Supporter Husband Of Ptsd Wife

[zman]

Great summary Meadowsweet. I wish I could have been as eloquent.

My wife is working hard. I am proud of her and I have told her that many times.

As I have processed this today I have come to realize that I am pushing her away in the hopes that she will push back and come closer to me. To some degree, this works, but it is never a long-term solution.

 

[nursenurse]

Meadowsweet, I am not sure where the hatred thing comes in this thread. At any rate, through even the somewhat negative posts, I think some valuable advice has come through, for anyone who reads this through.

Zman, I think you and your wife are truly blessed to have each other, in this day and age of throw way marriages. I know it is a major hurdle for you to overcome, but I think it is entirely possible and probable that with patience, you will be on the right path,

Now, go out for a round ;)

 

[Meadowsweet]

Meadowsweet, I am not sure where the hatred thing comes in this thread.

There are many words that might express the 'somewhat negative posts'. I chose the word hatred, because that is what comes across when people project such anger onto others. None of us are perfect, but it needed to be noted without minimising it.

 

[seedling]

@zman, what stood out for me in your posts was what seems like a tendency to minimize your own pain. The pain is real and keeps asserting itself for attention. When it does it's something like: you feel like your wife is the one who is "really" suffering and who are you to complain.

Now I feel like a heel because I miss the closeness of my wife

You might feel like a heel but you are not. It's OK to miss that closeness just as much as you truly do.

It feels shallow to have my own needs given what she is going through,

It's not shallow to suffer when your needs are not met. Your pain is part of the whole ball of wax here. Your wife has pain and so do you, no need to minimize what it is for either of you.

Some counseling for yourself might be helpful if you need some support for what you are going through. Someone you can lay it all out for who is there for you.

The golf game sounds great - :cool:

(I'm a sufferer and I know my husband has suffered the past few years not knowing if I still loved him.)

 

[zman]

Thank you, seedling, good things to hear. You are right, I do feel guilty for feeling pain so I try to minimize it.

My wife pointed out to me yesterday that this is a mental illness and that she may never be who she was. That hit me hard. And I realize I may never be the same either, something I don't think she has considered. She is caring and concerned because I am suffering now and she doesn't know how to deal with that. Frankly, neither do I. I feel like I need to find the right level of distance to protect myself but not hurt her, which may not be possible. Blech. I miss my happy wife.

 

[seedling]

All the best to you zman,

I think your wife can be happy again, she has shown that she is willing to do the work to get better. I've been able to be happier again and that part of my life is slowly growing. My husband and I are enjoying things together again even though we are changed.

"Never being the same" doesn't have to be all bad. It is an unknown, and that's scary. I've found there's some wonderful discoveries there too.

Try to find some healthy coping strategies for yourself and let your wife in on them if that seems appropriate. She won't have to guess where you're at. She sounds like she'd be glad that you're taking care of yourself while she deals with her treatment. That's why I suggested talking to a therapist, they could help you find ways to cope and communicate effectively.

It's definitely a high level challenge when both people in a relationship are having difficulties at the same time.

 

[nursenurse]

It comes down to the old piece of paper split down the middle, reasons to stay, reasons not to. From what you have said, you have a wife who is loving and working on herself. You are loving, you list a whole bunch of good things about her, all decent recents to stay with someone. You have nothing to lose by waiting to see the end results.

While we all change throughout a relationship, fundamental characteristics tend to stay the same. Her good characteristics are still there, as are yours. Be patient, you both are processing things. Embrace the changes, but remember the good in both of you is there and has not changed.

 

[intothelight]

Hi zman,

Welcome! Do take some time to get some counseling for yourself as this will help you to sort through the issues and give you tools to improve the quality of your own life. At some point, couples counseling would be a really good idea to give both of you ideas about how to restore intimacy.

It is human nature to pull back as a means to protect ourselves when things become painful, but this can be so detrimental to a relationship. One thing that my husband and I have found helpful is to learn how to become a couple again. Life gets so busy with work, kids, financial obligations, household responsibilities, etc. that people find little time to interact as a couple. Add illness on top of it, and things get really off track.

Take the time to make each other a priority, by doing small things on a daily basis, making time to talk about yourselves (not from a therapeutic standpoint), engage in acts of affection that are comfortable for both parties, go on "dates", etc. Make time to shift the focus from things and problems to just being a couple. It doesn't have to be anything major, but consistency does matter. It really will help over time and it makes the relationship issues a lot easier to handle when a solid foundation is in place.

Debbie