in a traffic accident, hubs and i were able to pull together to keep their 3 children out of the foster care system. 5 years later, our second parenting career is looking far more stable and nurturing than our first was. experience counts.

I commend your bravery and thank you so much for sharing the brighter and positive side. I can see the hardwork you both have put into the recovery.

If it is comfortable for you, is it least possible to talk on the phone with you?