Husband is clinging and staring me down

[Neverthesame]

Depends on the specific situation. That's my honest answer.

Though as I just said, I agree that communication for the purpose of de-escalating a conflict, is preferable to any sort of escalation of conflict.

I was merely commenting that any time I have encountered the type of behaviour from people, similar to what the OP described. It was passive aggressive.
I didn't say that this must be what's happening here. I don't know, I'm not there.

I'm also not saying that the only thing they should consider is doing is what I said, nope. Hence my agreement with you about de-escalation as a valid strategy.
Because it is.

I can only write from my experience with what I perceive from a blurb of text. Is it correct? Who knows.
If nothing else, I hope it gave the op a bit of a laugh.

I just hope they are able to find a solution to their problem, using any of the input provided by everyone. Or helped them come up with something on their own not suggested by anyone, or anything in between.
That's all I want, really.

 

[anonymous]

Thank you all for your responses. I'm the one with the CPTSD, I'm not sure that he's been officially diagnosed with it.

He's been abusive throughout our marriage, but to different degrees. It feels passive aggressive, because he's angry when I don't do what he wants and when I'm not who he wants me to be. Lately I've taken a step back from him in order to get some perspective and I am seeing and hearing how disrespectful he treats me and how suffocated and powerless I feel around him. I feel like unless I yell at him, he doesn't listen and then I'm entering into his power trip issues. I'm tired of having to fight to be treated as an equal. I don't feel like me around him.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Then I think you have identified some of the issues within your relationship.

1) He's abusive
2) He's aggressive
3) He's controlling
4).He's disrespectful

Do you honestly feel that your marriage is worth fighting for?
How would you (with help of course) change the dynamics of it and make it less abusive and more on equal ground???
Do you think that your husband is or could be willing to change in order to save the marriage????

Some serious questions I think that you should really think about and consider.

 

[The Albatross]

I'm not really interested in how it feels - i'm interested in how it IS.

 

[Muted]

you honestly feel that your marriage is worth fighting for?

Anything someone sees to place value in is valuable and worth fighting for. I've been fighting for it for almost two decades and I want my children to someday realize that they don't have to sacrifice who they are in order to fit into who someone else wants them to be. They have the right to be who they are, because to me they're the ones worth fighting for, because they are truly priceless.

I can and will continue to battle as long as I need to, but is it really reasonable for a home to be like a daily war zone in order to be treated equally and respectfully? I will fight as long as I need to, but what's best for the kids in the long term? We have the right to be emotionally and physically safe. We shouldn't have to be on guard constantly in our own home. One person can only do so much to change things.

I do believe people can change, but I care about what's in his heart. True change has to be heartchange.

 

[Muted]

I appreciate all your feedback and questions, but I've put up with plenty for one lifetime and I'm confident that I can now make the choices that I need to make.

 

[bento]

He's been abusive throughout our marriage, but to different degrees. It feels passive aggressive, because he's angry when I don't do what he wants and when I'm not who he wants me to be. Lately I've taken a step back from him in order to get some perspective and I am seeing and hearing how disrespectful he treats me and how suffocated and powerless I feel around him. I feel like unless I yell at him, he doesn't listen and then I'm entering into his power trip issues. I'm tired of having to fight to be treated as an equal. I don't feel like me around him.

There's your answer. My former husband did this and it was not well meant. It was more of
a predator/prey thing form of domination. Remember abuse only escalates with time, thus
making it harder and harder to leave, as typically we become more and more isolated and
ground down with exhaustion and hopelessness. There is also the physical damage done
as a result of constant stress. Your situation is not healthy for anyone, let alone someone
who is trying to cope with PTSD

I think you have all the information you need now to start making practical changes to keep
yourself safe. Ie, start reaching out for support and ideas about how to move forward in a DV
situation (this is what you're describing here) and go through the basic steps you need to
protect yourself in case you need to leave sooner than later. Consider looking into the
"grey rock method" a non confrontational technique to keep your sanity in dealing with
passive aggressive types.

Best of luck moving forward. Consider getting as much support as you can to help you see
your situation in the clearest light possible. You need to address your stated issues asap.
DV support groups (yes all forms of coercive control qualify), 12 step groups such as
Adult Children of Alcoholics or Alanon can be a great way to meet people who will relate
to whatever it is you need to share. Passive aggressive controlling types overlap a great
deal with alcoholic out of control behavior. One caveat if you decide to go, be careful how
much you share in any kind of group, whether it be 12 step, DV or other support group.
There is an expectation of anonymity but not everyone in these groups will be honest or uphold this,
meaning dishonest manipulative type people can pop up anywhere unfortunately.

I'm assuming you have a therapist? If you don't yet I would consider getting one your first
order of business. Hopefully someone with DV experience, who is empathetic that
you can connect with. Women's centers or shelters can be a great place to start.
The options I mentioned are either low to no cost. If you decide to go that route I would
suggest keeping it to yourself, i.e. not tell your husband the precise nature of the group.
Passive aggressive controlling types can often escalate their controlling dominating behavior
if they sense they are losing control of their target. It's best to let him think things are
status quo while you get your support in place.
Again best of luck moving forward! Wishing you all the best!

 

[anonymous]

Well said @bento ! Thank you for your reply. Yes, I have a therapist. Fortunately, he is also seeing one and getting better. I’ve discovered I’m not straight, but am stuck in this relationship attempting to pretend.

 

[bento]

Well said @bento ! Thank you for your reply. Yes, I have a therapist. Fortunately,...

Wow, that's tough. And a massive deal breaker for both of you I would think. Best of luck moving
forward and finding a way to honor your true self.

 

[anonymous]

Yah, I hope so...there is a lot at stake. It kind of feels like a lost cause.

 

[bento]

Yah, I hope so...there is a lot at stake. It kind of feels like a lost cause.

Hang in there! Although it can seem scary, you can never go wrong when you're true to
yourself. It can get lonely and tough but it's always worth it in the end.

 

[anonymous]

Thanks @bento I do feel alone. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this and that makes it hard.